34 A Loss

Emily felt stupider than she ever had in her whole life. She scared RoboCat off by wanting to know who he was. She tried messaging him a couple times, asking if they could talk, but never heard back. It had been four days.

Feeling too down about the mess she had made, she hadn't even bothered with the Brandon problem yet. Breaking up was definitely the right choice but she wasn't sure how to go about it.

The two of them were sitting in the cafeteria as Brandon worked on job applications when she finally couldn't take it anymore. "Brandon, what do you like about me?"

He didn't even look up. "What do you mean?"

"I want to know why you want me as your girlfriend."

He hesitated a moment. "Well, you're pretty and interesting to talk to."

"But we don't talk anymore. What's the point of being interesting to talk to if we don't talk?" Emily asked, looking out across the cafeteria to avoid his eyes. "I used to like talking to you too but that hasn't happened in a long time. I don't even remember the last time we went on a date that didn't involve hanging around on campus."

"You know I've been busy, Emily," Brandon said flatly. "We can do whatever you want over Thanksgiving break."

"You'll be busy over Thanksgiving break too," she reminded him. "You already told me you'll have essays to grade over that weekend. We were supposed to host Thanksgiving with all of your friends here but you'll probably be thinking about essays and applications then too instead of being able to relax and have fun."

Anger tinted his tone as he finally shut his laptop to focus on her. "Are you calling me uptight?"

"I'm saying you don't know how to prioritize. Yes, Brandon, your future is important but if you want me to be a part of that future I have to be important too. So do you?"

"I…hadn't really thought that far," he admitted. "Why can't we just take things as we go?"

Emily sighed and rubbed her forehead. A headache was starting to brew.

"That's exactly what we have been doing and it isn't working. So tell me, Brandon. Do you want me in your life or not? Because I'm getting the vibe that it doesn't really matter to you one way or the other.

"I don't want to be with someone because it's convenient or they're used to it. I want to be with someone who makes me happy, enjoys being with me, and actually makes an effort even when he's busy with his own life. Are you capable of that?"

Brandon frowned and looked like he was trying to think of something to say but he still hadn't spoken several minutes later. Emily looked down, disappointed that things had come this far just to fizzle out in such a dull way.

"That's what I thought. I think it's better than we focus on our own lives, Brandon. Since we aren't focusing on being a couple. We had some fun in the past so I can't call our time together a complete waste. It was nice knowing you. Goodbye."

As Emily walked away she felt nothing. Not sadness. Not relief. She felt nothing because, in the end, that was what their relationship amounted to.

She messaged RoboCat. 'Just to let you know, I did break up with my boyfriend. I wanted something different. Something fun but meaningful, like what we had. I'm sorry I put my own unfair expectations on you'

She closed Blogr and sighed. Now what? She didn't want to go to the rest of her classes so she texted Justin to let him know that she didn't need a ride later and took the bus home.

She called in sick to work and sat on the stairs in front of her apartment for an indeterminate amount of time. A cold November wind blew and she shivered.

"Emily! What are you doing out here, it's freezing!"

She looked up and saw Justin in a coat and scarf standing above her. A coat. That's right, she wasn't wearing one. No wonder she was cold.

"I couldn't muster the energy to go into my apartment," she said truthfully.

Emily knew Amy would want to know what happened and she couldn't bear to hash it out with a nosy but well-meaning girl right now. Girls wanted details. She didn't think she could give details without breaking down about RoboCat.

"Come on, let's warm you up," Justin said gently as he helped pull her to her feet.

He led her up the stairs to his empty apartment. He sat her down on the couch and wrapped her in a throw blanket like she was a doll. She felt about as lifeless as one.

"Do you want hot chocolate? I don't think we have marshmallows but there's whipped cream in a can somewhere in the fridge," he continued as she heard shuffling noises from the kitchen.

"Sure," she said faintly.

A few minutes later he came out with two mugs—including the one she got him for Christmas the year before. She almost smiled when he handed that one to her and sprayed on a generous dollop of whipped cream.

"Thanks."

They sat in companionable silence for a while as the hot chocolate cooled before Emily spoke up. "Why didn't you ask me why I was sitting in the cold by myself?"

Justin looked down at his mug. "I figured something upset you and if you wanted to talk about it you would. It's none of my business. I just didn't want you to keep sitting out there and get sick."

His understanding of what she needed, on top of his kindness by bringing her up here, finally pushed her to the edge. Her eyes watered until the tears started to spill over her cheeks.

Startled, he put down his drink and knelt down in front of her. "Hey! Are you okay? Don't cry, you'll be alright…"

Looking at his earnest, concerned face peering up at her, the tears rolled faster and she let out a small hysterical laugh. "Will I?"

Everything had fallen apart. She didn't even care about Brandon. She cared that because of Brandon and her own stupid feelings, she had ruined the one stable relationship she ever had with another human being.

She abandoned her drink and buried her face in her hands as she sobbed. Justin hesitated a moment before patting her shoulder gently.

It was obvious he had never comforted a crying girl before but Emily didn't care about that. Someone cared how she felt and was trying to make her feel better. In that moment the simple action meant more to her than she could say.

When she finally calmed down enough to speak she hiccupped and said, "I broke up with Brandon."

Justin's face sank. "He must have meant a lot to you. I'm sorry."

She wiped her eyes and shook her head. He misunderstood. Looking back, she wasn't sure she ever loved Brandon. She had been riding the high from fun flirting up until the fun part stopped.

"I'm not upset about that. It's kind of related to that but I'm really crying because I lost my closest friend by being stupid and selfish."

"Your…closest friend?" he asked in a somewhat choked voice.

"Yeah," Emily said, sighing heavily. "My online best friend."