1 Julie

*TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide Content, Depression

Do you find it weird if I told you that I can't die?

Do you find it amusing if I told you that even if I jump from the tallest building,I can still stand without any fractures or worse,I can' t even cross path with death?

Of course,it will be hard for you to accept that I'm 'that' kind of person especially when I tell you that I've lived in this world for more than hundreds of years. I do not age, I do not experience being in between life and death. You may think that I'm the luckiest person because I don't even feel hunger.

And when you think that my life is the life you are dreaming, I curse your life into bits.

This life is a nightmare.

You lost your friend,you lost your family,and you lost the one you really loved the most.And what will they give you back?

A medal? Plenty of golds?

I think not.

I wanted to die that night when I lost everything.I wanted to vanish,I wanted the pain to disappear and look at what they gave me.

An eternal life.

Like they want to say straight up to my face that 'Hey,look.Everyone will leave you but you will just watch.'

Curse this life...

And curse this girl who only wants is to see me smile.

I know she will leave me if I stay with her longer.And to summarize all these sh*ts...

I will watch her die.

We will not be together at the end.

"Hey,Jayden!"she flashes her smile again.I remained on my seat and took away my glance at her.

I didn’t have the time to talk to her silliness but she’s so stubborn.

Instead of leaving me alone, she just sits there, beside me.

"Aren't you afraid? You always sit at that edge."I can tell that she worries about me. I can already tell by those eyes of hers that even if she averts her gaze, you can easily tell what she is thinking.

"You just say that I always sit on this edge so that means I got used to it.And I've told you,I will not die.I can't die."I told her without a glint of emotion and continued what I’m writing. If she wants to keep talking then fine, let her talk.

"Okay,okay.But aren't you cold?The breeze is like an ice! I know you’re cold but it doesn’t matter to you as long as you’ll not die."I shot a glance at her and I saw her having her hands on her waist,like a mother scolding her child.

Finally,I stepped down from the edge and walked towards her.

"You're so noisy,one more word and you will be flying back to where you came from."I tried my best to put much coldness on my voice but it didn’t even flinch her.

Damn,this girl.

I wanted to tell her how awesome she is before I left.

I wanted to tell her how scared I am when the thought of leaving her crosses my mind.

This is not expected but I loved her... no..

I love her.

She is my starting point and will be my finish line.

_____Julie_____

"MOM,I'm sorry.We need to wrap up something earlier. Did you wait for me? I'm sorry but I'm here now."I looked at my mother who was looking at me but it felt nothing. She seems to be seeing something we can’t see. I don’t know, maybe she just sees me but doesn't recognize me as her daughter.

But this scene is not new to me.

It's been a year since we knew that she's been suffering from dementia.She forgot some things even after she woke up. Her condition is rare that many doctors are so eager to take her as a patient and run some unknown tests to her.

A few months ago, she doesn't even know me and my brother as well. My brother rarely comes home, I don’t know where he is or if he is still alive but all I know is that he can’t handle the situation we’re in right now.He used to take care of mom when I’m still studying but right after I graduated college, he just left and leave me to take care of this family.

My father died when I was 16 years old and until now,we still haven't recovered yet. We still need someone to help us stand and build our lives especially when all the odds are not in our favor right now.

My life is a mess after he died just as the great Julie Santiago vanished into thin air!

I looked at my mom who was playing with the strands of her hair until I heard someone come into the room. An old woman smiled at me. Her hair was already white and is visible even if she tied it up. She is the only one left after I let go of my other maids because I can’t afford to pay them. Back then, I was trying to convince her to go home and meet her children but she insisted that the one who needs her right now is me. I don’t have anything to give her but she stayed with me and my mom, she still has strength despite her age and I’m very thankful that she is taking care of my mother when I go to work.

“Aunt Tessie,I’ll leave mom to you.I have something to do this afternoon, I’m not sure if I can make it tonight,”I paused for a moment when I realized that I’ve been telling her the same words for months now and she is the only one who knows what to do. “I know Avery will not come home anytime soon but just in case, tell him to talk to mom."I smiled when she nodded.

"Yes, I’ll tell him, Julie."

I didn’t have the words to express how thankful I am that she stayed. My mom is not well and everytime that problems pour on my life, Aunt Tessie is the one who stayed beside me and she became my mother in those tough times. She is not related to me by blood but she acts like one.

I’m on the verge of crying and before I could finally cry, she embraced me. Patting my shoulder from behind.

"Take some rest Julie, everything will be fine."That line is so cliche’ but it is the best word you need to hear when all you ever think of is to give up.

Ten years ago, I was so happy with all the things I had.

Both of my parents, my brother who did nothing but study, the people who adore me,my friends who always make me laugh,the endless parties and night-outs...

I didn't appreciate those things by that time.

It's funny that you will regret not savoring your sweet moments at the end.Instead of reminiscing about the good times, sacrifices and pain will be the only thing you'll look back to.

Actually,I lost my job today. I don’t have anyone to tell what happened today, not even Aunt Tessie. I don’t want to hear any sympathetic words of comfort from them, it’ll just make me feel worse.

I lied when I told I had something to do. I have nothing to do now, except for one thing.

I really love being the lead of sales of our company but I wanted to get out of that hell. I've been experiencing several sexual assaults from my boss and I don't know anyone I can talk to. I can’t report it to the police because who knows what might happen? I have debt on my boss and he just can pay a fine to get out of jail or worse, harm me in the least expected time.

I have no chance of winning when I mess with a powerful man.That's when I decided to quit my job.I was not the one who is wrong here but why do I have to suffer?

First, my father. Then my mom, my brother and now me? How can a person live up like this?

I wiped my tears and came for the drawer.

I tried to find a rope.Longer as much as possible.This is no longer baggage, what I’m lifting is a whole world that will be destroyed when I lose my composure. My brother left me and I don’t know where he is.

Many guys look for him, he also left his debts to me and I don’t want to think of the possible things they can do to me or to my mom when I didn’t pay for it so half of my salary goes to medicines and the other half is to pay for his debts.

It feels like there's no escape,there is so much burden inside me and it doesn't come out at all,it always stays here.

I continued looking for the rope.Fortunately,I remembered keeping it the time my dad died.I planned to kill myself that time but my brother saw me before I could do my plan.

Yeah,that's how fate plays with me.

And now,I will finish what I've started.

I step onto the stool,I reach for the knotted rope as I place my head into it. I can still feel my tears rushing through my cheeks but my mind was clouded by pain and other emotions that only make me vulnerable.

I hope you'll forgive me,mom.I just want to rest now so bad.

I almost killed you last night----no,I tried to kill you. I'm not brave as you are who still keep on living,nor cowardly as my brother who left me with all these responsibilities...so where am I supposed to go?Where am I supposed to fit in?

I gathered all my strength to push the stool using my right foot but I stood there frozen.I want to push it so badly but all that I can only do is to cry and bury my face on my palms. My knees went numb, making me sit and let go of the rope.

I can’t do it… I don’t want to do it...

I cried more when I thought that nothing can make me escape from this. I feel like crying became my routine since this is the only thing to suppress the pain just for a few minutes.

I stood up and went to my mother’s room.

And there she is, she’s sleeping like a child who only dreams of a colorful palace. I don’t know if Aunt Tessie already gave my mother’s medicine but I bet she already did since my mother is calm and comfortable right now. I wish I could see how beautiful her dreams are right now.

"It must be nice to rest and sleep well, mom. I hope I can have some of that too."I whispered, afraid I might wake her up. I put the blanket on her until the blanket covered her shoulders.

And now, my eyes are starting to well up tears again. Despite the blanket covering her body, a large bump on her belly is still visible.

And to tell you what,

Mom is pregnant for 7 months.

Funny,right? My dad died 10 years ago but then mom bears a child now.

But the answer is dreadful...

...she was raped.

She already has dementia by that time. I was not at home when that happened because of the emergency meeting I attended. Aunt Tessie also bought in the market after making sure that my mom can’t leave the house. But unfortunately, some saw her leaving the house by herself.

When I went home, there were people crowded outside the house. Later, I saw my mom after being taken home by some of our neighbors who saw her at the farm. My mother was quiet for weeks until someone surrendered himself onto the police, admitting that he raped my mother.

I was furious back then. I wanted to do everything to kill that man but nothing will change. It was already done. My mother’s life was ruined.

Three weeks have passed before I bring my mom to the doctor, it was hard for me because all I know is that she’s not feeling well, she never talks about anything. Then it broke my whole miserable world when she was said to be pregnant.

I didn’t accept it at first. I was eager to kill that bastard and no one was there to share the same anger as mine.I can bear the gossips, I can bear all those f*cking words they'll throw to me. But my mother? She can't even fight on her own. She can't say what she wanted to say.

And now I think of it.

I can’t kill myself because I really don’t want to. After all the things I’ve been through, I still keep going. But this time, I don’t know if I can hold any longer if something really bad happens. I looked at mom then smiled for some unknown reason.

I have to protect this woman and the child inside her womb.