17 Lost in love, again

What goes around comes back around.

~anonymous

Hamdan's p.o.v

When sidra left I felt empty inside. She gave me a glimpse of herself but it was vague. I kept wondering if she rejected me or was just feeling too emotional.

I wanted her, no.I needed her more than ever before. I needed desperately to give her a family, siblings and my heart. I yearned to give her the love she didn't get for over ten years after she lost her family. This strangely made me recall Humeyra's word about my decisions being influenced by what she will tell me about her if she ever told me about her family. I suddenly had the urge to find Humeyra, ask for forgiveness from her, marry her and then talk to her about sidra. I know it's weird how much I love them both. Humeyra captured my heart with her boldness, kindness and love while sidra's voice and akhlaq.I which was like a magnet to my heart.

I went to my room to think up a plan on what to do. Life has taught me lessons that I would otherwise never have learnt. It's weird how Allah works His miracles. Once upon a time, I considered someone like Humeyra far beyond my impression of a wife material and now am yearning for the forbidden love she bestowed on me. She steals my sleep and gets my heart beating with just a touch. I recall her smile, her laughter and the sparkles in her eyes every time she feels happy. I remember her every stutter, agile gait and beautiful heart. Now that I think of it, I have never really got the chance to study her mesmerizing eye color as I always lowered my gaze when she was near. However, I didn't miss the dimple in her left cheek. Those were the happy days. For the five years that I have been in the university, I had most fun the last year of my studies with Humeyra by my side. She taught me to appreciate everything that I never took notice of or took for granted. She helped me find beauty in the glow of the orange rising sun and the yellow setting sun. She made me love running my fingers on the morning grass to feel the softness of the blades and the wetness left behind by the dews. She made me realize the miracle of the arts in the night sky which was decorated by different shades of stars, the different shapes of the moon that changes with different phases and the patterns that cannot be retraced on a canvas by any living human. She made me appreciate the smell of wet soil after it rained and she taught me to love feeling the rain on my skin as she danced carelessly in it.She gave me the most beautiful memories yet I took it for granted. I gave her pain as the reward for her beautiful heart. I remember her final words that torment my heart to no end. Her lips, I have tried so hard to forget them but by Allah, I couldn't. Then her tears, I still feel her shaking body against mine whenever I think of my piercing words to her. Now, I know firsthand how it felt to be put down by someone you love. My tears started flowing thinking of Humeyra. My Humeyra. Hahahahaaa. Who am I kidding? I have no right to claim her. I lost that chance the day, I shattered her heart, pride and self-respect .Humeyra, my beloved Humeyra. I will look for you in every corner of the world .I miss you so much Humeyra. I failed to see your innocence because I was too proud to see what was in front of my eyes. Humeyra, please Allah keep her alive for me. My heart was aching so much thinking of her. Though I think love sidra, I would choose Humeyra over her any day. As much as I felt protective of sidra, what I felt for Humeyra was so pure it beat any thing I felt for sidra hands down. For Humeyra, I learnt to embrace all her ices which she neither concealed nor denied. I fell for her boldness. I fell for her randomness ad sweetness. I fell for her romantic soul. I fell for her crazy and naughty sense of humor. I fell for her ability to make me want to abandon the world for her. I fell for her presence that made me forget my soul every time I steal a glance her way. But what I loved most about her was her kindness. She put everyone else's needs above her own even if she would get hurt in the process something which I also resented because whenever she was hurt , I felt more hurt but that is a story for another day. So if Humeyra doesn't want a co-wife, Humeyra's wish would be granted. I also realized that I know very little about my Hayati. Though I was her friend for almost a year, we never discussed any personal details because whenever I tried asking about her family, it seems to ruin Humeyra's moods hence I tried as much as possible not to ask about anything that would make Humeyra unhappy. That was quite stupid of me, as I now realize because I didn't even know whom to look for or where to look for. We always debated on different topics including marriage, work, talaq, life, akherah, Ibadah among others. In every discussion she was always well informed and had dhalil (evidence) from the noble Quran, hadith and Sunnah. I just realized that she was not as illiterate as I thought on religious matter. How stupid was I not to realize that much? Ya Allah forgive me for my pride and arrogance that blinded me. Amiin.I can't help but wonder though, who is more beautiful, Humeyra or Sidra? With this though in mind, I drifted off to sleep.

What do you think about Hamdan's thoughts?