12 Lost On Both Sides

"No man, we've had our fun, now you need to man up" I heard someone said from afar as I slowly come into conscience. My head hammered so loudly and I wondered why, then the event of last night start filing back into my head, I went out with Nat, he loved and treated me like a queen and we had repeated sex till my body could no longer stand it. I have never had sex like that before, we both no I have not had plenty. So ok, do I want a repeated? Yes but not in the next three weeks. I tried to smile but the hostility I felt in this voice was not encouraging any friendship, what did I do wrong I wondered, so I opened my eyes slowly ready to send Nat into thousand blazes, if he is daring to play with my heart, by first treating my body well and then sleeping beside me and acting like an enemy, for I know I can no longer play this silly mind game. I tried to opened my eyes slowly ready to put him in his place. God knows, just because I slept with him does not mean I handed over the control of my life to him, but my eyes refused to obey.

I struggled to move but felt my body responded to my command too slowly. I mean too slow for my liking, but I succeeded in cracking my eyes open, I had to close it immediately. Earning myself a drumming rounds, I ignored the headach focusing on what I thought I just saw, I must still be drunk for that is the only way the man I have ever desired and beg God every night to bring back to me could ever be in my bed, the man I lost forever to my friends and stupidity. God knew I could do anything, give up anything, just to be with him. What I don't understand now is why my mind has decided to play such a trick on me. I must desire more that I am willing to admit. Just when I finally can be with someone that I could replaced him with in a jiffy; in that empty space my mind had allowed no man to fill not even my dubious ex. I wondered why I agreed to settle down with him , I guessed It was the pressure from him and friends. I looked again, the picture is the same and I began to think I am must be more messed up than I think. "Are you sure you are up?" I asked myself silently.

"Do you still remember me?" he said rolling out of my embrace. The voice connected, Phillip is Nat no it can't be, yet that voice, that was the voice that was with me all night, I am so confuse I could not talk; my brain refused to function, as I watched him get dressed slowly.

"I don't date popper like you, who do not have anything going for them. You are poor and you surround yourself with poor people family and friends all the same. I don't think you can ever be rich so you can't have me or my virginal ever" he said almost sounding like me. That is it, the last stroll that broke the camel's back. He is Phillip alright but why now, just when I thought thing can't get any worse than this. He zipping up his pant trousers and slipping into his shoes, all The while his eyes was on me, watching for every emotion that crossed my face.

"It's you" I said, I never thought my heart beat can accelerated any further but it did, I know I messed up back then but not now, how low and scattered can I go, I thought they say one can't fall more once on is on the ground, but I am in the floor and have this feeling of falling more.. No this can't be happening.

"Yes it is, who else did you think it will be, some stupid men who will fall into your gold digging hand?" "Gold digging, Is that what he think of me what?" I blink my eyes severally. god to think I was falling for him

"Sorry to fall your hands it is me, with that said I think my work here is now officially over have a good life" have a good life how? God so I really do messed this up big time, didn't I? I can see he is out for his pound of flesh. How I loved this man back then maybe this is my chance to mend what was broken. As tears ran down my eyes uncontrollable, the headache increased, but I paid no attention to it, why am I crying? I couldn't tell, I just knew I can't stop myself even if I try. I made to talk to explain but he quickly picks up his phone and walked to the door.

"Phillip" I called and he turned back and answered

"Yes the name is Nathaniel Phillip in what way can I help you" I looked at him to see if he has any feeling for me, but what I saw was anger, lots of it and something I can't define. What I do not understand is how he could make me burn for him without having any feelings for me, no I do not believe he had no feelings for me I just had to try more

"Pleas..." he opened the door and banged it after him. Scream left my mouth; I held my head as pain shoot through it, God I just wish I die, I rolled onto the floor dragging my pillow with me.

Nat POV

Three streets away from hers I packed the car, with a shaking hand; I did the right thing I said over and over again but I could not bring myself to believe me. I laughed out feeling miserable I felt I had just shot at my heart. tears rolled down my cheeks. I cleaned it. I can't believe l am crying. I laughed out loud feeling so miserable.

should I go back and beg, tell her I didn't mean what I said. I groaned, no way heaven knows I will die first before I beg

l brought out my phone and call Mat, he picked up immediately.

"Hello" I was taken aback so I joked

"Hello to you too, where you expecting my call?"

"You fool yourself too much why should I expect your call?" he said laughing

"Because you picked up immediately, or you thought the call was from a girl." Ignoring me he answered

"That's because my phone is in my head, and the last I checked it's called handset you fool." He said and I laughed

"So to what do I hold this call, this early on a Saturday morning?" he asked and my mode changed immediately

"You were right" I said to him all liveliness dropped from my voice and misery returned

"Right about what?" he asked quickly picking on my mood I guess

"Caroline" I said simply

"Oh not again, what did you do this time, she rejected you again?" I detected amusement in his voice

"No I had her, my biggest mistake." My voice broke I don't know why my emotions are turning me into a knot like someone closed to me just died, yes something in me just died I killed it. I was closed to tears again but quickly stopped myself, men don't cry.

"O my God! Where are you, you sounded like you are about to make more mistake" Mat is right I don't know what I am capable of right now, if I give in to me I will be on my knees, In front of Carolina like right now I feel that weak

"Mat God help me" I said simply

"I asked, where are you?" he questioned

"Three streets away from her house" was my simple answer

"Fine, you know what just drive home I will meet you there"

"Ok" I hang off the call and drove home slowly, blocking all thought except I "need a drink"

Caro POV

Hours later and I am still on the floor where he left me sobbing silently into my pillow, after much crys; I came to some few decisions, I one, am tired of the way I let other people make life changing decisions for me,

two I am tired of been used and dump,

three I am taking myself seriously from this time onward. and again

One; I am taking my life back.

Two; I am ruling my life from now on.

Three; I am done playing cool.

I stood up slowly, walked to where I kept my bag and brought out some aspirin for my headache, with that taken; I made a cup of coffee for myself with the hot water left in my flask, not so hot just the way I like it; then settled back on the floor.

My eyes moved to where the cloth he bought for me is on the floor, I considered tearing it, no burning it, or cutting it to pieces.

I stood up, picked the cloth walked to where I placed my scissors by the window, then sat down to work. My eyes landed on the shoes bag and wig close to and on my DVD respectively, and I told myself no.

"No I won't give you the satisfaction of being broken beyond repair, Nat you are the one broken, keeping what I said for that long, now you got my virginal so what, I will rock this dress, this material things you gave me and I will move on, date other men, get myself a better job and try fall in love again if I see the one that deserved me." It felt good to say that aloud, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I stood up and hanged the cloth with my other cloth, then call Lovett. She picked at the third ring.

"Hello babe" she said answering

"Hi dear today is Saturday what is the plan?" I asked her

"I was just about to call you, I will be over in your house in thirty minutes" she said

"Ok I should just wait then"

"Please do, I need to get you ready; I will bring everything you will need." She hung up before I could tell her I will be needing far less.

l stood up I discovered my headache had gone down to almost slit headache. the drugs and coffee had work. I know I should go take my bath and clean before Lovett comes, but I really do not feel like moving or doing anything thing talk less of going out. all the pep talk I gave myself just now vanished into thin air. I need a motivation to carry on with my resolve. there is one catalyst to this whole resolve and that is the lacy gown

so I look straight at it and how I looked last night, there goes my strength so I picked up my bathing cass and head for the miserable bathroom

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