1 Where to begin

I never know how to start these things.

Hmm.. fist off I can't stop thinking about him. I hate this. I hate when I randomly think of you I want you to be in my life even though we aren't together but you were who I fell in love with first.

You know everything about me, we thought it would be forever. Everything matched about us from our bloodlust to our lust. My wolf whimpers, 'why can't we be together..' she says to me. 'You know why.. he had his chance to follow us.. but he didn't and hand the audacity to be toxic. It not good for you my sweet.' I close my eyes and sigh. 'I miss him as well you know.' I gently tell her.

Thinking back to when I was 11 years old. My cousin who was supposed to me watching over me while my caretaker was away. They took advantage of the fact I was helpless and small. They crept into my room while I slept, while I had no defense for myself. That's when they took me. On my own fucking bed. The bed I slept in everynight. Where I was supposed to feel safe. It didn't stop after that night. It kept going on like this for years

Endless nights crying in my bed screaming silent screams that nobody could hear.

Why didn't I tell anyone you would think.. It could crush they're mother's heart by telling, I couldn't handle seeing the looking her face. At least that what I told myself, but I know that deep down I didn't know if she'd believe me. I always thought that she'd call me a liar and never wanna see me again. Or that she'd tell me not to tell anyone, that it stays in the family. 'We don't tell other people our what happens in that family.'

So I stayed quiet about it and suffered.. not without consequences though. As a result I started cutting my wrists. Stabbing the wall over and over again in tears. Even tried to overdose a few times.. nothing worked and then I just went numb. I'd go days with out eating only to throw up stomach acid. Let me tell you that hurt a lot.

Through all that pain I kept up the same fake smile, the same fake laugh wondering if this is how I'll live the rest of my life. Anger would build I spilled more and more of my own blood. "Why! Why! WHAT WONT YOU JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY!" I'd scream to my self when no one was home.