1 Life and Death
"Where did it all start?"
He sank into his memories and remembered that time back then, his most difficult times.
He could feel it as if it was happening in front of him, that routine was so ingrained in him that it would even seem this moment was a dream and those days were the reality.
He could feel waking up and looking around, his head hurting but being used to it.
He tried to stand up but he felt so tired that he just laid back on his bed.
Struggling to fully wake up, he grabbed his phone and scrolled watching social media videos.
Scroll, scroll, scroll
The videos were all garbage but he couldn't help but keep scrolling. The videos might have been cheerful and quirky yet he only felt a pure void within.
Time passed and that feeling only intensified before he was finally able to stand up from his bed and let go of his phone.
He felt sleepy and dysfunctional, it seemed drugs had caught up with him but he knew, he knew that using them was necessary, otherwise he'd have killed himself long ago.
He had to keep taking them just to find that small joy in the abyss of his life.
He also couldn't quit since the drug withdrawals and cravings would start immediately. He had to bide his time.
As he stood and moved in his small crappy apartment filled with trash, rotting food and fruit flies. He couldn't help but look at himself in the mirror stationed in the middle of his apartment.
He looked at himself, and he couldn't even recognise his own reflection.
"Is this my face?"
His head gave a small burst of pain forcing him to touch it.
"What was my name again?"
"Doesn't matter anyway, I will remember with time."
He was a jobless neet that dropped out of college years back yet even though such a long time had passed, he didn't accomplish anything significant.
He regretted his life yet even though he did, he never regretted quitting college.
Education was always a nightmare to him, school had no work-life balance, even in your free time, you'd be constantly stressed about assignments, exams, what you did and didn't do. You had to devote your entire life to it otherwise you'd fail and be stressed constantly.
But even if you gave it your all and sacrificed your precious time and life to succeed, what's after? working 8 hours a day for 30 years?
How is this life? although he was in such a messed up shape, he'd rather be this way than be a student again.
Although he was in this chaotic place, he much preferred the peace of having nothing to do. He could go outside and just listen to music for hours each day, read novels whenever he wanted, write poems or some inspiration...
In fact, the majority of his life was spent thinking, so much free time let his mind ponder the deeper questions of existence.
Where did I come from? who am I? what am I? what is life? why do we exist? why do humans live? am I real? he had always been a natural born philosopher, although one who didn't read philosophy books.
He had always questioned what he was, he was supposedly a brain in a body controlling this body yet even his thoughts came from nowhere, he couldn't say with certainty that he was the creator of his thoughts.
Can one predict their next thought? they just spawned from nowhere like clouds appearing in the sky.
Removing the blinds, the light made him squint his eyes.
He opened the window and couldn't help but feel melancholic by the freshness of the air contrasted by the dirty air in his room.
Suddenly, a burst of pain came from a tooth, he didn't even flinch.
He'd been used to the pain for way longer, on his mouth most of his teeth had tooth fillings. He'd already lost 3 teeth leaving his mouth with apparent holes at the back.
Let alone the teeth, he couldn't even remember the last time he showered or had a proper meal.
This specific tooth had already been treated by the dentist but it was a late treatment so the pain would still stay for a few more days which he didn't mind it at all.
Those days after he had removed tooth molars were nightmarish even with codeine, a drug that was an actual drug.
Despite being a drug addict, perhaps because of bad luck or perhaps better to say good fortune, he couldn't acquire opiates thus not dying of overdose early on, even if it happened, he wouldn't mind it.
He'd already overdosed on ketamine twice but he luckily survived. It was better to state that what he used were bath salts meaning drugs that had changed their molecules slightly to become legal and available in the grey market.
It was better to do so since they came from actual labs and although more dangerous, it was actually safer since one wouldn't stumble on who knows what substance, better to be safe than die because some drugged out plug mixed orders.
As he moved around, he felt hungry, he checked his small broken fridge but he couldn't even open it without seeing rotten food and smelling a disgusting smell. The meat had probably rotten, normal rotting smells couldn't make him flinch but rotten meat had a distinctive smell.
He knew there was some more rotten food somewhere under the trash that filled his room that looked more like a landfill than a proper home.
He even knew there'd be small worms in there, including a colony of fruit flies but he was too lazy or rather too dysfunctional to take care of it.
He moved to try and find something to eat to not feel starved, he'd always sleep ten hours minimum and eat only once or twice a day, so he needed something to eat before the lack of nourishment added to his already dysfunctional state.
As his eyes moved to the couch, he began to search through his clothes. Fruit flies scattered by the hundreds.
He kept looking through the clothes as fruit flies scattered in the air before finally finding a half-filled milk bottle.
He opened the cap and tasted it a bit to know its quality.
"A bit sour but it's okay."
Although it was a day or two old, it was still drinkable, as for safety, who even thinks about these things?
To others, his state might seem weird or tragic but to him, it felt normal. most people would see others as having it harder or easier but in truth, one can always get used to their circumstances as long as the body can get used to it.
A homeless man's lifestyle might appear tragic but in his own head, he'd have been too used to it to even feel bad about it, human were very adaptable creatures.
These types of people have already walked beyond normality, they already have left behind their attachments, already let go of judgments, people's opinions, desires, dreams.
They had already wept, cried, despaired, they were stronger now, more resilient, trivial things couldn't move them anymore.
He was about to reach out for his phone and do whatever would be done but a sudden feeling emerged from the core of his being, he didn't want to be like this or atleast he wanted a way out.
Whenever he'd feel these types of emotions, he'd immediately jump on the one molecule that provides true happiness, that actually made him feel bliss : LSD
It's been a few weeks already so the tolerance had mostly faded, he immediately dressed up in his muddied pants.
Spring had just started two weeks ago so it was the perfect time to go there.
He dressed, packed a backpack, his headphones, a few religious books and left.
As he went out of his door, every few seconds, he would check his pants to see if his keys were there or not, a reflex developed for a long time.
He couldn't lose his keys, let alone the panic of being on a drug and losing keys but he'd even have to sleep outside, he had neither money nor did he know anyone in this city.
As he walked outside, he instinctively breathed deep breaths for a few long minutes, it seemed his body really needed it.
He walked to the local supermarket, bought some convenience food, fruits, two bottles of milk and one bottle of water.
As he entered the subway station ready to take the filthy subway, he couldn't help but notice the homeless people laying on the ground, some drugged out, some with dead eyes, some just pretending to earn a buck.
He had always looked down on them, not because he was like normal people looking at them as if they weren't human but because he understood them the most.
He knew what it was like to be a reject of society, to see everything one had be taken from them and be stuck in the whirlpool of life where catastrophy after catastrophy ensued.
He looked down on them, not because they were like him but because they didn't dare to defy their fate, if he was in such a place, stealing would be the least he would do.
Even if that meant going to jail, such people had nothing to lose or perhaps he was more far gone than them.
Only a thin thread separated his life from his death after all.
Unlike the homeless, he was totally alone, even dwelling in a crappy apartment that looked more like a prison cell than a home, even not seeing light for months on end.
As he was about to pass them, he couldn't help but grab a ten dollar bill and hand it to the one who looked to be really struggling.
He gave despite financially struggling just because he couldn't bear to look at the number of well-off people who passed by but didn't give a cent.
He then rode for 40 minutes in the filthy subway drinking the remaining milk and eating a bit before catching another bus, he was now in front of a large park that had a small forest in its depth.
The view was absolutely breathtaking, but his messy glasses and eyes that have been messed up by years of neetdom had already taken that view.
He didn't use contacts anymore, he couldn't bother to clean them, his glasses were very light and thin however allowing some comfort.
His backpack was heavy, he hadn't exercised in a long time but he kept moving as if the burden wasn't there.
As he reached the main park that was connected with a small forest, he didn't even bother to look at people but their sights nonetheless entered his eyes.
Cheerful smiles, kids playing in the playground with their parents, people playing soccer with breathtaking willows swaying in the background.
It looked like a sight from a heaven especially to his eyes that were only used to filth.
He walked through it all, no expression appeared on his eyes.
He kept moving towards the forest before entering through a small entrance from in between the trees.
In that moment, it seemed as if he had turned away from the light and walked towards the darkness.
Yet there was light penetrating through the leaves and branches slightly illuminating the forest.
Even in the depths of the forest, there was light. The only place the light didn't seem to exist was his own heart.
He sat in the middle of the woods on a tree that had collapsed.
He took 3 tabs of 150 microgram lsd and gulped them with water, the cold water hurt his weakened teeth and sent chills through him but it was as if he didn't feel it.
Lsd was a wonder drug, to people who have never experienced it, they would say it induces hallucinations but words are not reality and one cannot describe a drug.
Lsd was something beyond imagination, one would feel as if they entered another world.
The body feels different, one's thought processes change and the outside world changes with one's thoughts and depending on one's mood, the world becoming more emotional and alive.
One would feel as if synchronised with the outside world if taken in a natural environment.
If taken in high doses it can make or break one, it was nothing surprising to know that the average dose was 100 micrograms and the difference between 200 and 300 was as vast as the heavens in terms of intensity, let alone 450 with little tolerance.
There were 3 phases of it.
The come up, the peak, the comedown.
The trip overall lasted 10 to 12 hours on such doses if not more.
The comeup especially with high doses is very anxiety-inducing, one would even feel paranoid in reckless doses.
As the anxiety washed over him, he didn't resist it, he let it come and stay.
As it intensified, he merely let it move through him, all sorts of negative feelings arose in him but he still wasn't moved.
The drug however affected his brain making him feel dizzy almost as if in a dream.
As the come up was at its peak, he could feel his heart beating rapidly and all types of visuals appearing, the whole world seemed alive and different.
A normal person would freak out yet he was no amateur, he'd already gone through this dozens of times and no less than thirty.
As he entered the peak, he felt his eyes sharpen, his mind clear and finally he could see normally. he could feel pumped and almost feel like an animal.
His body felt weird standing, he breathed deeply and was filled with such energy that he couldn't even think before he dropped his backpack, put on his headphones and left running through the woods.
As he ran through the trees, all his movements were coordinated to perfection with music, he could see clearly, move through and between fallen trees, branches, greenery like an animal in his element.
He could jump in a hole with bushes, get stuck and still jump again and again to get out of it, it almost looked as if a bull that was kept in captivity had finally received freedom.
He ran for an entire hour, falling in the slightly muddy dirt, getting up and moving again and again.
People who were hiking would be surprised why such a man was running in the middle of the woods rather than taking the path taken by runners and hikers. Even at some point, seeing a guy running barefoot through the woods.
He didn't care about what was under his feet nor did he care what others thought nor about the chilly weather. There was only freedom in his mind, pure freedom.
It was magical, the body that couldn't move before was now doing impossible movements all coordinated to perfection, it almost looked like he was dancing while running.
He would even stop at times and point to the trees as if he was playing with them before running through small slopes up and down with his bare feet.
Finally, he stopped and breathed deep breaths, he felt alive, free, despite all his sights moving.
On Lsd, all types of visuals occurred, the branches of the trees looked as if they were dancing and moving. When he ran he'd even feel as if the ground and forest were moving with him.
As he breathed deeply, he stopped.
It was time to think about things, things that matter.
He grabbed his spiritual books and dove deep in.
Lsd was a wonder drug, it could make even the most bizarre and profound text appear absolutely clear as if one had put on the right glasses.
He had read the Tao te Ching, the Ashtavakra Gita and a few other mystical books and even some of his own writings on the true nature of reality. There was no mainstream religious books because he had already read them all. There were all dogmatic and emotionally manipulative.
He couldn't be manipulated by such things, maybe a person who hadn't gone through too much could afford the luxury to believe in a god and fear him but one who has already gone through so much in life, he would be prepared to enter hell itself if his search for truth was authentic.
He couldn't be swayed by mere fear or desire for an afterlife, he wanted the truth as ugly as it may be.
He wasn't against the belief in a creator, in fact, he wanted such a beautiful concept to be real, a good caring God that protected beings and offered a heaven upon death.
Yet as he grew, as he experienced the unfairness of life, all his love, desires, dreams and goodness had all been washed away.
The ashtavakra gita was a very spiritually strong text which was extremely interesting although he didn't fully believe it but it was such an otherworldy view on life, it offered such an impenetrably strong argument.
It posed the possibility that a "Self" which is the very essence of the world existed and is man's true self and soul.
"Self" not as an emotional personal god but rather an impersonal god that was still and unchanging, being the very field where the world existed, the very space where time and space could exist to begin with, the backbone of existence.
It posed a very mind-bending concept that the physical world was an illusion.
This first was very much different from other religions since it preached no morals and posed the world as not real while it posed "I am" as the true reality but it seemed too good to be true and all his effort had been fruitless.
He jumped to the Tao te ching and it had basically the same thing expressed in a different way, there seemed to be an essence that is beyond human comprehension called the Tao, that it wasn't possible to describe but it nonetheless existed and was the origin of the world and the backbone of existence.
On lsd, he could truly read between the lines and truly grasp what was ungraspable.
As he looked at the trees and the willows swaying by the lake, he couldn't help but feel a special feeling seeing the water ripple but it ultimately led nowhere and that led to a sort of anger within him.
He had wasted so much time on meaningless things that contributed nothing to his actual life but he liked them, he loved pursuing the truth and the questions of existence, he liked pursuing the mysteries of life.
He had even written his own religious book as well as theories about existence and a few myths of creations yet he couldn't verify them.
It felt everytime he tried to grasp something mystical about life, it would just slip from in-between his fingers.
The fact that society didn't allow such things, that it didn't allow human beings to be free and live the way they wanted to, made him even more mad at what he considered to be a rotten society.
"This world truly has no redeeming quality, truly not a single thing in this world is beautiful or even good, even the joy and happiness are merely like daggers ready to stab one's back the moment one became vulnerable to them. all love is pain."
The lsd coupled with that special feeling gave rose to his most profound thoughts.
"Everything in this world is impermanent, look at how I was in that filthy place feeling like garbage just a few hours ago yet here I am here in this beautiful forest feeling almost blissful. Everything changes, moves yet ultimately nothing will last."
"All gatherings will end up in seperation, everything you have, you will eventually lose. Let alone material things, even the body is a nesting place for disease, weak, impermanent. In the end, it will lay on the ground devoid of life."
"What is the point of life? nothing more than living and seeing interesting things, life itself is merely a blink of an eye. One cannot even grasp a moment in time, years flow like water as one's lifespan gradually decreases before it ends and nothing of it remains."
"Trying to grasp time is like trying to grasp sand between one's fingers. in the end, the more you are attached to this life, the more you are bound to suffer."
He sighed before he couldn't help but break into a fit of laughter.
"Hahaha, not only have I suffered my entire life but I will continue to suffer for the rest of my life and even if I manage to get out of this rut, everything I will gather I will ultimately lose, everything I will get, I will have to worry about. wheter it be wealth, people, kids, love, career, there will always, always be obstacles, always waiting to put a stop to my path!"
"There is no straight path in this world, the straight path offered by society is merely a road leading to binding chains!"
Thinking of this, he couldn't help but laugh even more.
"Hahaha, Hahahaha, although I am a total loser and a reject of society but in fact I am the freest one, I have given up the straight road and now I dwell in the places other people shun, in thoughts people don't even think about before they die, experience what they never knew was possible."
He didn't think he was a genius nor someone extraordinary but he had always felt superior to the common folk because he was daring. He was someone obsessed with pursuing his interests and all the brainwashing of his parents, society and people couldn't overpower that inner curiosity and interest that was ingrained in him since birth.
As he looked back as his younger days, he couldn't help but agree with his past actions, all his actions were perfect, although they could be better but there were perfect according to his mental age and the cards he was dealt, he had always been authentic to himself.
"Although I was dealt bad card after bad card, I have always lived true to my self and I will continue to do so no matter the cost."
A trace of resolution surfaced in his eyes.
He continued walking and somehow got out of the woods, everything in front of him was sparkling and shining like it was 4k quality with beautiful visuals and hallucinations in synch with the music, the natural scenery looked stunning and immensely beautiful.
As he moved further, he couldn't help but hear the laughs of people and kids playing.
Hearing the laughs and sensing the joy in the air, he couldn't help but feel a tinge of sadness arise in him but he didn't entertain it.
He had already gone too far.
Such an encounter two or three years ago could have made him deeply regret his path but even when he turned himself to the light back then, turning to friendship, people, love. The light always seemed to reject him or rather not attract him nor satisfy him.
He felt as if he was pretending to be something other than himself.
He was a natural born loner, not that he liked being alone but no one could understand him.
Even after forcing himself to walk in the light. in the end, it seemed as if the engulfing darkness of loneliness was his destiny.
As he walked barefoot on the grass with the swaying willows in the background, he couldn't help but feel a deep melancholy of having this type of life.
He had tried, he had truly tried but it seemed there was no choice and he himself didn't want to walk their path.
His path rationally was the most suitable for him and he really liked it, but it seemed humans had an emotional side ingrained in their being, people liked being in crowds.
Humans couldn't endure loneliness and liked chasing after family love, friendship and romance to fill in their spirit. When they received setbacks, they would hide in the group, complain to relatives and share with friends. They didn't dare to confront their fears and defeats by themselves. When there was pain, they would be busy sharing it.
But walking alone meant one had to shoulder everything alone, no one to talk to nor share your pain but it made a person stronger, more resilient.
It was truly painful and pushed one to their limits but it forged oneself into someone capable of shouldering the burdens of life.
It was easy to be naive and brainwashed by society but it was hard to wake oneself up and realise the cruel nature of the world.
Society might hide the true nature of the world but it will always seep through the cracks, humans are not separate from the world, thus its cruelty is also a part of them.
That is, not forgetting the light but he saw that although light overpowered the darkness temporarily, darkness will always have its time.
Light might shine in the day but the night will eventually come.
He also saw that darkness was more permanent. darkness does need to shine to exist, it is omnipresent waiting for the light to go before revealing itself.
He didn't see darkness as violence or even rage, it was similar to the night; quiet, still, it can be dangerous yet it is also calm, similar to an owl preying on a mouse on a dark night.
Still, silent, focused yet also lively at times, not completely emotionless.
Although one had to be mainly still and focused, one had to also have a bit of liveliness and emotions. he thought that it was similar to the yin-yang symbol, within light is darkness and within darkness is light, a darkness that doesn't have a trace of light will be weaker than light that has integrated its darkness.
The Lsd made instantly clear to him that light and darkness although different complement each other on top of being present in each other.
In the night, the moon shines, in the day, objects have a shadow.
But society and people only preached light but hid the darkness because they couldn't accept it, but the more it was suppressed the more it resurfaced.
One couldn't walk a city without seeing homeless people, one couldn't enter and pass by trees without seeing countless dead leaves.
Darkness and light, life and death were inseparable. but humans liked the light and hated the darkness.
This realisation would crush normal people for it implied simply that every human had their own dark side similar to the worst of humanity. The excessive empathy of modern humanity was merely a societal construct, although present within people one cares about, it is insanely deranged in human society where would feel bad for a dog on a screen.
Nature itself, although gives, it also takes, although it can be merciful, it is also brutal from a human perspective.
There was no absolutely carefree life in this world, he knew this the most!
Life gave him no breaks, no refuge, from his abusive parents in his childhood, to his garbage friends to failing at projects he worked hard on, he had worked hard yet his passions remained unfulfilled, he couldn't get a small relief from this cruel world.
The days when he had suffered and was depressed, people only dug a deeper hole to throw him in.
It was only when he had stood up for himself, fought for himself, disregarded everything for himself, that he was able to overcome some of the obstacles in life.
He had had a hard life, failing constantly at anything he tried.
Having to always go through trials and difficulties would break even the toughest. Otherwise why would someone like him even resort to drugs?
He had always been an idealistic person, he always desired the world to be perfect, for every being to live a wonderful life, that although there would be difficulties for everyone to overcome, life would still be immensely beautiful.
But the more he held on to his vision, the more reality crushed him with its opposite, the more he turned towards the light, the more the darkness manifested even more in his life as if life was trying to show him that he was being delusional.
Drugs were the only safe space he could find, it was a way to cope and also a way to let go of societal judgments and society's paradigm of thinking.
Why must one follow others?
Why? Because one is brainwashed as a child to either follow or be beaten, to be like a sheep and follow the herd to be given a comfortable living.
As he remembered his parents, he showed no expression, he understood them totally, people who were brought up, walking the straight path of society and suddenly got too full of themselves as if they had created miracles, they seemed more like Npc's than human beings.
What is a human without thought, without thinking about the meaning of life, without wondering and contemplating questions about existence and without desiring something more from life.
Otherwise, what's the point of living?
The body itself is merely a machine, the brain as well, pleasure and pain are the program of the brain, how can we truly be human beings if we do not try to ascend past these bodily functions?
Is our purpose just to eat, sleep, reproduce and then die?
He believed humanity was meant for higher things and so did past human beings who fought to secure humanity's existence even in the midst of hard times, in the midst of starvation, even when other species went extinct but modern society was a chain to a human's freedom.
No one could understand him, they were merely minimum job workers, even highly educated people were the exact same, brainwashed despite all their education.
He couldn't help but feel disgusted when thinking about human beings.
Look at doctors themselves, imagine being a dentist, pulling teeth all day, although it is necessary, it is not what one would live for, it does not put a fire in one's heart to live.
Without higher pursuits, he truly believed man was just a slave to the body and life was absolutely meaningless but once a person truly had higher pursuits, once one had dreams and ambitions, he would rise beyond the body and thrive both physically and spiritually, as well as find meaning in their life.
As he kept walking through the forests, he couldn't help but feel melancholic at life, he had always had struggles of ideals within himself, he had always desired more but he was chained in this world like a slave.
These chains felt more and more suffocating as he lived and the greatest problem was that these chains were unbreakable.
As hours passed, he came down from the trip and went to bed only to feel dysfunctional while sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like garbage again the next day but he didn't mind it.
The realisations he had were absolutely worth it and he kept on those kinds of trips for a long time.
"It has been years since then, hasn't it?"
He smiled, he was now 26, very different from his 21 year old self, countless events happened since then, his memory wandered to more striking moments of his life.
He had earned a living using a few part-time jobs, crypto and trading, especially since buying a few successful crypto coins. As they rose in value, they offered him more financial security, although he was hit in the crash, he still did amazingly well and with his little spending, it afforded him a slightly more carefree life.
He had gotten off drugs by 23 yet he still lived a slightly chaotic life, however, it was adventurous and filled with contemplations and searching for the mysteries of life.
He had written countless posts about his ideas and theories yet no one seemed to understand him.
People saw him closer to a madman than a "normal" human being.
However at 25, he suddenly went to the doctor because of lung pain only to be found out to have lung cancer, what was worse was that it was stage 4 cancer.
It wasn't logical at all, at most he had smoked a few grey market weed analogues but that's it, he had never abused these chemicals.
It would have made more sense if it was cardiovascular problems or something at the level of the brain's pleasure system.
Although there was a chance to survive but with the amount of treatment, it just wasn't worth it so he just decided "fuck it".
Weirdly enough, the days after were the most peaceful possible, he had already moved appartments before multiple times but this time he rented a small home near that forest he used to trip in, there was no point in saving money anymore and his life was a peaceful one.
Returning to now, where he was laying under a willow tree with its willows gently swaying with the wind, a beautiful view of the lake with ducks swimming at its surface.
He kept looking as ducks finished their swims and jumped ashore, shaking their bodies to get rid of moisture before walking on the grass.
Although ducks all swam where they wished, one could see some were more social than others to degrees but overall they all dwelt together.
All except one duck who seemed almost dumb, he would swim randomly without any specific direction nor goal, he seemed almost always lost.
It became his hobby to watch him, they seemed like kindred souls, he could understand him.
He had fun seeing him stuck in random places or seeing him come ashore when all the other ducks had already gone back.
As he saw him swimming freely and being himself without any emotional conflict nor hesitation, all regrets and sorrow in his heart vanished like thin air.
"I have gone through so much, lived through so many ups and downs."
"It was a very messy life but it was truly worth it. alteast I lived the way I liked on my own terms. it was so fun, it was so unique. I never even expected to live this long but thank god, It was a truly worthy life."
As he said that, he laughed, he couldn't believe the absurdity of life, he couldn't even believe that this was actually reality.
Yet despite all his regrets vanishing, there was a small strand left, it seemed it was a regret but it wasn't a regret either, it was both a regret and a wish as well as a small almost invisible spark.
This small spark seemed to burn like a brilliant blaze but it was almost too small to notice.
As he said that however he felt his vision darken and his life and energy slowly weakening and being pulled away.
"Wtf! why now of all places? shit!"
As he felt the darkness pulling him away, all those pretty words vanished as he tried to resist with all his power yet it all seemed futile.
In the midst of it all, he felt a tinge of sorrow.
"Fuck! I wish I had lived more! I wish I had been more bold, done crazier things! lived a true life!"
"In the end, I was just a coward, I pretended to be strong but I am just a weak human being. Life absolutely swept me and I couldn't even resist it, now it takes even my life while I'm unable to do anything!"
As he thought that, he gritted his teeth and a rage arose in him.
"Fuck you! goddammit! why does my life have to be this way, no! I ain't fucking giving up yet!"
He tried to resist, he gritted his teeth and even veins appeared on his face yet it didn't change a thing.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! am I really gonna die?"
His heart sank when he felt his thought process slowing down and a darkness engulfing him.
While the darkness was engulfing him, a little spark in him, that little bit of pure rage inside him against life, against everything he had suffered suddenly lighted up.
"What is this?"
It grew more with intense emotions of hidden regret and sorrow as well as hatred and rage at this cruel world, it finally began to emit a bit of light.
He could finally resist a bit and pull his consciousness back!
Yet the moment he did so, the outside force began to absorb him with even stronger power!
"Fuck You!!!"
He screamed in his heart as the spark begin to emit an even bigger light.
At the climax of this back and forth of pulling and getting pulled, pulling and getting pulled..
He could finally see the perpetrator trying to absorb him.
It was a giant white light.
It was so blinding, he couldn't even look at it!
"Wtf is this? fuck!"
He kept struggling, he now knew the dangerous state he was in.
Yet as he was struggling, an idea suddenly popped in his mind,
"Wait, what? I am actually fighting to stay in this rotten world? even if I live, I would just die in a few more months."
"I was a coward before but I don't want to be a coward even in death for fuck's sake!"
"I will just have to risk it!"
As he said that the spark in him stopped resisting the pulling and used all its power instead to rush towards the white light!
"Hahaha!!! this is more like it! this is how life should be like! If I die this way, it will atleast be worth it!"
As he rushed forward suddenly all his memories began to emerge in his mind.
Even memories he didn't remember, his entire life flashed before him, from getting out of the womb to his parents loving him, to having fun with his family, friends...
Childhood, adolescence, adulthood. All those small beautiful moments hidden in the depth of his heart flashed before him as if to pull him back to this world.
A small hesitation appeared in his heart, this time he was truly leaving it all back.
A tinge of sorrow arised in his heart, he truly didn't want it to end it this way.
Yet from beginning to end, he didn't stop rushing for even an instant!
It wasn't because people betrayed him or he hated them, but his entire life, he had always felt this world wasn't made for him, he was made for more, for higher, he always dreamed of the beyond.
As he rushed forward, the white light suddenly stopped absorbing his consciousness yet he still rushed forward!
That white light had everything he ever wanted, it seemed to be what he had always searched for his entire life yet couldn't find.
He kept rushing forward!
Little by little, it became harder to approach the light, it seemed as if it was burning parts of him!
He felt the memories of his life slowly fading away as if they would be gone forever.
Yet he still didn't stop and kept rushing forward!
Suddenly a voice echoed in his mind, his own voice echoed back at him.
"Who are you?"
"Who are you?"
He couldn't be bothered to answer as he was still rushing.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?"
The voice became louder and more forceful.
He kept rushing anyway but it could be seen that his light was wavering and his speed was slowing, he was really struggling at this point.
The more he approached the light, the more he lost his memories however even that wasn't enough to stop him!
He just didn't want to stop, he truly didn't want to stop, this was his last chance, his last moment.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?"
"I don't know! I don't know!"
He screamed in his heart, he was so focused on reaching the light, he had entered it's direct periphary. He couldn't care less yet his own voice kept echoing at him.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?
"I don't know! I don't know!"
He was nearing the white light, he had gone almost blind by the whiteness but he didn't stop.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?
"I don't know!! I don't know!!"
He was about to reach the white light itself, he extended his arm about to touch it!
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?"
As he touched the light, he felt immense power coarsing through him as he felt he was merging with it as absolute pure whiteness shined its brightest engulfing him.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?
"I am..."
"I am..."
"I am Nameless."
Nameless at this moment died.
