Wearing A Frown

"Rose?!" Valerie calls my name as my fake expression quickly falls as I hear those words come out of phone and I hang up with blank eyes. "I need to go" I tell her as she laughs, "This better not be another lame attempt at a joke" she says as I nod and look her straight in the eyes with a serious expression.

"My grandmother passed, I have to leave, I'm sorry" I say as I grab my jacket off the rack and run as quickly as I can to get home. Even though I couldn't feel doesn't mean I didn't hate myself for it, it only meant that I hated myself more ever day I stayed numb. Because every day that passed that I didn't feel, the feeling that I would never get the chance to deepened.

                             Days Later

"She really was a great woman, the best I knew" says a woman as she continues talking as I stand up from my chair and step out of the room. What was harder than plastering on a smile? Painting a frown, because every time you do it you feel like a complete psychopath, because your numb.

"Valerie?" I say surprisingly as she stands in front of me and pulls me in for a hug. Maybe it was because she felt like I was actually a mess, like any other person grieving but it felt nice to be considered normal. "Thanks" I say as I pull away from her and I see tears in her eyes, "Val, are you okay?" I ask her as she sniffles and wipes her tears. "I'm sorry, I so sorry you have to go through this" she says as I nod, "That's understandable" I say as I smile at her as she looks confused at my expression. "Rose" I hear someone call my name as I look up to see my brother Wright standing in front of me.

"Yes?" I ask him as he gawks at Valerie and I roll my eyes, "We're at a funeral, stop" I say as I snap in his face trying to draw attention anywhere else but Val. "Oh shut up Rose, not like you can even mourn" he says loudly as I break, emotions or not, a person can only take so much until they short a fuse. "At least I have more respect for the deceased than you, grandma would have not wanted this at her funeral" I say as he laughs, just egging me on. "What? And you think of all people she'd want you here" he says as suddenly the room falls silent and I'm put on the spot. "Rose, you have your head so far up your own ass that you think your normal, your not" he says as I shut my mouth in a attempt to try and hold back his following words, but there's no point.

"FOR GOD SAKES ROSE, YOU CAN'T EVEN FEEL" he yells as everybody stares turn to me and I'm put on the spot. Seeing everyone's eyes on me and Aimee standing there with her grandson, something I worked so hard on hiding. Years of work shattered before me because someone couldn't keep his mouth shut. "WRIGHT, STOP IT RIGHT NOW" my mother say as she steps in and I walk to him and slap him as hard as I can. "I may not be able to feel, but I know you felt that" I say as I run out of the funeral home, leaving him cowering on the floor.

As I stand on the side of the building and catch my breath, "Excuse me" I hear a voice as I look up to see a middle aged man in a suit looking at me. "Yes?" I ask him as I wear my emotionless expression, "I'm your grandmothers attorney, she wanted you to have this" he says as he hands me a letter and I hope it it my hands as he walks away and I'm conflicted. But I fall back to my time, a time where I was with her and walk to my car and sit in there with the letter in my hand.

I nervously open the letter and start to read, I can't help but feel numb and almost like it was my fault. Because when you have Alexithymia you feel nothing all the time, in the best cases you have emotion but just can't describe them, but in the worst you don't even have your own. And it brings me back to that day, the day it was all confirmed.

                             ~Ten years ago~

"I told you, I don't want her to go, she's fine" my mother says as I keep coloring my drawing, "Rose, can I see?" My grandmother ask me as I nod and she takes the drawing and covers her mouth. "I will tell you one more time Bree, she is not okay" my grandmother says as she shows my picture to my mom as she gasp. As she sees my drawing as it shows a shadow and everything only in black and white.

"Rose?" She calls my name as she tears up just looking into my eyes, "Everything's going to be okay, we're going to take you to a doctor and your going to be better in no time." My mother tells my as she tries to comfort me and I simply nod.

As I look through the window of the building and silently think to myself, because as a kid to me, thinking was always better than holding a conversation, even with the ones I held most dear. "I'm Doctor Denier" he says as my mother shakes his hand and my grandmother holds my hand tight, as he shifts his sight to me and kneels down to my height and examines me, "You must be Rose?" He ask me as I simply nod and tear away from his sight and revert my eyes back to the window. "Rose, I'm going to help you" he tells me as I nod and looks at my grandma as she gives me a reassuring nod and I follow him.

I follow him into a room with a couch and a bigger window. "You can take a seat on the couch if you like...." he says as he looks and sees me looking out the window again, as I remember wishing to be as free as those birds that laid on those power lines, free to feel, free to escape.

"Rose, can you tell me why you don't talk?" He ask me as I tear my gaze away from the window and look at him sitting on a chair ready for me to talk, to tell him ever small detail about me. "I.....I.." I stutter as he pats my back, "It's okay Rose, take your time" he encourages me as I nod. "What....What are emotions?" I ask him as his face shifts, "Something you feel, happy, sad, anger...." he says as I cut him off. "Does everyone have them?" I ask as he looks confused but answers nonetheless, "Some, some don't, why is this Rose?" He ask me as I look at the floor. I was conflicted, should I tell this man how I feel, get help or just live with it, big decision for a twelve year old.

"Why don't I have any?" I ask him with a blank expression as he looks surprised, "What are you experiencing Rose" he ask as suddenly I realize the meaning of the words that came out of my mouth. "Rose, I can help, just please tell me" he begs as I take a deep breath and close my eyes and open them to see his face still in front of me. "I don't like conversations, people, I can't....." I say as suddenly I just stop, stop before I finish my sentence to make sure I'm right, and hope to god I'm wrong.

"I can't feel, something's wrong with me"

                                Present Time

"I need to see Doctor Denier" I tell the receptionist as I bust through the door and she looks at me as if I'm crazy. "You need a appointment, you can't just barge in" she tells me as I smile. "It either you tell me if he's available or I barge in" I tell her as she stare at me and pick up the phone and whispers, "Security." "That's it, I'm done being nice" I say as I walk past the receptionist and into Doctor Denier room.

"Angie, I told you no unscheduled visits" he says as he turns around and sees me, "I need to feel, can you please help me feel."