Cothurnal

By the time people started trickling into the cafeteria, Blair had fallen asleep at the table. She didn't realize she was that tired, but she blamed the late night and the tea and tried to keep anything else out of her mind.

The mug in front of her was empty and cold, and the smell of breakfast filled the hall. It was a familiar smell, but it wasn't very appetizing to her at that moment. She sat up and stretched, grateful that she somehow wasn't sore from sleeping sitting down.

"Hey Blair, how are you feeling!?" McReady hollered all the way from the entrance airlock. Blair responded with a "so-so" hand motion. She didn't remember when McReady had left, but the lieutenant returned with some people in tow. Her little mental health robot, affectionately named "Jellybean" padded behind the Lieutenant along with Captain Garry. The captain approached her first.

"Lt. McReady told me you overworked yourself last night." He had a look like he was disciplining an irresponsible child, and Blair would've been mad if it weren't for how mentally exhausted she was. She just nodded before he continued. "Take today off. Get some rest. If you need more time than that, feel free to take it. I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but you need to take care of yourself."

Blair nodded. Satisfied that she was properly chastised, Captain Garry left to grab breakfast. As the team's biologist, Bair's job was one of the most important for searching for a way to terraform the planet. It was precisely that reason that led her to spend many long hours focused on her work, and she supposed her colleagues were right for treating her like a bomb waiting to go off. Burnout from work stress was a great excuse to get some time to herself today. If she had to go back to work after everything that happened today, she might just go off the deep end.

McReady approached her next and gently pushed the small robot closer to Blair. "Will you look after Jellybean for me today? He's very low maintenance, I promise. I just thought you might want some company."

Blair looked down at Jellybean. He was only about three feet tall and looked almost like a child wearing a black space suit. His LCD screen face flashed with a cartoony image of happy eyes and he chirped. Blair didn't really understand McReady's infatuation with the robot but agreed to let him follow her around for the day. She hesitantly patted him on the head and thanked McReady.

"Also, no need to worry about the mess in your lab. I already took care of it for you."

"Already?" Blair thought blood was ridiculously hard to clean up, although she had never really tested that with alien blood. Plus, there was a lot of it.

"Ah, well," McReady scratched the side of her neck and waffled with her words for a second. "I mean, it left quite a lot of stains, and it will probably smell like bleach for a while… but it's definitely sterile!"

"Oh. Uhh, thanks." It's not like she was going to be in her lab for a while, so the smell would probably clear out before she had to worry about it.

Blair heard the swish of the airlock again and she saw a flash of a cherry red suit out of the corner of her eye. McReady turned around and grinned.

"Yo Barclay, you owe me 500 dollars!" Her eyes were glittering with mirth. Blair didn't think the bet would be that large, it seemed like a bit much. Then again, considering that McReady was the closest thing to a friend Blair had after a month on this mission, it wasn't unreasonable for him to be so confident.

"What? Since when!?" Barclay gaped, then looked between McReady and Blair. McReady's victorious grin grew. "Wait, no way. You couldn't have."

"Blair, mind helping me out with Barclay?"

"Does the fact that I'm watching your kid count?" Blair put her hands under Jellybean's arms and hefted him up onto the seat next to her. She was going to give him a piggyback just to ham it up, but the robot was a lot heavier than he looked. Barclay choked on air, and she took that as a yes.

While McReady went after her earnings, Blair contemplated whether she should stay for breakfast or head back to her room right that moment. Normally, she would be happy with anything that Kinner made. She was a master chef who could make the very limited ingredients on hand in space taste amazing. Unfortunately, Blair had a theory about her new dietary needs, and she was pretty sure the diet of packaged foods and greenhouse plants wouldn't fulfill them. In the end, she decided to head back. She wasn't hungry anyway, and she was too worn out to tolerate the entire crew at once.

She waved a quick goodbye to McReady, and McReady smiled and waved in return. Blair turned and left, Jellybean's small metal feet padding along behind her. His presence was surprisingly comforting despite the fact she knew the bot couldn't talk, and she started to understand why McReady had commissioned the thing.

The barracks were only a few minutes east of the cafeteria, and before long she found herself in front of her door. She tapped the lock on the door and put in her password. As the door swished open, she ushered Jellybean inside before her. He seemed a bit hesitant to enter an unfamiliar room, but after some prodding, he went in and plopped himself on the chair by the desk. On autopilot, Blair went to her closet to grab something comfortable to change into for the rest of the day. She stopped with her hands on her favorite hoodie.

She couldn't wear it.

She couldn't wear it because her suit wouldn't come off. Because her suit was a part of her now.

Her breath hitched in her throat. She had held herself together outside, but in the safety of her room, it was suddenly too much. She wasn't human anymore. Everything she had been was fake now, completely alien with just the appearance of normalcy. She didn't even know if her memories were truly hers or if she was just a creature who thought she was Aliyah Blair.

She pulled the hoodie to the ground as she collapsed and started to sob. The ugly kind where she could barely breathe and it was so hard to keep silent and it felt like someone dropped a ball of ice into her chest-

Something cold bumped into her side. She turned to see Jellybean offering her a hug. He gave a sad chirp as she met his eyes.

She held him close and cried.