10 His regret

You never know how much someone meant to you until you lose them.

~ Anonymous

HAMDAN'S P.O.V

As I was waiting for Humeyra in the presidential suite, I kept wondering how an 18-year-old could afford such a room. I was contemplating on different scenarios when Humeyra entered the room. Maa sha Allah. She looked particularly breathtaking in her plain abaya and black jalabib which hide her petite figure quite well. Why am I noticing that right now? Astaghfirullah. Lower your gaze man. I looked at her from the corner of my eyes and realized that she was seated rather awkwardly so I initiated the salaam which she shyly replied to. I was shocked for a moment when she was standing less than an inch from me that lowering my gaze was no longer an option. When she confessed her feelings for me, I felt like my heart would fly away something I didn't anticipate. Three words. Three words made my heart beat faster .Three words made my legs shake. Three words made my head spin. Three words. I love you. Her confession made me feel proud inside, it made me feel like I have conquered a nation which inflated my ego and made me feel as if I was above her hence I broke her vulnerable heart even more by degrading her through my harsh words. Knowing how bold she was I expected her to yell or even slap me but the reaction I got made me feel like I've been punched in the gut. She was crying immensely heartbroken because of my hurtful words to her. She sat down once more and cried so hard I was shaken to the core by the amount of pain her sobs portrayed. I couldn't stand it for long so when I decided to bring her back, she asked me for the weirdest request which I had no heart to deny.

When I told her that I trusted her, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I never expected to be tied down but I was not scared of her since she tied my hands loosely such that I could easily free them. She also blindfolded me and I was suddenly scared. What she did next took my breath away. She kissed me with so much love held me with so much care and cried with so much pain that made my eyes flood with tears too. Her last words to me hit something so hard in me, I felt like the air has been suck from my lungs. Her words broke my protective shield and my heart was like pieces of broken mirror. Not entirely clear in the image it gives and neither was it completely useless.

I love you habibi. I will always love you. No one can ever love you as much as I do. I will miss you ya ayouni. Don't forget me please hubbi. You said I don't deserve you? I hope one day you will realize your mistake. You have my heart. You took it and am left with none while you have two. Please take care of my heart for it forever belongs to you." these words were stuck in my head and now the pain I felt in my chest didn't help either. That night I took a flight home back to my mother's mansion. It was a long flight of eight hours. I couldn't get the image of Humeyra's tears out of my head. I felt so ashamed and regretful for letting shaytwaan get to me. I felt bad for being too proud of the neema Allah has granted me. My head was in jumbles and my heart in turmoil. I sort refuge in Allah and decided to repent for all my sins.

When the plane touched solid ground, I was embraced by my Abu. I held him so tight that he felt how much troubled I was. I arrived home and for the first time in many years I cried on my mother's lap. Later on I told my parent about what I did and they both expressed their disappointed in me. They, however didn't give up on me. She advised me to repent and to call and apologize to Humeyra for my harsh words. Later on, after bonding with my Rabbi, I decided to call Humeyra's phone dreading the outcome but she never picked my calls. I called her friend Aisha after getting her number from the Islamic What Sapp group. What I heard broke my heart and intensified my guilt ten folds. I never knew that Humeyra was ill. I never knew that she acted bold to cover for her physical weakness. I never knew that I loved her until that moment when Aisha told me that her friend went for surgery overseas and doesn't know the specific place. I hang up and recalled Humeyra's question on if I would miss her if she dies. At that very instant my floodgates opened and I regretted ever belittling my brave Humii. Don't leave me Humeyra. Please don't leave me. Ya malikul mulk please give me a chance to redeem my mistakes and ask for forgiveness, please ya Rabb. I never cried that much in my life as I did at that very moment.

REPENTANCE IN ISLAM

Praise be to Allah.

A Muslim's faith may become weak and he may be overwhelmed by his desires. The Shaytwaan may make sin attractive to him, so he wrongs himself (commits sin) and falls into that which Allah has forbidden. But Allah is Kind to His slaves, and His mercy encompasses all things. Whoever repents after doing wrong, Allah will accept his repentance, for Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.

"But whosoever repents after his crime and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allah), then verily, Allah will pardon him (accept his repentance). Verily, Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful [al-Maa'idah 5:39 – interpretation of the meaning]

Allah is Forgiving and Generous. He commands all His slaves to repent sincerely so that they may gain the mercy of Allah and His Paradise. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"O you who believe! Turn to Allah with sincere repentance! It may be that your Lord will expiate from you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow (Paradise)" [al-Tahreem 66:8]

The gate of repentance is open to His slaves, until the sun rises from the west. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "Allah spreads out His Hand at night to accept the repentance of those who did wrong during the day, and He spreads out His Hand during the day to accept the repentance of those who did wrong during the night. (This will continue) until the sun rises from the west." (Narrated by Muslim, no. 2759)

Sincere repentance is not merely the matter of words spoken on the tongue. Rather, the acceptance of repentance is subject to the condition that the person gives up the sin straight away, that he regrets what has happened in the past, that he resolves not to go back to the thing he has repented from, that he restores people's rights or property if his sin involved wrongdoing towards others, and that he repents before the agony of death is upon him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Allaah accepts only the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and foolishness and repent soon afterwards; it is they whom Allaah will forgive and Allaah is Ever All-Knower, All-Wise.

And of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil deeds until death faces one of them and he says: 'Now I repent;' nor of those who die while they are disbelievers. For them We have prepared a painful torment" [al-Nisaa' 4:17-18]

Allaah accepts repentance and is Merciful. He calls sinners to repent, so that He might forgive them:

"…your Lord has written (prescribed) Mercy for Himself, so that if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allaah), then surely, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful" [al-An'aam 6:54 – interpretation of the meaning]

Allaah is Kind to His slaves and loves those who repent. He accepts their repentance, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"And He it is Who accepts repentance from His slaves, and forgives sins, and He knows what you do"[al-Shooraa 42:25]

"Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves"[al-Baqarah 2:222]

When a kaafir becomes a Muslim, Allaah turns his bad deeds (sayi'aat) into good deeds (hasanaat), and forgives him all his previous sins, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief), their past will be forgiven" [al-Anfaal 8:38]

Allaah is Forgiving and Merciful, and He loves the repentance of His slaves. He commands them to repent so that He might forgive them. But the devils among mankind and the jinn want to turn people away from the truth and make them incline towards falsehood, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Allaah wishes to accept your repentance, but those who follow their lusts, wish that you (believers) should deviate tremendously away (from the Right Path) [al-Nisaa'4:27]

The mercy of Allaah encompasses all things. If a person's sins are very great and he has wronged himself very much, but he then repents, Allaah will accept his repentance and will forgive his sins no matter how great they are. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Say: O 'Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful"[al-Zumar 39:53]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Our Lord comes down to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains, and says, 'Who will call upon Me so that I may answer him? Who will ask Me so that I may give to him? Who will seek My forgiveness so that I may forgive him?'" (Narrated by Muslim, no. 758)

Man is weak. If a person sins then he has to repent and seek forgiveness every time. Allaah is Forgiving and Merciful, and He is the One Who says (interpretation of the meaning):

"And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allaah's forgiveness, he will find Allaah Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful" [al-Nisaa' 4:110]

The Muslim is vulnerable to making mistakes and sins. So he has to repent and seek forgiveness repeatedly. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "By Allaah, I seek the forgiveness of Allaah and I turn to Him in repentance more than seventy times each day." (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, no. 6307)

Allaah loves the repentance of His slaves, and accept it. Indeed, He rejoices over it, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "When a person repents, Allaah rejoices more than one of you who found his camel after he lost it in the desert." (Agreed upon. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, no. 6309)