Heirs and Affairs (Part Three)

*START OF THE TALK*

"Shiva?" Harry said as he walking into his mentor's office. "Do you have a few minutes?"

"Sure, Harry. What's up?" Shiva asked as she pushed a few papers to the side and looked up at him.

"Well, Neville, Hermione two other girls and I were talking in the library a few minutes ago. The others started talking about Lockhart having 'affairs' with the girls in sixth and seventh years. After the other two left, I asked Hermione and Neville what they meant." Harry's brow furrowed. "She started getting really evasive and nervous and then asked whether I knew what 'sex' meant." He paused for a second as Shiva coughed and paled. "I told her that it was male vs. female but apparently that was the wrong answer. She said I should come talk to you or Madame Pomfrey but she would explain if neither of you would…so…what am I missing?"

Shiva had covered her face in her hands by this point and was muttering unintelligibly. Harry could only catch a few words, "Bastards…supposed to have years to prepare myself…need a basic class on this…" Shiva took a deep breath and slowly lowered her hands to peer critically at Harry. "Harry, you've never had a sex ed class before?" He just shook his head still looking utterly confused. "Merlin's balls. I could kill those damn Muggles…are you sure you want me talking to you about this? Madame Pomfrey would do a far better job. Hell, McGonagall would probably do a far better job. Both of them had kids. I don't exactly have much…um…experience with explaining this."

"I trust you though," Harry said simply. 'What does having kids have to do with this?' he thought to himself.

"This is likely going to be exceedingly awkward."

"I gathered that. It takes a lot to fluster Hermione about basic facts and explanations," Harry said raising his eyebrows at the older woman.

"Oh for crying out loud…fine," Shiva held up her hands before walking around the desk and collapsing into a seat near him. "If I'm going to explain this then you are going to sit there and listen understand? You are not going to run away before I get done, yes?" He nodded. "Dammit. Okay. Look, you know boys and girls have different…parts?"

"Yes, Shiva. I told you, I know about male and female sex." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Ugh. Sex has two meanings, Harry. One is gender like you're saying. The other is a verb. The act of sex."

"How can sex be an act?"

"Would you just let me explain?" Shiva grumbled. "This isn't exactly peaches and cream for me either you know. I'm 20. I'm not supposed to be explaining sex for another few years at least! Arg! Okay, let's try this again. Sex is how babies are made."

"What?" Harry just stared at her.

"When a boy and girl love each other – well actually they don't have to love each other but you really should – then they have sex. When they're ready. Generally late teens or early twenties but of course that's not a rule and there's nothing wrong with waiting."

"I don't understand. Shiva, you're not making any sense."

"Males have a penis. Females have a vagina. Tab P into Slot V, Harry."

"Tab P into…" Harry trailed off as his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

"Good. Got that. Thank god. Okay so, when a boy and girl love each other they…join…and if a boy finishes – "

"If they what?!"

"Finishes. Climaxes. Umm, have you ever woken up at night after a strange dream and your sheets were a bit sticky with white stuff instead of pee?"

"I – uh – I – yes?" Harry tried to burrow into the chair.

"That. That's called semen. And girls have eggs. But eggs that are inside of a girl's bodies. If a boy's semen is left in a girl at the right time and it comes in contact with an egg then there is chance that the girl could get pregnant with a baby."

"Oh." Harry's voice was rather high and he was trying very hard to stare at anything besides Shiva.

"Now, sex doesn't just have to be to make a baby. Actually generally it's not. It's fun and it feels good and it's a natural progression of most relationships and some people just do it sometimes because they're bored – but you shouldn't do that! You should only have sex with someone you really care about because it's a sign of trust and love and…and you shouldn't do it before you're at least a teenager!" Shiva was flailing but it helped that both Harry and herself were beet red. "Now I'm not going to tell you what age is appropriate because I'd be a hypocrite and I know what people get up to in broom closets here – "

"That's what people mean when they say 'find a broom closet'?" Harry squeaked.

"Well it's part of it. Generally people don't go all the way in broom closets. It's not exactly comfortable or romantic in those. Rather cramped. I don't recommend it." Shiva slapped a hand to her head. Now she was giving recommendations to a 12 year old? "Arg, forget I said that. There are other things you can do rather than full on sex. It's called foreplay or fooling around. Touching a girl's breasts or her private area or her touching your privates. Or even just kissing. Kissing can be extremely satisfying too for a couple."

"Oh," Harry said trying very hard to sound normal. And failing rather spectacularly.

"Yeah so that's about it. Well actually I suppose that's not totally it because there are other types of sex. There's oral sex where one of the partners uses their mouth and then there's anal sex where instead of using the girl's vagina you use her arse instead and then there's group sex which is when there's more than just two people involved and you can always use toys or something – but the Muggle stuff doesn't work here so it cuts out some of the fun – and then there's bondage which is just tying someone up – but if you do that you want to have safe words so everyone knows it's too far and to immediately stop – and um…" Shiva trailed off staring very intently at the wall above Harry's head.

"Anything else?" Harry asked quietly desperately praying this conversation could be over.

"No, I think that's about it," Shiva said nodding hurriedly. "Oh! Wait! You started asking about Lockhart having affairs? That wouldn't surprise me but it's sleazy. An affair is a term for having sex secretly or cheating on your spouse. And you should never have sex with a teacher. It's an abuse of power on their part and bad. We can't really punish it because the wizarding world is kind of backwards on some things but that doesn't mean you should do it!"

Harry just nodded hurriedly. 'Please stop talking,' he silently pleaded.

"Okay I think that's it. If you have any questions come and ask. I'm not going to teach you the contraceptive charm until you are at least 14 got it? I'd prefer 15 but your best female friend is almost a year older so I'm going to be at least somewhat realistic here and – "

"Hermione!?" Harry blurted out as his features twisted in horror desperately trying not to imagine his best friend doing those things.

"Yes, Hermione. It's a chance at least. Though I suppose she'll probably already know it by then anyway, but still, the guy should always know it as well! You can't be too careful and the last thing you need is to become a father as a teenager!"

"Are we done? Can we be done? Please?"

"Yeah, yeah I think we're done. Ask Hermione or Pomfrey for some books. I have absolutely no idea what is good to read beyond romance novels which are utterly useless for realistic information…" Shiva finally managed to look down at Harry who reluctantly met her gaze. "I did tell you this was going to be exceedingly awkward."

"I'll listen to you next time," Harry muttered as he got up and hurried to the door. Just before slipping out Harry turned back to glance at her. "Err, thanks, Shiva. That was…probably better than going to Madame Pomfrey." With that he practically ran out the door and back to the tower.

Shiva slumped down in her chair and eyed the cabinet with her firewhiskey. "Merlin. I haven't even officially gotten custody of the kid yet and I'm already giving him the Talk…"

*END OF THE TALK*

Harry had avoided being alone with Hermione for several days after that and it didn't pass unnoticed. Eventually on Halloween his friend stopped him while they were heading down to the feast.

"Harry, this is ridiculous. You have to stop avoiding me sometime!" she said glaring at him.

"I'm not avoiding you," he muttered.

"You are."

"Technically I'm avoiding most girls…" he said trying to appease her.

Hermione just huffed. "Well that's just stupid. Obviously you talked with Shiva. Nobody's just going to jump you. Not for another few years at least. I mean – you're cute and all and – oh Merlin I can't believe I just said that – look, Harry, you can't avoid talking to girls just because you understand the Birds and the Bees now!"

'She thinks I'm cute?' Harry's brain caught on that part of the statement and he turned his head to stare up at her. Neville nearby had his hand over his mouth and was shaking with muffled laughter. "Thanks for the support, Nev." Harry glared at his friend. "Fine, Hermione. I apologize for avoiding you. I'll promise to stop doing that. Now can we please go – I'm starving and the feast is – "

{Hunnngry. Foood. Kiiilllll…}

"Kill?" Harry frowned and stared at the wall where he heard the voice.

"What?" Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "Harry?"

{There! Food! Kill! Eat!}

"No! Come on! We have to stop it!"

"Stop what?" Neville shouted after Harry as he tore off down the corridor after the voice. Harry heard his friends pounding along behind him but he focused on the voice trying to follow it.

"Harry! What's going on?!" Hermione yelled as Harry rounded the corner. He stopped dead and his friends plowed into his back. "Harry?" Harry just lifted a finger to point at the nearby wall and Neville and Hermione both gasped.

On the wall written in what looked like blood were the words: THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN HAS REOPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS. ALL ENEMIES BEWARE. Below the dripping words, Mrs. Norris lay on the floor next to a small puddle of water. She was completely frozen solid.