27 Oleander

The day had been exhausting even after sleeping nearly the whole day. As I left the hospital, I was in desperate need of a shower and a good meal. Adonis hadn't returned after we argued, though I didn't expect to see him tonight. I sighed, his tantrums always made me feel so confused. Since he left without a word, I didn't have a ride home. I didn't have anyone else to call and even if I did I wanted to see Adonis again. My heart felt twisted in my chest. Our relationship is too complicated. Boss, friend, unrequited love, these words defined him. Not to mention our parents' relationship. I'm held my head and sighed audibly. If I pushed at this friendship and declared my somewhat uncertain feelings, I could lose everything. I didn't want to lose my only friend over some feelings. Truly I needed my mom. I needed to talk about how I felt, maybe she could tell me what to do. I walked quietly to the bus stop while processing my thoughts. Realization dawned on me, she had no idea what happened. Quickly I pulled my phone out. I received several calls throughout the day but none were from her. While I was asleep Randy called and texted at least thirty times. He was relieved after I let him know I was fine and even reminded me to call my mom. I totally forgot once my discharge was complete. Ugh I'm so careless, I thought, hopefully I can get ahold of her. The phone rang once and then their was the audible sound of people in the background.

"Hello, Aurora?" She sounded worried. The noise around her made her speak a little loudly. I imagined she was at some kind of party, though there wasn't music.

"Mom," my voice shook, "Something happened, the house-." Tears welled in my eyes. My voice silenced by the swelling knot in my throat.

"I know, baby, Adonis called. He said you got hurt," her voice strained with sadness, "We are in the airport. Tom and I are flying home a few day early. I want to take care of you." I could hear the tears in her eyes.

"Mama, I want you to come live with me until we get the house fixed up. We can get it good as new. We can make it just like Dad had it." I cried because for the memories now ashen and burnt left in that house.

"Honey, your father is not there anymore. He left that house I long time ago. Besides I want to move on, though I will always love your dad, it's time I let go of it. We will fix it up but I want to sell it when it's done." She sounded confident. I knew she felt that way for some time. I guess I wasn't ready to hear it, my knees felt weak.

"I know he is gone. I've been painfully aware. I just don't think I'm ready for it to be gone."

"You know, it's possible the house isn't even work fixing. We don't know how bad the damage is until we get a professional. We can talk more when I get back. I have to go. I love you." She hung up. I heard her flight being called in the background just as she did. My legs felt like jello again. I wobbled closer to the bus stop. It wasn't far now, only a few feet. The sun was beginning to set as I reached the bench and awning. I sat, my pants felt stiff from sweat and soot. Adonis left before bringing me a change of clothes so I was stuck in the same shirt and pants from the fire. I felt sticky all over my body. I could smell the fire on me still, despite the best effort the nurses put in to wipe me down. I looked at at the time on my phone. It was just about eight. The bus would be here at 8:05 so I had a few minutes to wait. I watched the cars pass in the cool night air. They were illuminated as they entered a semi-circle of light that surrounded me. When I stared so hard that my vision blurred I closed my eyes. My emotions weighed heavily on my shoulders as tears streamed once again. Softly I cried in a public place. Nobody will save me. I need to pick myself up. I put my head back in attempt to dry out my tear ducts. Since the day began I had no opportunity to process my emotions. I could only deal to deal with what was external. My moment of sorrow passed and the 8:05 bus arrived I boarded it quickly.

The drive was only twenty minutes but it felt like a life time. The walk from the bus stop to my home felt just as empty. I missed the days I used to run suddenly. I hadn't been out for a decent work out since I was attacked. Self defense classes with Adonis didn't give me the thrill a good run did. It felt like I would never be normal again. My entire life was shaken after Adonis came into my life. My heart...it was all confused. Maybe if I switch shifts, I can sort my feelings out. Adonis is always next to me. How can I know? I reached the steps of my door without knowing how I got there. Lit by moonlight I could see a large vase of flowers sitting in front of my threshold. They were beautiful. Red begonia, yellow hyacinth, and what looked like yellow carnation tipped with red along the ridges. The arrangement smelled amazing. I looked for a note but their was none. Maybe it was an apology from Adonis, some flowers have meanings. These ones were not those of romance so I bet they would mean apology. I remembered all the times my dad spent gardening with me. He often planted begonia and heather together. He said it was meant to keep bad luck and bad feelings away. When he and my mom were dating he worked for a florist and became well adept at flower language. While we gardened he often explain flower meanings. It was a good memory brought to me by this bouquet. I would have to thank him later. I unlocked my door and took the heavy arrangement in.