Explanation

I have been found out. What the hell do I do! I don't know what to say, this is still new even to me, and trying to explain this doesn't seem like an option. GOD DAMNIT. Can I tell him about this, what if he gets the wrong idea? How the hell am I supposed to explain. I can hear the sound of my heart like a drum in my ears. I can't help but think of the outcome of what I have done. The same thoughts from this morning resurface and I can feel an ice-cold bead of sweat roll down my face. I look down at my hands and I see them trembling.

*clap*

My thoughts are interrupted as I feel a hand land on my shoulder with a crisp slap. I look up and see one of my best friends still there next to me but he, he is smiling. "It's okay; we don't have to do this. Let's just go back to the table, we understand" Like a bucket of water, I can feel a wave of clarity wash over me as his voice brings me from the brink of a mental break down. The genuine and soothing acceptance in his voice causes me to truly believe what he just said. I can feel a smile creep onto my face and begin to gather my strength. I stand up and with a somewhat pained expression say, "Yeah"

He also gets up but when after standing says once more, "Whatever you got on your mind man you can tell us. We have your back... Always have." I can feel his voice drop off towards the end of his sentence and pause. Something about the situation brought up the experience earlier this morning and so I turn to him. while trying to hold myself together while enduring the pain I say, "Who was that earlier this morning." He at first seems prepared for something heavy but I notice his expression lighten up and he begins to laugh, "That? He was just someone who sat in my spot so, since I still wanted to sit with you guys, I just sat next to him." The mood in the air lightened up so I walked to the door of the bathroom and threw It open. I nearly bump into a petite figure as I step out and look down to see a startled Liz who begins to stutter out an explanation.

"u-uh I-I wasn't eavesdropping I s-swear!"

Nathan strides over to her and whispers something I couldn't quite hear into her ear. She shows an expression of understanding and says, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't think it was like that." she covers her face but I can see her flush a shade of pink. "It's fine Liz, I don't know what he told you but you don't have to be embarrassed."

Unexpectedly she begins to sob. After a single tear falls to the ground the rest come pouring out, she throws her arms around me, hugging me as if I was going to disappear at any moment. I can barely make out her mumbling something between sobs. "please don't turn to pills, whatever happened in your life can fix it without them so, please," I look over to Nathan and he gives me a look which says, "Don't look at me, I just told her what I knew." I can't be mad at him so I just look back to Liz. I don't know what to do with the crying girl in my arms so I just return the hug and let her cry. After a bit, she pulls herself from my arms and looks up at me.

I look down at her and I see a bright red, tear-stained face filled with an expression of sadness, a pair of perfect green orbs stare directly into mine only to occasionally be obscured by her long fluttering eyelashes. I look her in the eyes and trying to sound as genuine as possible I say to her, "I'm going to be okay; I really cannot say it here but how about you two come over to my house after school today so I can explain fully."

Towards the end of my statement, I glance at Nathan for his agreement as well and notice a look of achievement written all over his face. He notices me looking at him and his previously triumphant look turns into one of understanding. I don't know what the former expression is supposed to mean but I take the latter as a form of affirmation and look back to the girl still standing in front of me. She looks as if she had just been crying but I can see a bit of a smile resting on the corner of her lips.

The three of us look at each other and with a silent exchange begin walking back to our lunch table. The walk back was a silent one, no one wanted to break the ice so we just walked. I walked alongside Nathan while Liz was stuck to me like a scared puppy. I quite enjoyed the atmosphere and after a bit of thinking, I feel like I have had a revelation. It's not that I didn't trust my two best friends but for some odd reason, I feel like a deeper connection has grown between us like I can trust them even more.

I can't quite describe how I am feeling at the moment but I feel like I can truly accept what I am going to tell them later today. After a bit of pondering we finally made it to the table. The period has already ended so I grab the rest of my bagged lunch and stuff it into my bag. I look up and lock eyes with Liz. She diverts her gaze and I follow. With another silent exchange, we both turn around and head to our classes. Looking at the shrinking backs of my friends I recall the days we first met.