1 Prologue

My life is normal and boring. Nothing special about me. I have hopes, dreams, a family I get along with, and a stable home. The only thing unique about me is my strawberry-blond hair, but my two sisters also have that trait. (So not even that is unique.) I'm the middle child in a family of seven, but the stereotypes don't apply to me. Not all of them anyway.

My dream job is to become a doctor. Or, it was. Until about six months ago. Seven months ago was my first day of highschool. I was nervous at first, but soon I made a few friends and got accustomed to teenage life.

After about a month, though, I started getting paranoid. Whenever I heard whispers, I immediately thought "they're gossiping about me". At first, it was just students who I didn't know. But soon, I began to notice my friends treating me weird. They started avoiding me, and in group activities, they'd leave me out. One of them started joking she'd come for me in the middle of the night and kill me. I ignored it in the beginning, but she kept saying it. I eventually realized it was more than just a joke. By the end of the school year, I had started getting stomach aches every night, and every morning before school. I stopped eating, and couldn't get any sleep at night. On the last day we had to give presentations for science class. At the end of my presentation, I was almost crying and my face was as red as a tomato. Maybe that's just stage fright or at the very least, shyness. That's what I had thought at first. But I had performed on a stage in front of twice as many people, and I had just gotten a little indigestion. And it had become difficult for me to even respond to a question a family member asked me.

When summer was ending, I asked my mom if I could switch to online schooling. When she asked why, I came up with an excuse that was so petty that I don't even remember it. I regret doing that now. If I had continued to attend school, and not given up, maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad. If I had really tried and made new friends whom I trusted, maybe I wouldn't have lost hope and resorted to suicide. Maybe I wouldn't have lost my ability to trust people.

But too bad I hadn't realized things would turn out like this. I had been trying to save myself from experiencing more of that pain, but in the end it only made me suffer. What I was feeling right now, was so much worse than paranoia or anxiety. And now I'm doing the same thing as back then. I'm being a coward and running away, but my whole life is ruined. There's no going back. I can't fix the stupid things I did, and I can't live with that.

The wind blew in my face, my hair getting in the way of me looking down below. My whole body trembled. My greatest fear had always been heights, and now I was going to willingly jump off a skyscraper. I doubted this was what they meant by conquering your fears by facing them.

I took a deep breath and finally looked down. Sirens were wailing in the distance, and cars were honking, but I could barely hear any of it. I was completely focused on the traffic and bright lights below. The pedestrians walking around looked like ants. I was so high up. So, so high up. If I slipped right now, I'd die. Without a doubt.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I hadn't realized I wasn't breathing. I drew in a shaky breath. I had taken some pills earlier that helped with anxiety, and some painkillers, but I was still so scared. I had planned and prepared for this, every little detail taken into account. But the one thing I hadn't had a backup plan for, was this.

I had planned to take the pills, sneak away, go to the top of the skyscraper rooftop, and jump. But my body wouldn't move. I couldn't bring myself to take even a step closer to the edge. Maybe I should've gone with suicide pills after all. But would if they hadn't worked and my situation ended up worse than before? My parents would make me take therapy, and I would be constantly monitored, never getting a single moment alone. That's just what my parents are like. Extremely overprotective and annoying.

And besides, this seemed quicker. It was supposed to be quicker. And yet… it was taking so long for me to just gather the courage and jump. Coward. I'm such a coward. My family had always loved me. We'd spent so much time together, and we knew each other so well. We depended on and trusted one another, and yet… I had completely ruined everything. Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me.

Screw me being scared. Screw trying to turn my life around. This was reality. I wasn't gonna overcome this. I couldn't go back and fix what was already destroyed. My dream of being a doctor was just that. A dream. A stupid, childish dream. Those happy memories of me being with my family were just memories. All those times I laughed with my friends and talked about my great day at school with my mom... all of those were just lies.

I had always wanted something interesting to happen in my normal, boring life. I had wanted an exciting, thrilling life. Well, my wish came true. I wasn't feeling bored right now. I was feeling… overwhelmed. Like I was suffocating. Lately, that had been all I felt. Not boredom. Not even anxiety. Just the feeling of not being able to breathe.

I wanted that boring life back. Right now. I wished I could just go back in time and take back that stupid wish. That boring life… I wanted my boring life back. So badly. But… at the same time, I didn't want that. I didn't want to taint the good, happy memories of me and my family.

This was probably a stupidly horrible thing to do. But suddenly I felt at peace with it. I'd jump, and rest peacefully in the afterlife. If I even deserved to go there. My family would probably suffer because of me. I didn't deserve to go there. Anyone who made their loved ones suffer because of their own selfishness didn't deserve to rest peacefully. But… one last time, I wanted to be selfish. This would officially make me a selfish coward. But whatever. For once in my entire life, I'll be impulsive and not plan ahead. I won't think about the consequences. I won't think about the trauma I'll likely cause for whoever finds my body or witnesses my death. I'll just jump. I'll end it all, right here, right now. With this, I'll finally be free. With this one jump, I'll end all the anxiety and shame I had been feeling and I'll spend the rest of eternity peacefully. Or I'll pay for my sins in Hell. Either way, this world sucked and was disgusting, and when you're disgusted with something, the natural thing to do is try to get away from it.

So, goodbye to this disgusting world. And hello to whatever awaits me.

My body moved on its own. My foot took a step forward, and even though my stomach churned, I dove off the side of the skyscraper.