I'm the Actual Villainess, but it's Not Just Me

I had just turned 8 and you were 10 when we were introduced to each other. Our families both had something to gain through this marriage. For us, it was wealth and power, for yours, it was connections and land. My family, the Althains, had many ties to merchants and nobles from distant lands and although we were well known else where, we didn't have much power in country we lived in, Elthria. The Belial Dukual household wanted trade and lands beyond Ethria. Both families had more to gain than lose and they were both on great terms with each other.

Our parents were having tea as they chatted in the duchess's garden and you were asked to show me around the garden. I remember the look on your face, annoyed and uninterested. I, however, had came to like you as my first friend. You probably thought I was a spoiled brat, and you were right. As if showing you proof, I had acted high and mighty by ordering my maids to carry an umbrella over me at my height or if I tired, they would carry me instead. I had even ordered you to escort me as a gentleman would and so on, but what did you expect from an 8 years old girl who had everything and was given everything from birth?

It wasn't until a few years later when I found that my behavior was rude and ungrateful. I had changed, but your impression of me since then was already so warped. I had remained a spoiled young lady in your eyes forever.

On your 13th birthday I had met your five closets friends. The prince, the son and daughter of a knight, the son of a magician, and a baron's daughter. I remember the smile on your face as they surrounded and congratulated you. That was the day my heart had fluttered and I had fallen in love with you. From then on I tried my best to get to know you and your friends. I had wanted to be a part of your circle, but you had tried your very best to keep me away. After all my attempts, I finally gave up and had made my own group of friends with other noble ladies that my family wanted me to get along with.

My group spoke of tea and latest trends, where yours spoke of adventures and magic. I envied you. You always looked like you were having fun with your friends, whereas mine felt like business.

When I turned 15, I had finally joined you at the Academy. They're were many majors I could have chosen and although I wanted to learn magic, my family had wanted me in literature or business. Even though I fought against them, I couldn't win. They had threatened to have me home schooled instead. My life and friends were planned for me, but you had the freedom to choose yours.

Even at the Academy, you kept me away. The look on your face was always annoyance and so I kept my distance. Occasionally, I would run into one of your friends and enjoyed some small talk with them, such as how was your day or where you're headed to? One day the baron girl, Bellia, had invited me to eat lunch with her. She was sweet and kind. I loved listening to her stories as she talked about all of you guys. I had gotten to know you all through her. The prince, Val, always has a bright smile and attitude on his face, but he's actually a bully and loves to laze around. The two knights, Reina and Zack, love to mess around and pull jokes on everyone. The magician, Reil, looks stoic and cold, but is actually a very shy person who doesn't express himself very well.

Every so often I would meet with Bellia to chat, but then one day I noticed the way how she spoke of you. Her face would flush pink and and she would play with her fingers. It was then, I knew what jealousy felt like and my jealousy was not in anyway pretty, but I had held back and pretended not to notice. She was my first friend that my I had made on my own and I didn't want to lose her.

For a year she was my best friend until one day, I saw it. I watched above in my classroom as Bellia had climbed a tree to help put a baby bird back into its nest. She had almost fallen off the tree and I had panicked not knowing what to do, but you had swiftly caught her in your arms with such speed. I sighed a breath of relief until I saw the expression of your face turn from worry to love. You then kissed her under that tree as your friends came running after. They smacked you jokingly as they spoke something along the lines of "lovebirds."

Something in me had snapped. I was played a fool by my best friend and my fiance, but I did not go crazy in the classroom. I still had to keep up my image of a perfect young noble lady. I held everything in until I reached my chambers and closed the door ever so lightly. Everything and anything I could grasp was thrown or shattered. I took my anger and sadness out on my surroundings until I had calmed down.

Once I was calmed, I had written a letter home, to see if I could return early and be home schooled instead. I wanted to seclude myself for a while. I wanted to break off my engagement. I wanted to disappear. My heart had somehow shattered and no one knew.

I was given leave from the academy, but only for a week to recuperate since my family was busy raising their heir, my younger brother, Kyle. While I was home, I had begged my parents to break off my engagement with you. They refused and demanded an explanation, but I didn't give them one. If I had, I knew you would come to hate me instead of indifference. I knew you felt nothing towards me. I never revived your full attention and you never glanced my way once out of worry or love. It was always always always annoyance and boredom, but even then I still had hope that you had some feelings for me.

When I returned to the academy, I had asked for some of your time and as usual you looked annoyed. As we sat down in front of each other in a private room I had asked you,

"What are your feelings towards me?"

And you immediately responded with,

"You're boring. You act high and mighty like every noble lady. You're spoiled and greedy. Honestly, I'm..."

They were insults after insults. Insults related to the younger me when I was 8. Here I was aware of all all your favorite food and subjects. I knew your hobbies, your habits, your friends. I knew how you've grown and changes you've made as a young man, but you still saw me as an 8 year old spoiled girl.

As you walked out of the room, I sat there alone and contemplated my life. I was raised to be a duchess, my life planned out for me as your wife, my goals ripped away from me, friends I wanted denied from me, food I ate to look slim, dresses I painfully wore, parents who now care for my younger brother as heir no longer paid attention to me, and the list went on.

I wanted to runaway, but if I did people would claim I was only seeking attention. I could never truly run away, not by myself, but who would ever help me hide from the world? I didn't want to die, not at that moment at least. I was still young. I felt so trapped in this hole that I either dug myself or someone else dug for me.

Something in me snapped and snapped again. It was as if the strings in my head all broke at once. Everything I had bottled up and no one to help me vent out these insufferable feelings.

It was then, I had taken my anger out on Bellia. I harassed her, bullied her, and made her life a living hell. She who had betrayed me first and kept secret about her relationship with you even though she knew how I felt towards you. I then did everything to call of our engagement, but nothing worked. It had to be you who would call it off because you were a man and I was a woman, so you had more influence than I did. I knew I'd be seen as the bad guy, the villain. I would be the one in the wrong even though my whole life was built around you who didn't care a thing about me and had now come to hate me.

I hated you and I hated her. I hated everyone and everything. I wanted it all to end, but just like a chain you didn't break off the engagement because your family needed those lands and those connections. If you lose me then you lose everything else that I came with and so I was stuck to you, but you, your friends, and beloved played the victims and painted me as the villain.

You, who had the power to cut me off despite hating me, chose to stay engaged to me; so during the rest of the academy years and years after, you forced yourself to get to know me and cut off any connections you had with Bellia.

After my graduation we were to wed. In my eyes, the wedding was as dull as I could remember. There were no cheers of happiness and I could barely remember what my vows were, but you had vowed to stay ever faithful towards me and that had somehow lifted my spirits a little, but quickly faded right after when you glanced towards Bellia with a sullen face.

That night we were given our own mansion to live in as the future duke and duchess, but I had avoided our room like the plague. I did not want to spend our first night together and had stayed in the greenhouse all night and fell asleep under a tree after dawn.

After a year of avoiding each other, our parents had finally started to harasse us about children and I had told them that I did not want to sleep with a man who thought of another woman in bed. They gasped at the foul words I spat, but it shut them up quite fast.

It was after that incident that you had tried even harder to get on my good side. It took months of you pursuing me and like a fool I slowly gave in to the sweet words you whispered, but even then I still didn't sleep with you. It wasn't until 2 years later when I thought everything was finally going to be fine. You were finally looking my way and caring about even the small stuff like what I did and what I ate.

3 years after our wedding and we finally had our first night. It was painful yet somewhat exhilarating. I was happy. 2 months later it was confirmed that I was with child. I had wanted to share the news with you immediately. You were reporting to the castle 2 days out of the week, so I had come to visit. As I searched, I found you in the library against the baywindow with Bellia as she laid in your lap and you kissed her forehead ever so lightly to not wake her.

I'll never forget the look on your face when you saw me. I thought I had found happiness, but everything was a lie. I approached you and you immediately woke Bellia up. Her face was filled with shock and shame.

"I'll allow it. These meetings and this relationship, but only if you bring her in as a mistress and name my child the heir whether it's a girl or boy." I told you as I strode off.

I can't live with the lies told to me behind me back. You were meeting her 2 days out of the week. For how long I wondered. Probably since the start.

Tears once again fell down my face, but only when I was in my carriage. That night you came to meet me to apologize. I didn't care nor want your apology. You were in love with another woman and I was your wife in name only.

"Your fake affections and lies can stop now. I am with child just like you wanted, but this child will be your one and ONLY child. You WILL cut off her abilities to birth any illegitimate children if you both want to stay together and if I find out that there are any other children, I will not hesitate to cut her off from this earth and she will suffer because of you and your choices." I boldly stated.

The next day I ordered the servants to make the guest house Bellia's residence and if you ever wanted to see her, then that is where you would meet her. She was not allowed inside the main building ever, so long as I lived.

Everyday you went to see her and spent your precious time with her. You were not there when I gave birth to our son whom I named, Soliel. You were not there for his first steps or his first word, not even his first birthday.

A year later your father had passed and you officially became the Duke. I did not attend the funeral, which brought upon you shame. You stormed into my room demanding why I didn't show up and I said,

"Isn't your beloved Bellia enough?"

Your face turned red and purple and it delighted me. Shortly after there was a celebration for you after attaining the Dukual household and I also did not show up which brought upon you even more shame.

Both my parents had also passed a couple years after and my brother became the Marques. You did not show up to the funeral or celebration, and so we played a game of vengeance every so often since then.

When my son turned 5, you suggested an arranged marriage just like ours, for wealth, power, or connections. It didn't matter what, but I refused.

"I will not let my son live a wretched life like mine nor will I ever let him be a lying pig of a scoundrel like you! He is MY son, not OURS or YOURS!"

That shut you up quickly. My son will live a free loving life with no one forcefully attached to him. He won't live a life made for another or hating another, but one he chooses.

When my son turned 8, he began to question why his father was always in the guest house and I had explained that his father lived a separate life from ours. His father does not care for us. He only cares for his beloved mistress. His mistress who was now very ill. I didn't know what kind of illness she came down with, but she passed a couple years later.

You grieved for months and then your sadness turned to anger and you began to vent that anger onto me. You blamed me for her death saying I probably poisoned her food even though I clearly had nothing to do with her. You said she was always so cold in the guest house, so you wanted to bring her in the main house, but because of me she couldn't. You said she wanted children, but because of me she could never birth any. Bellia apparently lived a very lonely life, but didn't she have you for all those years? Were you not enough for her?

"If YOU didn't exists! We could have had a better life!" You yelled.

Fed up with all your blaming for months, I had finally retorted.

"If you had broken our engagement from the start when I had begged for it then yes you could have had a happy life, but don't you EVER forget that it was YOU who chose not to! I didn't want to live such a wretched life with you like this! I didn't ask for this! YOU including those damnable parents of ours forced this life upon me! It was YOU who chose to bring her in as your mistress! YOU who made her live in that guest house! YOU who chose a life with her life that! YOU who chose wealth over love."

You who had a family right here, but refused to acknowledge it. You who spent all your time with her and dared not to give your blood son a second of your time. You who didn't care that I too had come down with some chronic illness and didn't know how much longer I had.

Everyday was getting harder to get up from bed. Everyday I was vomiting. Everyday I took several naps. Everyday I'd faint from pain in my abdomen. I had seeked doctors for treatment and paid huge sum of money for a cure, but no one knew what it was or how to cure me.

My son was only 10. I couldn't leave him in your hands. Hands that had never once held him or loved him. My son who also shared my blood, someone you hate so much. You haven't once honestly tried to get to know me or your son. How could I ever leave him with you?

On Soliel's 15th birthday all he wanted was a dinner with both his parents before he moved into the dorms for the Academy. He was such a bright and hopeful child despite having parents that didn't get along. On that night, I had dressed up in one of my beautiful dresses that I haven't worn in a long time. You had finally left that guesthouse and given my son a moment of your time. For once I was grateful that you had actually showed up.

It was a quiet and awkward dinner at first. Wanting to break the silence, my son had asked you how your day was and you responded with,

"The same as every day. Work, come home, work, drink, and sleep. Don't ask such stupid questions." You told him and he froze in shock from your cold attitude and insult.

"Did you have to say that last sentence? Soliel was only trying to make some small talk." I responded.

"What's the point in having such ridiculous conversations with..."

"With what? With us? If that's how you really feel, then why exactly are you here? Don't tell me it was for Soliel's birthday. You haven't attended the last 14 birthdays with him, so why exactly did you decide to show up now?"

"..." You didn't respond. Instead you looked away out towards the window where the guesthouse could be seen. Your eyes showed a sense of longing and grief like you longed for some company.

"If you want company, I'm sure your other friends can spare you some time. If you want another lover, I also don't mind."

You slammed the table in anger as you shouted,

"Hold your tongue before I-!"

"Before you what?! Cut it off? Why don't you crawl back into that lonely hole of yours and stay there for eternity! We are not your family nor are even close to being friends. We are just neighbors or rather more like strangers."

"Must you always be so complicated?! Life with you is so miserable!"

"Don't forget that it was you who chose this miserable life! I finally found solace with just Soliel and I. I don't need such an untrustworthy and unfaithful man to suddenly pop up and want to act as a husband or father after all these years!"

Having enough, Soliel silently got up to leave, leaving just us two in the dining hall. I had felt guilty for ruining his birthday dinner with his father, but I couldn't sit back and watch you talk down on him.

"Leave and go back to your precious guesthouse. I'm sure the soul of Bellia is waiting for you." I said and so you got up and left with a scowl on your face.

For a couple minutes I had sat there stressed and worried. How was I going to make up with Soliel? He was probably very upset. A moment later a series of violent coughs came one after another. Blood had ran down my mouth onto my dress and the world around me warped. Just then you came back in the dining hall to say something, but instead was shocked to see me covered in blood. My consciousness slowly faded as my world darkened and I felt a warm thud when I fainted.

When I awoke, I was in my chambers on my bed. Someone had cleaned me and put me in a night gown. I was apparently out for 3 days. My son, who missed his first days of the academy had stayed home for me.

Even though he was worried and didn't want to leave, I had to see him off and gave him a little assurance that I would go see a physician and write to him soon.

A couple weeks had passed when your friend, the magician, Reil suddenly came to visit me.

"If you're looking for my husband, he's in the guesthouse." I told him.

"I'm actually here to see you madam. I was informed that you were sick and needed aid."

"You can return then. As you can see I'm doing just fine. I don't need the care of a magician."

"Although I am a magician, I also specialize in health and medicine."

"I'm sure you're busy enough, magician. You've wasted a trip coming here. Although if you had truly come to help me, you would have came when I was bedridden not two weeks later. Leave!" I glared.

I remember the very first day when Bellia had fallen ill. That magician had immediately transported himself to treat her himself. The house shook like thunder that day as I saw him fly straight to the guesthouse.

Later that day he had stormed into my mansion, demanding for a better space for Bellia in the main building. I had declined and told him that if he wanted a better location, then he could just take her anywhere he saw deemed fit except for my home.

I did not want her in my home, because if she did live here, then everyone around me would sympathize with her; and if she had everyone on her side, then I would be left alone in my own home. Why should my world revolve around her even more when it already had because of you.

That magician stormed off in anger just like the last time he visited. A real doctor would have came immediately after hearing that I coughed blood and fainted not wait for two weeks then visited.

Later that day you came storming in and demanded the reason why I had turn away your magician friend. When I had explained that your friend was a little late to treat me, you shouted an excuse,

"He was busy with work! He's the Head of the Tower where he oversees all the other magicians. He has patients all over the world! It's a miracle he even squeezed you in his schedule!"

"Yes. A miracle indeed, but when Bellia had fallen ill, he turned his back on all those other patients to heal her for several days. She was your mistress, but I am your wife and the Duchess of Belial."

"Bellia was his friend! Of course he would immediately come to her aid first!"

"I'd rather be examined by a commoner physician, than a magician who weigh lives to those closets to him. Tell me, how long does it take him to meet a patient when appointed or called upon?"

"... At most two days."

"Two days and yet it took him two weeks to see me. Not only that, but he had to squeeze my insignificant life into his tight schedule. How many other lives does he squeeze into his schedule or is it just mine, the woman he also hates because of you and Bellia? Do you honestly believe your friend to sincerely treat my illness, because you asked him to? I, for one, highly doubt it. When Bellia was sick, how many people did he abandon for her? I remember him being here almost everyday up until she died. I don't need a magician who abandons the life of others for the comfort of one person even if that person was close to him."

Sometimes I wonder why the majority of my life was surrounded by such deceiving cruelty. Over and over again, I try to recreate different ways I could have changed my life, but then remembered the many chains that held me down and the fact that I couldn't return to the past to change anything. I was even chained to this miserable marriage when only in death would you ever let me go. You're selfish in so many ways and all I can do is collect the tiniest amount of happiness allowed to me, my son.

Now that my son had left, the house felt empty and quiet. I missed the moments I had watched him grow from an infant. It was the happiest years of my life and it went by so fast. I didn't know if I could see him when he return. I didn't know how long I had left.

Day after day, I was coughing blood and vomiting. After a month, I could no longer get up from the bed. I hadn't written to my son yet. I had promised him. I called for a maid for some paper and a pen as I slowly began to write.

Dear Soliel,

I may not have not have a lot of time before I finally depart from this wretched world in fact I might have passed once you receive this letter, but I want you know that you were the only one that gave me true happiness. I remember the very first day you started to walk. You refused to hold my hands as if you wanted to walk on your own, so you held onto my dress instead. I remember your first word, "cake" even though I wanted it to be "mama". I don't remember ever feeding you cake since you were so young, but you had learned it anyway.

Your first birthday was a grand celebration and I had given you your first cake as you stuffed your face right into it. It was the first time I had laughed and smiled so much in a day. Every year was like that until your 8th birthday and you wondered why your father never celebrated with you. I remember you asking for him quite a bit and I didn't know what to do. A couple years later I finally explained it as much as I could. You were a smart child so you understood, but that didn't mean you didn't want to get to know him still. Instead you grew ever more curious. One day you sneaked into the guesthouse house to confirm everything with your eyes. Your father was furious and had slapped you. That was the first time you saw us fought like dogs. It was then you finally understood the relationship between your father and I.

I'm sorry about your 15th birthday. I had planned to try and be civil, but when your father had started to attack you in the slightest, I couldn't hold back.

I only hope that you live your life differently. Never chain a person to you because of greed or they may become like me. Instead I want you to find love, but don't love someone so much that you or others will suffer because of it. I know you'll probably go through many hardships, but I can only hope you pull through and make wise decisions for yourself. I only wish I could be here longer to shield you from whatever could harm you. Forgive this mother of yours for leaving without telling you. I couldn't bare to see you weep for me in my last moments.

Your Loving Mother.

I folded the paper and put in an envelope. I grabbed my personal journal as I set both the letter and journal in a box. I also put in some very important documents, a ring, and a stamp. Then I sealed the box with a blood spell. Only those of my blood could open this box, my son and my brother. Afterwards I had sent for someone to send the box to my son, but only after I had passed.

A couple days later my illness turned for the worse. Everyone was chaotic as I laid in bed very still waiting for my last breath. A thunder boomed across the skies as someone rushes towards me with a bright glow. A warm light enveloped my body, but it was already a few seconds too late. How funny it was to see your frightened face in my last seconds. Your blue eyes widened in shock and fear. Your disheveled black hair messy with sweat. Your once toned body was now leaner than I had remembered. The man I loathed and loved with all my being trying to save me with his magician friend.

"Amiya!" You called out with that low almost raspy voice.

Amiya. That was my name, it meant, "to love," and I did love, but just like your name, Alastor, you were my tormenter. I was never worth your time in all these years we suffered through together. Now I hope your own name haunts you forever.

My platinum blonde hair started to turn white and my green eyes faded to a grey. My once flawless skin now sunken and lost its shimmer as that light glow try to bring me back to life. I can finally rest now. I can finally escape this somewhat dreadful life and so with a smile and tear I departed from this word.