4 Chapter 4
May, second week*
I relished the grimaces and grumbles, It was becoming easier and easier to set the pace of any games they cooked up.
I pocketed my winnings, a meagre five pounds and some candy, flashing them a kind smile before returning to my room.
It had been been only a week since I obtained my new class and reading people has never been simpler. If I knew what to look for that is. Tiny expressions, twitches, glances and more could give you much information on what someone might be thinking of. Really, it was astounding what I could pick up despite missing most of it or simply not understanding what they meant.
Charisma being upped had helped too, granted it wasn't that much of an upgrade but any amount is helpful.
I whistled happily as I locked my door and threw myself on the bed.
[Name: Ethan Shaw
Title: Traveler
Class: Gambler (4/5); Thief (10/10); Rogue (5/5)
MP: 100
Stats
Strength: 10
Agility: 30
Dexterity: 20
Perception: 25
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 20
Charisma: 14
Cold Read (Un) (6/40)]
The mere sight of my full status always filled me with satisfaction.
I still didn't know just how much I outclassed anyone my with my current stats and it wasn't like my previous life's memories helped in that regard. I could rely on my more physical stats for that however and while I was definitely much faster than my peers for example.
I am definitely not superhuman or even approaching human limits either but I'd say I was at least above average to perhaps entering the so called 'genius' range for my highest caracteristics.
There was, I suspect, diminishing returns however. If a mere 10 was the average then by that premise 20 should be twice better right? Unfortunately that was wrong. Still I'll take what I can get.
Suddenly a scream echoed through the halls and I couldn't help my frown. It seems .was at it again. She was getting more and more testy recently and everyone was tense as a result. That couldn't mean anything good and I am loath to be subject to whatever resulting consequences that will bring.
Maybe I was partly at fault too?
My pranks may have helped shortening her fuse. The lost cloths and food in the result of my pranking spree may be related to that...
"So more laying low then?" I sighed. I was starting to get restless and a curfew certainly won't help me. At least those singing lessons with were enjoyable even if there were too few for my tastes, loath as I am to admit.
At least my new skill can cheer me up.
[Acting (C) (1/20)]
It was a common rank Skill and yet the potential it had was frightening. Could I control every action shown to others at higher ranks? Induce emotions? Convince the police I'm a victim after flatlining somebody before their eyes?
The last one was a bit violent.
Even so, it was a good question. I just hoped I would still be able to express my true emotions. I'd hate to lose myself in masks.
"Everyone better come here right now! Or God help me I-"
I groaned. Another lecture from hell coming up.
Ugh I just hope I won't be stuck scrubbing an already clean floor. Again.
___________________
One week.
I needed one week to get one level for a profession.
Damn that hag to hell! Who gives that much chores to a bunch of kids?! It was like a bootcamp from hell, what the hell?!
At least it was done. Even her can't keep doing that forever, no matter how much she wished to.
'Focus on the good things, Ethan. Lamenting the bad things that happen in your life will lead you nowhere.'
[You have leveled up! You have unlocked another Skill! Sense intent (C) (1/20)
You may now choose another class!
Choose a new class: Fighter Magician]
Only the basic classes ? Disappointing but fortunate. Knowing myself I would want to further the Rogue archetype despite craving to do magic.
It was a simple choice at least.
[Congratulations! You are now a magician!
Magician: Magicians are just charlatans. Preying on the mundane's ignorance to make a living. Be it future readings, rabbits in hats or any tomfoolery they may use to awe a crowd, it is all just smoke and mirrors. And so are you now. Or maybe not? After all, you were always the devil child, were you not? Gives +2 intelligence/+25 Mp per level]
Lies? I hope to God I get to play with magic or I am going to be Irritated.
[You may now choose a Skill:
Meditation (Common): Meditation can be defined as a set of techniques that are intended to encourage a heightened state of awareness and focused attention. It is also a consciousness-changing technique shown to have many benefits on psychological well-being. Dive deep into yourself and find what is hidden.
Showmanship (Common): Showmanship is the skill of performing in such a manner that will appeal to an audience or aid in conveying the performance's essential theme or message. But the truth is you just want to boost your ego, you peacock.
Storytelling (Common): Storytelling is the interactive art of using words and actions to reveal the elements and images of a story while encouraging the listener's imagination. Or, as may be more up your speed, tell a few lies to seem more impressive to the opposite sex. You may attract a few desperate ones.]
'This class may be a dud, after all.'
The only thing preventing me from smashing my head on the wall was the last line for meditation.
"'Find what is hidden', huh?"
This may be a prelude to obtaining a mana manipulation skill and a necessary requirement to unlock further classes. In any case, meditation is supposed to help in controlling one's emotions so that was dearly needed.
There was too many cases of something weird happening because I couldn't control myself this past week. It hadn't helped that it angered the hag even more.
Well that and the class gives Mp so I should be good.
Probably.
[Name: Ethan Shaw
Title: Traveler
Class: Magician (1/5); Gambler (5/5); Thief (10/10); Rogue (5/5)
MP: 125
Stats
Strength: 10
Agility: 30
Dexterity: 20
Perception: 25
Intelligence: 10 - 11
Wisdom: 20
Charisma: 15]
"Better get to it now."
_________________
Meditation was harder than I anticipated even though I already expected that.
The first five minutes were easy enough. It was after that problems appeared.
I couldn't stop thinking about my Skills, classes, the Hag, those stupid-
And I was doing it again.
I breath harshly before falling back on my bed. Annoyance coursing my veins like never before.
I hadn't progressed much only (3/20) in four days which was my lowest record so far.
I was just too affected by my sourroundings. Being impatient to do magic and too angry because of the matron who was on a warpath. I was trying to deal with my anger issues while being made angry which was definitely suboptimal.
I guess this was it. I just had to learn how to let go. To let go of my emotions, to not restrain tham so much as confronting them, accepting them and letting them go.
Which was bloody difficult and easier said than done.
Look at the good side. you now know how to advance which was better than before. Go forward, little cub.
I chuckled. To think he would be the one to comfort me. He who was always pointing the bad things so that I stopped ignoring them.
But that was the thing wasn't it? I stopped doing it so he didn't need to do it for me.
'Go forward...'
I sat up, relaxed my legs from their previous position and got back to it.
My Skill won't level itself, after all.
_________________
It was now the start of june and school had just finished.
May was a truly trying month so I was glad it was over. Meditation had progressed much, now resting at a respectful level (17/20) so that was good. While it was cetrainly hard to maintain my calm I feel it was for the best.
My control had considerably improved, so much so that I wasn't causing much more incidents because of my magic. Which in turn has made much calmer.
She was still a hag though.
I slowly got out of the building, last in the line as usual. Considering what was happening recently I hadn't played the pickpocket and thus not leveled my other Skills. It wasn't that important anyway and while it would be useful to evolve them, I can't keep going full throtle.
I need rest otherwise I was gonna burnout really spectacularly.
I didn't need nor want to have someone splattered against a wall.
Additionnaly it helped me meditate too, so that was a plus.
I stopped and took a good look at the various children either being greeted by family, others going home and playing with their friends. An unknown feeling washing over me.
'Always alone, indeed.' I thought somewhat depreciatingly.
Perhaps it was for the best. I have no idea where I am going forward, just that I was not stopping no matter what. And I doubt anyone would be able to follow me.
"Ethan, are you okay?" I turned to see smiling gently at me. I could see a brow creased ever so slightly.
You really are too compasionnate, woman.
"I am." I simply looked back at the entrance, letting my any negative emotions have their hold over me for a moment more before discarding them.
I did not need to see her to know she didn't believe me. I was quite moody this past month after all.
"Are you sure? You were quiet recently- More than usual that is." she corrected herself when I snorted and she smiled wryly.
" was a bit hard on us recently, is all." Her face momentarily darkened before she smoothed it. She knew from the hints I dropped over time the orphanage wasn't a pleasant place. I'm sure she heard just as much if not more from the other orphans' mouth then from their teachers.
"I see." She simply stayed silent, knowing there wasn't much she could do. It wasn't like she could adopt every orphan, that was unrealistic. And siccing child services on the hag won't do anything. Rare were orphanages who weren't understaffed or short of money.
Sometimes both.
Thinking of them was more than anyone does, much less what she did each time she saw any orphan.
"Would you like to meet my family Ethan?"
I blinked.
'What is she scheming now?' I looked at her, she just pointed her finger and I followed it to see a man getting out of a car before taking a toddler out. Smiling and waving towards us.
I looked back at her, silently asking what whe was on and where could I get some.
Her reassuring smile and her hand pushing me gently forward told me she didn't, in fact, understand what I meant.
The man just continued to smile at us but I could see the curiosity filling him by the confused glance he threw me. Credit where it was due, he followed along well.
"Hi Eric!" She just radiantly smiled and kissed him on the cheek as he returned the favor. "Hi baby!" Aaaand we lost her, she already had descended into the gibberish they called baby-talk and it was very effective considering the giggling.
We just exchanged glances, exasperation filling us only like men who didn't understand what went into the abyss filled mind of the creature known as women.
"Oh! Sorry Ethan, this my husband Eric and this-" She pushed her spawn in my face, "is our baby girl Sarah! Say hello Sarah."
I didn't understand what spilled out of the mouth of the baby but loosely translated to a greeting. Hopefully I wasn't too off the mark.
"Hello Sarah, Hello . Pleased to meet you." Least I could do is to be polite, deserved that much.
"Hello to you too, Ethan. Rose had much to say about you." He smiled cheerfully. His voice was kinda deep but not threatening at all, his demeanor easy and welcoming. Still, I had to admire his courage. - or Rose I guess- instantly zeroed on him to give a warning stare. I never knew she could do that and it was a bit terrifying.
He didn't seem worried at all even though the Stare of Doom® was leveled unto him, telling to tread carefully or face the consequences. My respect for him rose several levels.
"Oh Nothing much, just that you were this shy but kind child with the voice of an angel." His never wavered as he said those disgusting words and I couldn't help the deadpan I threw to the culprit.
She seemed to be considering her husband's fate for a moment before nodding and then saw my stare, "What? It's true! You have such a lovely voice Ethan. It's such a shame you don't want to share it with the others."
A lovely voice? More like a harpy's screech alright. Even the game agreed with me since it didn't give me any singing skill.
She really had the gall to stand there innocently, as if all was right in the world, her smile was so serene a buddah would weep in envy. But I knew it was all bullshit. She knew it, Eric knew it and even her baby knew it if her laugther was anything to go by.
You can't fool me woman.
I just sighed, I couldn't win this and did not want to put any effort to. Agreeing with was the only choice.
"I guess." Maybe I didn't have to drawl like that but I couldn't help it. It amused Eric at least since he snorted.
"You do!" You were really going to argue? Let the matter go, I agreed with you, "Really you do! I wish you would believe in yourself more, and I am always right in these matter! End of story." This woman...
Eric's amusement was so palpable it pratically radiated from him. Please end my suffering, Eric. As a fellow man you must understand the depth of my pain.
"Alright enough teasing, dear. I think he has enough." Thank you Eric. I shall raise an altar to your name and pray to it every day from now on.
She just harrumphed and grumbled that it was true, like I was going to believe her. She really is stubborn isn't she?
As we continued our chatter and bantering sometimes, I couldn't help but think that this was why I kept her at arms length. Treacherous warmth pooled inside me, no matter how much I tried to stop it.
I wasn't ready to form bonds that may shatter soon.
_______________
Meditation, as I found, had a few components for it to work.
First you need to choose a quiet spot that is free of distractions, then set a time limit thus making it easier to at first do it and then not to loose yourself in it. Waking an hour later than you wanted was a nasty surprise.
Next was to pay attention to your body and get comfortable. You can sit cross-legged on the floor or in a chair as long as you feel that you can sit comfortably for several minutes at a time. Whatever floats your boat. Now focus on your breathing. Try taking deep breaths that expand your belly and then slowly exhale. Pay attention to how each breath feels.
Finally, notice your thoughts. The purpose of meditation is not to clear your mind—your mind is inevitably going to wander. Instead, focus on gently bringing your attention back to your breath whenever you notice your thoughts drifting. Don't judge your thoughts or try to analyze them; simply direct your mind back to your deep breathing.
But the last part is insufficient. At least if you want to go to greater heights that is.
My Skill was maxed, it just needed that last push to evolve and I've been stuck here for a while. I couldn't for the life of me make forcibly evolve. And the skill list wasn't of any help. I still got Showmanship but haven't maxed my class. It was like evolving Meditation was the last step needed to grasp magic.
I didn't understand why. I could do magic just fine by using my anger but lacked any control.
Perhaps that was the thing I needed. Control.
I slumped on my bed, letting out a tired beath. I had to reflect on what was stopping me from getting it. My magic mas just that. Mine. So it should be reasonable that I could control it, no?
I could feel as my eyes glazed, seeing but not seeing the roof of my room. The differents grains of the wood, memorized to almost perfection. Sometimes I forgot where some of them were or just mixed them with other grains. It was weird because I knew it like the back of my hand. It was like forgetting that a part of me existed.
Like a part of me...
I slowly sat up, my mind sluggishly kicking into gear.
My magic was a part of me, always there, always responding to my emotions. No matter how much I tried to restrain myself, no matter how I tried to forget it it was there.
Because that was the problem wasn't it? I was afraid of being rejected, of not being accepted, of forming bonds with people.
I was rejecting myself.
I chuckled bitterly. All this talk about grasping happiness and going forward only to realize I still stand in the same place.
The irony was so strong it seemed to have entered my body and possessed me. Like a skin-deep comedy.
Then just grow strong.
What?
Grow so strong that people wouldn't dare abandonning us, that bonds may hurt but never break us. Strong enough to face ourselves.
It was that simple, huh.
This time I let my chuckle go free. A sound so joyful I didn't believe to be capable of it anymore.
"Just get strong indeed." I wispered. A smile lighting up my face.
I was just letting my fear control me, chaining me down in place when I so desperately wanted to change. To not be the same person who drowned in his own despair.
I will have to just face myself. To see the ugly, the bad, the good and everything in between. I will break free of my chains. No not break free...
'I will let myself free.'
I got into position, closing my eyes and steadying my breathing. Listening closely to the sounds of living people. To the laughter, the people talking, those screaming, the cars, even the wildlife as little there is in a city.
I set it all aside diving deep into myself, feeling and hearing my heartbeats, my blood coursing through my veins in tandem with my breathing.
And set even that aside.
I dived so deep I couldn't hear anything. Darkness sourrounded me from all sides, water touched my feet, it oscillating from my arrival before returning to its natural stillness.
It was conforting to be here, detached from everything. I could feel the Voice waiting, eager for what was to come yet patiently waiting.
I took a deep breath and let go, "Once more unto the breach." I wispered before looking down.
Then flashes appeared, each too fast for to make head or tails of them. Over time they slowed, gently settling in memories. Memories I didn't want to face.
Memories I will face.
I wasn't the smartest, this I readily admitted. My intelligence score showed it, I was barely more than above average. And that was without talking about my EQ which was ridiculously low and my SQ that was ridiculously high.
A twisted mess if there ever was one.
I wasn't the strongest, Either physically or emotionaly. Going to the gym was just an attempt to bolster my self-confidence, to prove to myself that I could do it. Unfortunately I was just so tired of everything that it barely had any effect. My willpower was effectively down to zero.
So in this moment I will simply be the bravest.
I was still afraid to lose bonds. To see others break their bonds with me. These fears will probably be with me for my whole life but that was okay.
For my own sake I will carry them, head held high.
And so I looked.
I looked until my eyes hurt, until they watered, until I felt they may bleed because of how wide and long I held them open. I would not miss even a fraction of my past. Every moment of pain, every moment of joy. Everytime I hesitated to confront my family about my feelings, everytime I tried to make things right only to fail monumentaly. I saw myself laying on my bed drugged out of my mind with medicine, barely having any control of myself, feeling nothing would ever be good anymore. That I wouldn't get up from rock bottom.
I faced it all, I accepted it all.
I let it all go.
Finally.
I opened my eyes at the same time as the voice, as myself. Feeling a wide smile take over my face.
We are free.
