7 If I Lose Myself

“I stared up at the sun, thought of all of the people, places, and things I've loved. I stared up just to see, with all of the faces, you were the one next to me” - If I Lose Myself by One Republic.

***

After Enzo left, I stayed back at the beach. I didn’t want to go home just yet.

I lowered my body, to rest on the bland sand. I didn't care whether I would dirty my hair or not. I artlessly didn't care. It was the least of my worries right now. Man was I tired. I arduously pressed play, again.

You can feel the light start to tremble ,

Washing what you know out to sea,

You can see your life out of the window tonight

If I lose myself tonight, It'll be by your side

I closed my eyes and tried to loose myself in the music. Keyword; Tried.

This time it felt discrepant. Like there was something missing.

A family? When have I ever had a family? People might say that she's rich why the fuck is she even complaining? Or it's just a phase. Every teenage girl hates their mom. I started to bite my lips and hold it my breath to stop myself from tearing up again, because it would lead to sobbing. That my friends is a sight only my bedroom walls have the opportunity to see.

I got up and walked back home slowly. Thank god no one was awake, I wasn’t in the mood to see let alone talk to anyone. I quickly showered and changed into my pjs before getting into bed.

Right then and there I forced myself to clear my mind, and fall into a bottomless sleep. Hopefully that'll help.

My mind started to wander off to dreamland where a charming prince awaits.

When I came to realize who this prince was, I knew for a fact that It was just my hallucination. Because standing there mighty and all was none other than Carter himself.

"Mom! When is my dress coming in? I've called the designer you hired, nonstop but he's not answering me." Cameron's whiny voice was heard through out the whole house.

To clarify the situation, Cameron's dress still hasn't arrived. She is driving everybody ballistic, since the party my mother is hosting is tomorrow night. Oh joy.

"Sweetie, that's because your dress is already here. I kept it hidden so it wouldn't get ruined or anything." My mother gave her a hug, to comfort her.

We were all currently in the living room. This room was empty when I came in. I just sat here to watch whatever's on T.V. Or at least that's my cover up excuse. I just really wanted to avoid everyone.

By watching T.V. In the living room? My subconscious asked. Well it seemed like a good enough Idea, when I chose to sit here.

"Do you want to see your dress, Harmony?" Grandma Cherry asked nervously. She was trying her best to see if I was mad at her or anything.

"Nope, because I'm not going to this stupid party." I avoided looking into my grandmother's eyes.

I didn't want to cave into forgiving her quickly. Even though she didn't do anything, really. I was still hurt that she hid such a thing from me. I thought we were close, well I guess I thought wrong.

"Of course you're coming. Don't be an idiot." My mother rolled her eyes at me.

"Actually I'm not. I have plans." I flatly said.

"Oh really and what would be more important than spending your night at this party?" My mother challenged.

"Sleep!”

"Harmony, please come to the party. For me?" My grandma started again. That's when I turned to look at her.

"No," I tenaciously answered again, before getting up and stomping off to my room. As soon as I opened the door, I got in slamming it shut. It didn't take long before I saw grandma's face pop through the door.

"Harmony," She sighed.

"Leave me alone!" I coldly said.

"Harmony," She repeated, but this time her voice sounded hurt by the tone of my voice.

This is the first time I have ever spoken to grandma like that. My heart clenched. She doesn't deserve this from me. At all. So I quickly turned to look at her teary eyes.

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I really am." She walked to stand close to my bed, before continuing. I knew she was about to open up the topic I've been avoiding all morning.

"From the moment I found out about it, I knew. I knew deep down that when you find out you will be deeply hurt. This is a really huge thing to process through your mind. I really wanted to tell you along time ago, but I-I didn't for my own selfish reasons. One of them being that you'll leave," She chocked out.

"The thought of you leaving this family, petrified me. I kept my mouth shut. But after seeing your mother treat you terribly for so many years, this time she pulled the final string. I had to let you know the truth. Even though we were never related by blood. You will always be my cookie.

You're the only one in this family who isn't too full of themself. Who isn't selfish. Your heart is pure, and I adore you for it. Of course I still love my son, and grandchildren. But you're the only one left who really understands me. And I know it will take sometime, but I promise you I will do anything, anything for you to forgive me." She finished.

"Grandma, you know I've been waiting for an escape all my life. And now that I have it, I want to leave this family. I can't stay in a place where I'm treated worse than shit. I just can't bare everyday having to cry myself to sleep. Now I don't know how much money it will cost me, but I will find my father. My real father. And the only way I'm going to stay in this place is if my father doesn't want me, or if he's dead." Silence permeated the room. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but she eventually broke the silence.

"I want to help you." She whispered.

"What?"

"I want to help you find him, Harmony and I will." She looked just as determined as I am. I couldn't fight the grin that found it's way to my face. I ran to give her a bone-crushing hug. Now since she was standing close to the bed, that caused us both to fall on the bed. Laughter filled the room, from both of us.

"I love you grandma cherry. Thank you so much." I kissed her cheek, not letting go of her.

"I love you more, Cookie." She laughed.

"And really grandma? You thought I'd leave you all alone here in this family? I mean who would force me to eat all the pancakes they make a hundred of them or Who would actually help me survive living with my mother or-?"

"I just didn't want you to leave without looking back." She raised her voice cutting me off.

"I couldn't even if I tried." I truthfully told her. I really would miss grandma cherry if I so happened to leave.

"Now Harmony, you know that this will take a long time right? But I will hire the best of the best private investigators to help us find your father. Okay?"

"Yeah. But how long would that take?" I impatiently asked. I mean the less time I spend here the better. She gave me a sympathetic look before answering.

"I really have no idea."

"So I still have to stay here all summer?" I groaned.

"Honey, I know I told you the truth. But your mother and my son cannot find out about this. At least not now."

"Why not?"

"Honey, I have seen your mother on many occasions cover up her secrets in ways that are impossible and some even disgust me. So, if she finds out about this before we reach the goal ourselves, she will make sure you neverfind your father. Let alone see him."

"What is she a gang leader or something?" I sarcastically asked.

"That wouldn't be surprising." Grandma started mocking my mother, making me burst out laughing. I then hugged her again. I really appreciate the fact she is even helping me. I'm going to lie and say I'm not nervous because I defiantly am. I still don't know what my father is like. Or he is alive or not.

"Don't worry, Cookie. I'm sure we will find him before you know it. I'm also a million percent sure he will love you with all his heart.” I guess grandma somehow sensed my nervousness.

"How do you know that? I mean what if he is in jail or worse, if he's dead or-"

"Harmony, calm down," She shook her head at my rambling. "I'm sure he's not dead and anybody who doesn't love is either blind or basically cuckoo." I smiled at her attempt to comfort me.

"So anyway what do you mean you won't go to the party?" She crossed her arms as she narrowed her eyes at me.

"Grandma," I groaned. "I still don't know why you want me to even go. It will be the same annoying people with the same things to talk about. Give me one good reason why I should go?"

"Carter will be there." She smirked as my eyes widened.

"I don't like him and besides Cameron is making it her mission to make him hers.”

"So?"

"Did you not here me clearly. Cameron wants him." I repeated slowly.

"She still isn't his girlfriend. You've still got time and besides she does not even look close to his type. If that were true he would have already had her."

"What makes you think I want to be his girlfriend?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Oh honey, I'm old not stupid. I saw the way he was staring at you the whole time yesterday and I've never seen you blush so much."

"Look grandma please let this go. I simply hope he has a happy life with that Ogre. Now let's talk about something else." I muttered.

"Like how you will go to the party with you're sexy dress to try and get Carter's attention?"

"Grandma." I groaned for the hundredth time that day. Making her laugh yet again at my discomfort.

Ethereal

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