3 My Mind Races

Today is like any normal day.

I tell myself I'll awaken at six and be out by seven

But 6:50 comes and I'm still staring at the plain white wall of my bedroom.

My mind starts to race.

You have to shower, be dressed, feed your dog and be out in 10.

I start to panic.

I leap out of my bed and rush to my shower.

9 minutes.

I leave my shower and rush to my room and throw on any item of fabric from my blackened closet.

I grab my dog and walk her outside, rushing her and my breathing gets faster.

I race to my door and then to her food. Dropping it everywhere it shouldn't be.

I say screw it and grab my stuff and begin to leave

I realize I don't have my keys and rush back

I find them. But begin to realize I never brushed my teeth.

Times up but I cannot leave. I brush my teeth and put on deodorant and perfume and run out once more

-1

I check my phone. Babygirl snapped you. Crap I forgot to send my streaks

-2

I send my streaks as I'm walking fast out of my complex

-3

I reach the road. And my brain enters a trance. I stare at the moving cars and my mind races.

-4

Should I? No. I can't I have a performance today. However it's not like anyone will care that you don't perform....

-5

New text from Salty LOML💕😂 I stare at the message and remember the people I would hurt if I tried.

So I walk to my bus.

I go on the rest of my day with my classes.

They all go by fast.

Everything just seems like noise to me.

I never pick up anything my teachers say nor most of the time, my friends.

My body may be in school, at lunch or in it's various class seats.

But my mind races else where.

I think back to the morning and wonder if I did everything right.

I think about how toxic the thoughts I had this morning were.

I think about letting my parents down with my grades.

My hands start to tremble.

My throats clenches and I feel as if I'm being choked.

I won't cry I must be strong.

Lunch comes and I grab the first thing I see.

Everything seems unappetizing to me

but I continue to eat.

I put a smile on my face and laugh with my friends at their jokes about how "gay" we are.

I go on with the day not paying much attention to the world around me.

After it all I leave to my bus.

As I wait I can't help look at the people I've lost.

My mind races

Why wasn't I good enough

Why am I still not good enough?

Why can't I do anything right?

Why do people always leave?

What's the point of having friends?

What's the point of living?

Why do I try?

The bus arrives and I get on and head home.

Time passes and I'm in my living room

My dog barks but all I can do is just sit on the couch

Throw on tv

And fall asleep

1 hour passes

2 hours

And my moms home.

"Why didn't you walk the dog.?

Why didn't you clean?

Why do I have to tell you to do things when you should do them anyways?!"

I know she's right

I should help out more

But I can barely help myself

Let alone help her or my dog.

I love my mom.

And I love my dog.

But I'm trying to love myself.

But I can't.

So I say "sorry" and stare at the tv while she goes off.

I don't know how else to react

so I just sit and stare at the familiar cartoon

and I don't say another word.

Sooner or later I go to my room and realize

My homework isn't done and I have 5 minutes till bedtime

My mind races

I race to grab my homework and scribble whatever I can onto the page until my mom tells me I have to sleep

I turn off the lights

And stare at the ceiling

My mind races for the last time that night.

I think of my parents

And how I've failed them

I think of my friends

And how I've failed them

I think of my dog

And how I've failed her

I think of my grandma

And how I've failed her.

I don't cry.

To be honest I don't know how to much anymore.

I just clench my sharp nails into the palm of my fist

And close my eyes

And I drift asleep

Till the next morning

Where the cycle comes again

And again

Because I think I'm getting better

But in fact

I'm getting worse

I don't feel myself anymore.

I feel like a black hole sucking in the happiness of others

and myself

However I'm getting help

So maybe sooner or later

I'll be better

Because my mind may race

But I'll stay strong

Strong for the people whom love me

The future I have planned

For not just everybody else

But especially

Myself

My mind races

Everyday of my life

But from now on out

I'm going to fight

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