1 Chapter 1: The truth

I have been stressing about my results for the whole of December. Now that the time to receive my grade 12 results is here, I want to go back in time and enjoy the last weeks I had in Pretoria.

I am very stressed about my marks because they have to be good. I told my parents I got accepted at Stellenbosch university to study medicine but I got enrolled there to study media. I want to tell them the truth but my family has never understood my love for art.

I have been keeping my work a secret for a very long time and now finally I am going to be able to paint, rap and design clothes without waiting for everyone to leave the house. I am going to have all the freedom in the world and I am so glad I am going to be starting afresh soon.

My high school did not turn out the way I thought it would but it was very fun! I got into trouble at school and home. I experienced my first heartbreak and I lost friends I thought I was going places with. Now I am left with my bestfriend but she is leaving the country to go study in Paris. I am very excited for her and we promised to both start saving so that I can go visit her once she is familiar with the place.

"Haya! come see your results!" my mother and father yelled out my name with excitement. I quickly got up and left my diary open on my bed.

"What?! Mom, Dad, let me see." I looked at the laptop screen for awhile, I jumped up and down when I saw that I passed all my subjects well. I do not believe that these are my results but I am so glad, now my parents will not be on my case that much. I just have to send my results to the university then I will be officially enrolled to study there.

"Mom!, Dad!, look?" I turn to look at both my parents but my mom was nowhere to be found. I immediately remembered that I left my diary wide open on my bed.

"Dad where did mom go?!" I immediately stood up and ran to my room. I found my mom holding up my diary and reading it.

I felt like my life was slipping away, my mom holding up my diary and reading it made me realize how much my parents do not know about me. I am an only child, I have got into trouble here and there but I have never been a problematic child. My diary has the whole truth about who I used to be, who I am, how I feel, and who I want to be. My parents do not know anything about who Haya is.

"Haya Hazim! what is this?" my mom looked at me then suddenly my father appeared.

"What is going on? Let me see that book." my dad said extending his hand to grab the diary from my mom.

"Haya! what is this I am reading about you not enrolled at Stellenbosch to study medicine instead you are enrolled there to study media?! what is wrong with you Haya? I thought your mom and I spoke to you about how everything is going to turn out for you, what is this whole thing about now? you are getting on my last nerves!" my father said everything in a very loud tone at the same time.

My mind is clouded all I can think about is telling him how I am tired of always living my life the way they have planned it for me! how I also want to make mistakes and find my way out in this crazy world. I know my parents want what is best for me but sometimes what they think is best for me is not actually what is best for me. I am exhausted from being pinned down by the same people who claim they care about me.

"Father, whatever is written there is true. I am tired of living my life the way you want me to live, when am I going to go out there and experience things on my own? You choose everything for me and this time I am not going to let you make decisions for me. I know it is your way or the high way but this is my home and I am not going anywhere." I said trying my best to be respectful and calm while explaining things to my father.

I looked at my father, he just nodded his head and left the room. I do not know how to feel, I feel like my support system is now gone. A part of me wants to run after my dad and apologize but a huge part of me wants to let him be.

"Haya, I think the time has come for me to tell you this story." my mom closed my diary and put it on my bed. She sat down and then asked me to sit next to her on the bed.

"Many years ago, when I met your father. He was a very different man from who he is now. Your father was a huge believer in all the things that make the world a beautiful place. He loved observing his surroundings and thought there was a story behind every single little thing. He was very adventurous and his imagination ran wild. He was a free spirit. Haya your dad loved music, your father wanted to become an artist. His soul was filled with melodies and summaries of the great treasures he was offering to the world but the place he grew up in made him who he is today. He was surrounded by small-minded people every day, it became very difficult for him to stay motivated. Every time he would tell his friends about his work, they would laugh at him and say someone like him can't make it big. The mindset got instilled in his mind, heart, and soul. He stopped living and did what everyone expected him to do. He went to school, studied law, and became a lawyer just so he could support his family. It still hurts me because I miss the old him, I get to see parts of who he is since I spend a lot of time with him but as soon as he shows any kind of emotion, he makes sure it goes away right that instant." my mom said with tears dripping down her cheeks.

I did not believe anything I was hearing, now I understand where I get my talent from. It has been my father for all this time but I did not know. My heart is very heavy because I have been feeling like an outcast in a place where I have so much in common with someone. I wish my dad taught me all about music at a young age because I do feel like something is missing. Inspiration.

"Mom, why did you not tell me this? For all this time? why did you wait?" I asked in a very defeated tone, wishing I could go back in time just to spend time with my dad.

"You did not show any interest in Art, well I saw signs but you did not show. I thought maybe it was something you were going to get over and done with." my mom replied wiping off her tears.

"No mother, it was not a stage. I love what I do, I have been hiding it from you guys. I do not like science at all, I only wanted to study it because I knew it was going to make father happy." I replied.