1 Chapter 1a

Breathe in, out. In, out. 

Maybe this is a bad idea, after all. Maybe I shouldn't say anything, instead, just go to sleep. It can just be my little secret. What's the worst that'll happen? I'll live the rest of my life paranoid of it coming out, no pun intended. Being a coward is better than risking being a reject, disappointment, and let down. 

Then again, there's a chance of fate being in my favor. A small chance. Am I willing to risk it all? No, because I'm too much of a pussy. A pussy that's too focused on others' opinions. A weak minded pussy that dwells upon pleasing every-fucking-body. A pussy that wants nothing more than to fit in. That's all I am. 

I can't do this. I can already envision the looks of disgust I'll receive from strangers. I can only imagine what will happen when I spill what I've been bottling for the past few years. My parents will be so disappointed in me and my friends will never look at me the same way. Everyone at school will mock me. No one will want to hang out with me. I'll die in solitude and loneliness. 

I really should stop being a drama queen, shouldn't I? It's so sad how quick I give in to negative thoughts. I try to stop but just can't help it. 

Breathe in, out. In, out. 

Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts! 

Why is nothing popping in my head? 

I sit with an arched back and bowed head. I grab two fistfuls of hair and wince at how tight I'm pulling them. My hair feels like it's going to fall out but I don't stop because my indecisiveness is driving me insane. 

I get up, this time around, pacing my room and tapping against my thighs. I bring my nails to my mouth, biting on them like my life depends on it.

What should I do? 

I really want to let it all out, but I'm scared. This could result in my parents disowning me if I choose to speak up. Fuck this. I'm saying nothing. I'd rather live in paranoia than face humiliation. 

I go back to sit on the bed and just stare at my closet, no pun intended. I tap my feet on the carpet, simultaneously biting my nails.

"Taehyung!"

My eyes nearly pop out of their sockets at the sound of my mom's voice. Fuck, what do I do? 

"Taehyung!"

Shit. Fuck! This is a great opportunity to talk to her. I hope I can bring myself to make out words.