I hate mornings

I hate mornings, I don't figure out the point when this feeling of resentment started, but I can't handle the sunlight anymore. I took a job as docteur for night shifts in an old hospital called "Albert Jhon's", it was a perfect timing for me, sleeping all day and coming back home when the people start rushing like worms to their daily jobs. My job was easy too, I was practicaly looking after dead people, it was in the reanimation department, but most of the patients was old and gone through heavy unnecessary surgeries, so their chances of recovery were pretty weak. I was like the angel of death mate, handing those dead soul to their last companion. It was an ancient hospital, the equipment were rudimentary but affordable in basic quantities. I think that hospital should look like that one, old, rotten and grey, so the patient need to leave it faster one way or the other. Being in a hospital is not a sojourn in resort spa, It's an awful experience one should get rid off as soon as possible, one way or the other.

For the last ten years I shifted medical departments as much as I could, I first started working in the mental section in another hospital, then I worked abroad with the very known and famous organization "Doctors without borders". It took me five years to attend this organization, the amount of certification and letters of recommendation I had to provide to be part of this was astronomical, but I did it anyway because I was young and stupid.

After the long run of pursuing the attainment in D.W.B, I finally got my letter of acceptance, I was confined for six month in Mali in Africa and I was over the moon of joy and excitement. I was telling everyone that I was part of D.W.B, my ego was all over the place and I felt above all the medical field as for I was not only a doctor but an humanitarian and an adventurous, ready to risk his life and give away his comfort for a bigger cause. Of course the cause wasn't without further purpose, I was especially feeding my ego, and I wanted this experience to appear on my resume so badly that I was ready to risk my life and other people lives to have it my way. I was young, I didn't have a big training in secourism and urgency medical care, but that didn't matter to me at the time, the only thing that matters was that I was a proud member of this huge humanitarian organization.

The six month passed away quickly, the conditions we were in, were awfull, especially the lack of water, I think I showered only four times when I was there and only that was a luxury by it self. This period of my life was neither glorifying nor spiritually or humanly uprising, we were there just to check up on patient for diesese, put them in quranteen if they have serious infections, and providing a huge amount of vactionation to as many people as we can. The only thing I rememnber so clearely about that time is the attitude of the people ou there. They had absolute confidance in us, they were under-nutriched, under-madicated, but they never complained, they stood up in lines tending their arms to receive that one needle that gonna save their lives and their children's.

The world is a cruel place I'm telling you, as much as I try to live, as much I withdraw from life, these simple inoffensive words I just edit seem so unwarily and without consequence, but the horror and the undeneeth that is beyond any human understanding and handling.

So after that time spent injecting needles in people arms and bodies, I got back to reality, to my previous life, as soon as I got home I was affected to the emergency center, the place where all the magic happends!!

Is magical because after a certain time passed in emergency rooms, you shift into a rat, yes axactely what you heard a rat. The transformation began very slowly, first you lose your colors and became as pale as those sheets covering up the dead bodies, then a hallow of blue darkening spots sart to appear under your eyes, those same eyes become so dry so you gonna need to hydrate them every few hours. Then you began to loose your hair, slowly but certainly, and you end up cut it all off because you're tired of having hair in your food and bed, and everywhere else. but the most astonishing transformation of all is that you stop seeing people faces, they start to look all the same, then their features disappear and they just cases of trauma, heart attack and so on, your transformation is then complete, you became a automatic health fixer, you just can stand there having patients handed to your machinery brain and body and they came out ready for rehabilitation, of course if they're lucky enough.

One year on that course is enough to send you to the mental institunisation, so I made a decision to stop that madness and shift to another one.

So here I was in a good hospital with fine working hours and a good salary, the repose of the soldier as I imagined it. I never have thought in my little monkey brain of mine what that perfect landscape will be hiding for me: the encounter with the human race!!!

I don't even know where to began, at first I was young and naïve, and I would believe everything thing my patients told me, then there were the despicable irrespectful ones who lit my fuse and made stand in front of the bar council, apparently is not appropriate to swear at a patient and try to hit him even if he's a complete asshole. From then I learned my lesson never the less I was about to lose my license which means radically loosing my life. That's when I realized my whole life was a piece of paper, all these years of immensurable hard work and sleepless nights, all these years of my youth taking away in the backs of medicine books could be washed away as simple as that because of this vile detestable individual. So I had to shake myself and wake up to this astonishing reality, I had to make peace with the fact that someday I may not be a doctor anymore, and that I have to resist the urge of punching patients.

So days was passing by and I was keeping pretending that people are not complete idiots, and there're human being with true sufferings, not all of them were despicable of course, some were nice and brought gifts with them as a thank you gift, so to be fair telling this story I could be nice and lovable and diplomatic and professional but I knew it was a lure, I couldn't trust my patients anymore.

You see the medicine it's a magnificent and amazing field, learning is the highest forms of enlightment but human beings are not. Most of us doctors keep waving this huge flag which that we studied medicine because we are so caring, so generous and we want to save lives, but the truth is we chose medicine because we're simply some nerds with the only skill is to memorize countless informations and passing hours studying without the once of tiredness or resentment, because we love to learn and we love to be praised as learners. Most of us as nerds, lack the tact of human interaction and social skills and we have to learn how to tolerate people the hard way.

To be honest I wanted to do researches in medicine, but then I would have to go through a whole system that will keep you in the academic arena, and there's no way I could have done that, it would have require dealing with the Professors and theirs sub-sequent, their huge ego, their nasty behiavior and the risk of being verbally humiliated with lacking power of doing anything against it, you see it's a world where you have to kiss asses or to be kicked out. So I preferred to resign and quit that option.

So here I'm in this big hospital, the hours went by as the years that precede, and my life were going more empty and more dull, I had