4 Chapter 4

Days flew by so fast and it's almost winter break. And that time was also the last time we spoke seriously to each other. After that, we didn't exchanged words aside from greetings.

I don't know what's into me but everytime I saw her, I ended up avoiding her. Sigh ... What's gotten into me? Why am I being weird? It's really frustrating and that feeling was really uncomfortable.

It's time for P.E Class and everyone gathered in the gymnasium. I sat down on the edge of the stage and did nothing but watch my classmates play. I really don't like sweating too much in winter so I didn't join.

As soon as I saw her enter the gymnasium, the uncomfortable feeling on my chest started. The moment our eyes locked, I always ended up glancing away. Why am I being like this?

In dramas I saw, being like this was what they call love. I really don't know how love always starts but admiring someone is a choice. I admire her as she has something that I don't have. Is admiring and love the same? Do I love her? I love her? Huh?

The moment I came back from reality, I ended up shaking my head in denial. What in the world am I thinking?

P.E started and the teacher made us play partner dodgeball. Guys were being partnered with girls and the guys must protect the girls from getting hit. I had my hopes up. I don't know why. I just want to be partnered with her and fixed this awkward barrier I made. I want to converse with her normally just like before. I really had my hopes up.

But in the end, I ended up being the referee of the game. What a letdown. Expectation totally hits the bottom. As I watched the game while sitting on a high stool, her presence really stood out from the rest. Those silky brown hair that dances everytime she dodges the ball. I can't helped but admire her from my seat. I forgot for a moment that I was the referee. Everytime the ball was thrown from the her, I totally became nervous.

I don't want her to get hurt so I cheated. I made out calls whenever the ball was thrown from the opposing side. Even though it didn't hit the girl, I ended up calling out. They contradicted but with Math on my side, no one dared to oppose.

In the end, she win. After the game, I went back to the edge of the stage where I sat earlier and looked around. I saw her talking with her female friends.

"So she got female friends, huh?" I mumbled.

Right after they finished talking, she faced towards my direction and started walking.

What in the world does she need? What shall we talk about? Ah, I'm nervous.

Each step she made felt like the ground tremors. It's nerveracking. She stopped in front of me and asked, "Why did you do it?"

I was flustered. Did she noticed my unfair calling? What should I do? I stuttered as I said, "What do you mean?"

She exhaled heavily in her nose and the expression on her face was odd. She looked disappointed.

Is my unfair calling really that uncomfortable? I mean I just don't want her fragile body to get hit. Is it really that bad? I just want to protect you ...

Protect her ...

Do I really love her? Protecting an opposite gender can be called love? Am I making sense?

She turned around and as she walked away, "I'm disappointed in you," she muttered.

As soon as I heard those words, my body moved on it's own and grabbed her by the hand to prevent her from walking away.

"Why? Why are you disappointed in me?" I boldly asked.

She never turned around and just glanced back at me as she brushed off her hands from my grabbing. "I never thought you're the type of person to do something like that. I'm just saying. We're not even friends to begin with. We're just deskmates, that's all," every word she said was like a slapped to me.

And just like that, she left. I never grabbed her by the hand as I was scared. What I did was really that disappointing? I don't understand you ... I just did it to protect you yet why don't you know?

The two of us was left behind in the gymnasium as our desk was the responsible for cleaning that time. It was awkward. We are too close yet it felt like we're on a vast desert. You can hear the slightest noise you can hear. That's how silent that time was.

As she entered the storeroom, I followed her. I want to make an apology. If that was really disappointing in your part then, I'll give way. I don't want to be just your deskmate.

As soon as I entered the storeroom, I instantly got the answers to all my questions. That girl ...

I think I love her ...

The sunlight that passed through that tiny window looked like a spotlight that was specially made for her. It was beautiful ... With that special sunlight, she stood up brightly in that dusty storeroom.

The moment I saw her, I became speechless. I was planning to apologize yet I can't speak a word. My chest throbbed so fast and loudly. It felt like bursting at any moment. If this is not love, then what can this feeling be?

An admiration? ... Nope ...

A sense of attraction? ... Maybe ...

"Do you like me?" she bravely said as she was facing her back towards me.

Hearing that from her mouth, I ... I can't even deny. I just don't like you, I am in love with you.

"Mmm ..." even though she can't see me, I nodded my head in agreement.

"Why do you like me?" she followed up.

Her question was hard. Why do I like you? I really don't understand ...

"I don't know but I want to protect you, I want to look after you, every move you make made me really nervous. I kept on thinking about you. What if you get hurt, what if someone bullied you, what if you don't want to talk to me anymore. For the past weeks, I kept on thinking. I thought it's just admiration but the moment you got angry earlier, I hate it. It's unpleasant. After you step inside this storeroom, all of the answers flooded inside my head. If this is not love, then what is this?" I voiced out every emotions I can let out.

The room was silent. She didn't respond and I didn't made a single noise. It was totally quiet.

"You're just lonely," she mumbled.

"What?" I felt dumfounded by her response.

"You're lonely to the point that you're frustrated of not having a single friend. Am I not right?" she added.

The room became silent once again.

I am speechless. I bravely told you what I'm feeling yet you gave me such irrational reason? I'm lonely? In my entire life, I never felt lonely. In fact, I'm used of being alone.

At first, I planned of having a real friend to rely on making her an excellent candidate. She just transferred so having friends that time was impossible. My goal was to be her friend but I didn't expected that I'll end up loving her.

But what she said was really upsetting. I felt like crying yet a single tear won't flow down. It's my first time experiencing this love all people were curious about. I will not let this go ...

I'll wait for you ...

For now, I can't love you yet ...

"Then let's be friends, for now," I said straightforwardly.

She still didn't looked back. She just glanced back, "Does it change everything? The fact that you liked me, was still a fact" she insisted.

"Then I'll promise, from now on I won't love you," I responded.

She looked back and with a confused expression she doubted, "Really?"

No, I love you ... It won't change. I'll just wait for you to open up and I'll let you know everything about me. I'll change your mind. I'll take it slowly and everything will end up alright. In the end, you'll end up loving me also. Yeah, I'll make it happen.

"Yeah ... I swear," I lied.

"Okay then. Let's be friends from now on," she offered her hands.

I accepted her hand and smiled back.

I looked like a fool. It's embarassing but it's the only way for me. I'll hold back and wait patiently. I can't let my emotions show anymore.

"Then as friends, you'll support me for whoever I like, okay?!" she warmly smiled at me together with her eyes.

You're unfair. How can you make that face in front of someone who just confessed. You're too unfair yet why can't I hate you? ... What in the world did you do to me ... Why do I love you too much ... It hurts you know ...