1 In the daze of our fantasy

Our story is set a pleasant Friday afternoon in the early spring of 2020. The place, an empty school yard in the region of southwestern Kristianstad. A student is discovered seated comfortably at the root of a great tree, against which he was leaning, his legs were extended straight along the ground, his english book lay across his thighs, his hands rested upon the poor book. One seeing him would say that he slept, upon hearing his deep breath. Making that the only sound you could hear.

Who was this person sitting under the tree, alone, in an abandoned schoolyard, town,

country, world?

That was exactly what I wondered when I kneeled down beside him, smelling him. The

scent of vanilla and cinnamon. Odd but pleasant.

I let my eyes fall on him. Tracing his appearance, every little detail that I could find;

dark brown, almost black messy hair. A ripped white t-shirt, that appeared to have stains of blood when it first caught one's eye. No pants, but a pair of striped loseley fitted boxers ending where the book started. His skin tone very light and fair, looking like the sun would set his skin on fire if he took one step out of the shadow that the tree cast over us.

I focused my eyes back on the book he had, laying over his thighs. I was mesmerized

by the glowing look of it and I couldn't keep myself from picking it up. Letting my hands slide down on the smooth cover, as I read the title. Our last days: In the daze of this fantasy.

The book seemed interesting and all I wanted to do was opening it and start read. But

that's when the boy suddenly moved and I quickly let go of the book and then climbed up the tree. I knew that he could not see me. But I had to be careful, no matter what.

I looked down at him, watching his eyes flickering for a bit, before they opened up and

he looked around in confusion. I wanted to tell him where he was, but my ability to contact others were weak and I could not risk getting caught.

For a bit he just sat there, wondering, thinking. Trying to figure out what had happened

and where he was. He even started to talk to himself.

"Come on." He whispered angrily out in the thin air, over and over again. But when he

was unable to think of something, he started to slam his head back against the tree. Probably hoping for the sensation of pain spreading through his body, but it was for no use.

When one is located here, you can not hurt thyself nor anyone else. Why you couldn't

hurt anyone else had a simple answer; No one else was present.

Why you can not hurt yourself has a complicated explanation, an explanation that

wasn't even known by me and still isn't. Though I wish I knew, it could have helped me save him. Many things could have helped me save him from this.

After a while I heard a siren in the distance, the boy unable to hear it just sat still. I panicked and jumped down from the tree. Taking his book and running into the school.

He followed, as planned. Who wouldn't follow a flying book in a location

unbeknownst to oneself. I ran up the main set of stairs, up to the third floor, hurrying across it to reach the second set of stairs, which I ran down. When I arrived in the basement I let go of the book, climbing up one set of lockers. Hiding, peeking out from the edge, waiting for him to arrive.

And when he did, I was very proud of myself upon hearing his heavy breathing.

Feeling a wave of relief spreading through my body, when the siren stopped.

"I know someone's there!" He exclaimed, "Please? My name is Killian Aurelius!" I

wanted to scream 'YES I KNOW' to him. I know everything about him. I want to tell him my name, tell him about this place and comfort him.

Suddenly the sound of distance footsteps appeared and Killian jumped in his spot.

Turning around trying to find the person causing the footsteps. But there was no one around, no one in near sight that could have caused the sound.

I slowly followed him with my eyes, when he started to walk away. What am I

supposed to do now? This is my first time. Argh this is so annoying.

When he had left the basement I rolled out from over the lockers and landed on all fours

on the floor. My head was spinning with different tasks, that I had to do.

A checklist I had to complete.

Oh god I am so screwed. I need help, but it will be impossible. If I ask for help I will

never get completed. I will never get a mission again. I will never…

Okay, think. I was a trainee under one of the elders during Jane Seymour. She died.

Olof Palme, he died. Elvis Presley, also died. Michael Jackson? Dead. Whitney Houston, she sur- No she died as well. Have I ever been a trainee on a successful mission?

That Adolf guy, he survived. But only the first time. Then it was one of those Romanov

kids, she survived and then died of natural, no she died during an earthquake.

How do the elders expect me to complete my mission successfully, when I've never

seen a mission succeed ever.

Come on, focus. You have to keep on eye on your target. Can I call him target? Or

maybe protectee. Is that even word?

Stop, focus. Killian has walked away and is searching for the footsteps or, or and me.

This is all confusing me. Are you serious? Come on now brain focus. I know that you know what the footsteps were.

Oh no, oh shit. I have still lost Killian. This is not going good for me. What does life

have against me or maybe not me. It's more like…

Focus. Come on, you get lost in your own head right now, trying to figure out how to

save that guys life. While you are literally is causing him more danger and the risk of him dying is higher when I don't have him in my sight.

How stupid can I be? The answer is very, very incredibly stupid. What should I do? I

have to solve this and do it now.

"I have to track him down!" I exclaimed, not thinking about that Killian can hear me if

he hasn't wandered off to far away. So doing that made me even more stupid than before.

"I heard you." His voice had an undertone of carefulness. It was so sweet and since I

already messed up, why don't keep on messing up.

"Sorry." I sighed in relief when he walked around the corner.

"Where am I?" Killians face lit up when he saw me. Like he had been hit by lightning.

Okay that was a bad comparison, but don't blame me. How would I know.

"It..- Yeah you kn- It's complicated." I stuttered, trying not to choke on the words

leaving my mouth.

"Can you try to explain?" I wanted to say yes when I saw his eyes tear up. Let myself

melt, go weak under the pressure of having him cry in front of me.

"I really can't." I whispered and that's when it hit me, "You can see me?"

"Yes!?" The answer sounded like a statement and a question at the same time, but even

if I wanted to focus on that, I couldn't. My body got filled with joy.

He can see me? He can really see me? He can see me! I wanted to scream and jump

around in excitement.

I made it, I succeeded with the first part of the mission. I have gotten my reward. Oh

what I have longed for this moment.

"So, how are you doing?" My brain was on overdrive and even though I knew the

answer I still had to ask, even though it was kind of insensitive.

"I don't know where I am. Who you are and why I am not wearing better, more

appropriate clothes." His cheeks flushed with a light pink color and I sent my best smile his way.

"There is no way I can get you any other clothes. I'm sorry." The feeling spreading

through my body when he returned the smile, had me startled. I couldn't and can't explain it and if I tried I would die right now on the spot.

"It's okay," He giggled, "It seems like it is just you and me here so." I couldn't help but

laugh, not at him, but with him.

Suddenly I heard a distant voice, that was calling for me. I let my gaze fall on Killian,

before I excused myself and told him to stay where he was.

When I came to the main set of stairs, I slowly walked up them. Afraid of what I would meet. I came to the first floor or the first and a half floor -this building is complicated-, I was met by one of the elders sitting in a red couch.

The expression on her face looked serious and I was not in for this, at all. I took a deep

breath and advanced forward, until I stood one meter away from her. Her eyes, they were filled with anger and in that moment I knew I had done something wrong.

"Goodday Elder Maroth." I bowed in front of her, to show my respect.

"You are doi- You can do better." I just nodded, waiting nervously for her to continue,

"You see, you work hard and are doing the job the right way, following all the rules. But..." There it came, the but indicating that something was wrong, "You have to control yourself." I looked at Elder Maroth in confusion, not being completely sure of what she meant.

"Excuse me, but Elder Maroth what do you mean?" She sighed at my question,

growing impatient, with my 'lack of knowledge'.

"Please. You are still young. You have to find out yourself." She gave me a weak smile

before she disappeared in front of my eyes.

One should've known what to do and what to expect from the elders, when they visited

during a mission. Even so I was still clueless about those kind of situations. I know more now, since I've grown. Grown out of my oblivion and kept looking forward. Do I still regret everything that happened? Yes I do. I still wish that I could turn back time and make it right. Only that the time has already passed and it cannot easily be turned back.

All of a sudden, I heard footsteps coming from the basement. I jumped in the spot and

hastily turned around, meeting Killian's confused eyes.

"Who were you talking to?" His voice was so sweet when he spoke. He made me feel

like I could drop dead right where I was standing. It was what people back then would call 'cuteness overload'. I don't think that, that expression is used anymore.

"No one, don't worry." I answered as I sighed quietly at the reminder of Elder Maroth's

visit.

"I want to learn more about you?" My eyes turned to the wall, a painted picture of goats

in africa with those googly eyes, that someone had put on them, caught my eyes and consumed my attention. Probably because I was scared of what I would start talking about if I were to let him 'learn more about me'.

What would I even say? What could I say, without breaking the rules. The Elders

would have my head on a pole if I didn't follow the lawbook. Or that's just what I thought.

But, due to learning and understanding. My head is still a part of my body, even if I

broke the rules.

The time went fast, one day turned into a week, that turned into a month. The more time we spent together, the more I started to lose control over myself.

I was breaking the rules, like there were no rules. I started talking, letting Killian get to

know me. Even if it could cost him his life.

"Wait, wait, wait. So you've been living here since the beginning of time?" He looked

at me, stunned and out of breath from all the laughing.

"Well, yes you could say that." I giggled softly, meeting a smile from him, with a slight

of seductiveness in my eyes, "Well I'm just to it."

"But, don't you feel lonely?" I was able to see how his face shifted, from happy, to sad

and concerned. A tear fell down his cheek.

"Well, you are here now, aren't you?" I replied, grabbing his chin with my right hand.

Trying to comfort him.

"Will I be here forever?" He sobbed, "Can I please stay here forever?"

"There is no such thing here. Forever for you is until you die." I could feel how my

heart stopped for a moment when he took my hand, that I had by his face, "Forever for you, is until you die." The grip on my hand became tighter, "Forever for me, is until time stops." Killian dropped his head, letting go of my hand. Letting himself fall into my embrace.

It was a magical moment, I miss it. I miss him. His smile, his laugh, his touch. His

presence. There is no words that can describe how much I loved him. No, how much I LOVE him. Since I after all, still do love him.

"Our forevers isn't comparable. You should know that by now." I stroked my hand over

his hair, letting him soke my white linen shroud with his tears.

"Utinttlmewhimhre." I couldn't make out his words, since he spoke them against my

clothing. All I could hear was a muffle whimper.

"I can't hear you, can you repeat?" He moved his head, just enough so his mouth

wasn't pressed against my chest.

"You still haven't told me why I'm here." Killian cried.

"I will tell you, when the time comes." As I spoke, tears started to burn in my eyes,

screaming for me to just let go into the sorrow. The sorrow of Killian leaving.

"What time?" His voice was low and weak, when he let his head fall against my chest

again. Only that this time it was his forehead pressed against me.

"Your time to leave." I whispered, as I myself shed my first tears. It was hard to wrap

my head around. That he soon would be leaving. Well, soon could be everything between in one hour, to thirty years.

In our case, it was sooner than I had expected. Sooner than I had hoped for. For the

reason I worked against. I failed my mission and lost the love of my life, at the same time. Something so hard to work past. Something that time will never be able to heal. It is nothing that forever can do, to stop the aching deep inside my heart. Because, after all these years, it still feels like I have a piece of my heart missing.

"How will I know when it's time?" I looked down at him, he had started to bury his

face in my lap and my tears fell down on his neck.

"You won't know. Only I will hear the warning." My voice was shaking, vulnerable.

As fast as I spoke, it sounded like someone was stabbing me and that what it felt like too.

"I don't want to leave you!" He exclaimed, "I don't even know your name." He

flinched, stood up and walked away from under the tree where we were sitting.

My heart dropped down to my stomach and I felt sick. Seeing him walk away from me,

being reminded by the fact…

The fact.

The fact that our time together is-

I mean was, very limited.

Like I said to Killian on that day, 'Our forevers isn't comparable'. They were never,

they still aren't and they will never be comparable.

I stayed under the tree, just waiting for Killian to come back. Leaning my back against

the tree, just taking in the sight. When I remembered the book.

The book he had in his lap, when he first arrived. It was months ago. He was sitting,

sleeping at the exact same spot where I was sitting in that moment, when I was reminded by the books existens. In the daze of fantasy.

I opened the book, looking fast through the pages, seeing blood stains. Making the

pages look dirty and sinful.

Killian, that poor boy. The reason why he is here. The bad state he is in and he doesn't

even know. He doesn't even know what happened to him.

Then I felt it, an earthquake. Killian must have felt it as well, for in the blink of an eye

he stood right in front of me.

"What was that?" He asked, panting. Trying to get air into his lungs. But it was no use.

"Your time has come." I couldn't look at him. He only had a couple of minutes left. For

they have taking him off of the life support.

"Please, tell me now. Please before it's too late." Killian cried out.

"You were attacked, while reading. In an LGBT+ café, you weren't the only one. But

the attackers were from your school. So upon seeing you there, they used extra force on you." I bit my lower lip, I was hoping that it would help me hold back my sobs. But it didn't, "You were taken to a hospital and have been laying in a coma ever since." I stood up. Meeting his eyes with mine.

"Ho- What do you- how?"

"When you are in a coma, you have your on state of mind. That's why you are here."

"Please tell me who you are!" He was pleading, begging for me to tell him the truth of

who I was.

"Zuriel." I whispered, "My name is Zuriel." He took my hands and shied away from

my gaze. Blushing, when he turned his eyes back at me.

"Zuriel." He mumbled, taking a step forward, coming closer. Meeting my eyes once

again. It felt like I was drowning in his ice blue eyes. The expression he had, told me that he

was scared to pieces of what was to come. I looked at him. Let my eyes trace his body, up and down. Before I-

I was to slow. Because when I was about to…. He already stood on his toes, pressing

his lips against mine. I closed my eyes. Feeling those soft, warm lips. The first and last time I would ever feel him close to me. I felt how he nibbled on my lower lip and I melted on the spot for him. So I slowly sank down, so he didn't have to be on his tippy toes anymore.

I pulled him closer. Not wanting it to end. Searching for the heat his body gave of.

Giving in to the way he reached my heart. Like no one else before.

Suddenly it came. The decreasing heat. The loss of the feeling, the feeling of having

him against me. I opened my eyes, slowly. Watching the last of him fade away, before I collapsed on the ground, looking like a crying mess.

I wish that I could have saved him. I wish I could turn back time and cherish our moments together. Not taking anything for granted. Not that I ever really did, but I should have told him the truth. So he also could've been stuck in the moment with me.

Except that is not the case. He died on that day. While I am, a hundred years later.

Sitting in the council of the elders. Having to decide what people we should reincarnate.

I don't care if reincarnate Anne Boleyn or Catherine Howard. All I want is to have

Killian by my side again.

I failed my mission and lost my soulmate, at the same time. Of course it hurts. I'm

stuck until the end of times, while his soul is free to wander the universe.

But what did I expect? What could have been different? He, he was my world.

During the little time we had together. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I can't decide peoples faites. I can only try to help them survive when they are in need.

I failed Killian and myself.

I failed my first mission.

I failed the elders.

But there is nothing I can do, to make the pain disappear and the time to get turnt

back.

I am not human, but I have a soul.

I am not alive, but I have a beating heart.

I am just a simple being.

Wanting to love and be loved.

Sincerely, Zuriel.

Signed by the council of Elders, Reincarnation leader.

The guardian angel of immortality and the eternal life.

The sacred Zuriel.

Blessed with the gift of living November 7th 1460.

Left for the eternal rest May 15th 2120.