happy face

What does happiness mean? I don't know what it means. I want to find out what it means. In middle school I always got bullied for not having any emotions. They thought I was a freak so I was always alone. It wasn't all that lonely because I got used to it. I always saw other people feeling happy, sad and other emotions. I knew what emotions were but I didn't know how to feel them. I could not express any emotions. I was a loner. My dad ignored me at the age of 4. That was the age I was diagnosed with this condition. `hi my name is ash bailey and I'm 16 years old nice to meet you all….`` I said with an emotionless expression, everyone talked about me but when i was close they would whisper about me was it ok? Was I someone to be interested with ? Why was everyone talking about me? when people would talk about me they would laugh and have this grin i didn't know what they were feeling, it was hard for me because I could not figure what anyone was feeling. It was difficult. Everyone would distance themselves from me. I could not figure out why they were like this. A few months later I realized what they were feeling but I couldn't feel those feelings. I still didn't know what they all mean but I can analyze what they are. I still don't understand it's confusing, it's too stressful. As I was sitting in my room I was trying to figure out this puzzle i bought with my money, it was hard but I still figured it out I tossed to puzzle to look at my phone, i picked my phone up I turned it on and the light shone bright and filled my whole dark room and it blinded me I covered my eyes "augh why is this so bright!" I yelled. I tried to open my eyes, but it was too bright. As I turned my brightness down I did my password. I looked at my social media, it turns out there will be a big social event in town everyone at my school will be there well mostly all. But that didn't matter. I got up and went to the kitchen. The next day I got dressed and when I went downstairs I saw my mom smiling. I think that's what it's called, "why are you feeling that emotion mom?" I said with a puzzled face she turned around and she said "oh ASH! Guess what" she said with a bright smile "uhh what" I looked around in confusion and looked at my mother "I have a bunch of cloths for the festival or something whatever it is, oh and we are going to the fair you are allowed to bring your friends if you want" my mother said with 'excitement' and handed me a big suitcase of clothes I carried them they were really heavy "thank you mom but don't you think this is a bit much this is heavy like really, but I don't think ill be going sorry" i said. I was trying to stay up on my feet. I looked at my mom and her expression went dim like how I was all the time. I look outside kids riding their bike playing with chalk or skateboarding and playing tag. The sun was shining and with the clear blue sky and the tall green grass. I look back at my mom "can you please go I want you to have more friend's and to be more social you know I was just like you until I found your father I want you to find someone special and people you care about" she said in a worried look I thought about what to say back and what i want to do i put a lot of thought in it, I thought about my mom's feelings it was hard but i think she was feeling eager or something but I think that's what she was thinking. I thought harder but i found my answer "fine I'll go to the festival and the fair but it your fault if I die" " you won't die ash but in glad you will go" she smiled while I had a emotionless 'smile I thought about what she said on how I'll find love I highly doubt it though. I took my suitcase of clothes to my room. I went up the stairs it was hard I almost fell down five times "damn it she didn't even bother to help me carry the suitcase" I mumbled I guess she wants me to be strong or something I put down the suitcase and sat on my bed I looked at my phone, my eyes widen to see someone posted a bunch of pictures of me in the caption it said 'my beautiful love' with a bunch of hearts what did that mean I put down my phone and opened the suitcase and when I opened it a bunch of clothing started overflowing I seen a note and the note was striking on a wallet I picked it up and read it in my head "my dear baby boy I want to give you 300 dollars so you can buy things at the festival and the fair here you go… god why do I need that much?" I opened the wallet and seen 300 dollars in it. I looked at all the clothes one caught my eye I took the ones that caught my eye and tried them on, it was a t-shirt with a red and black plaid shirt with jeans I liked it I think that's what they say when people find something interesting. I took off the clothes and put them in a safe place for the clothes I folded the rest of the clothes and put them away. I grabbed the suitcase and went down "hey mom here's your suitcase back" as I handed the suitcase back to her "oh thank you ash your a good son" as she smiled and i went back to my room and flopped on my bed "ugh what a boring day well I guess mostly everything is boring" I said out loud sighing I closed my eyes and thought about the festival and the fair I took a long breath and opened my eyes. I got up and went to look outside. It was really bright because my room is always dark as my eyes gestured to the bright clear sky. The trees are big and green, the grass green as ever, the clear sky with a single big white and fluffy cloud, the beautiful morning with children playing with each other. I got away from the window and I hopped on my bed i went on my computer and did my leftover homework before I knew it, it was dark I looked outside "oh i should get to bed" I closed my computer and put it on the computer charger. I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth, washed my face and went to bed. I put on aesthetic music and fell asleep. I dreamt about having feelings although i don't know what they really mean.

…. "damn what was that" I looked around and my eyes adjusted when my eyes adjusted to the dark I saw someone out the window "I- I think this feeling is called…" I stalled for a while still having this feeling my breath was short. Yes, I can feel certain things but not happiness, sadness or anger. I think that's what it's called oh and love? "Oh right this feeling is called scared I think? "my eyes widened as i saw the person trying to open the window "ok…I think this is true fear I'm glad I'm feeling more but.." I said to myself I sat up and the window was open "a sh- what do I do!" I said in a silent way. The figure came closer and closer. Whoever it was, what do they need with me? I'm just a nobody. The lights turned on and it was Kiminowarui nakame!? He was my classmate but no one liked him because they said he was creepy "ah ash there you are I knew you lived here" he said as he looked around with a smile "wow your a brat type one who gets whatever you want right? Anyways your room looks cool. Why are you so moody or with no emotions ``''I just am why are you here and how did you find me and no I am not a brat why did you come so late? ``I said while getting up. still tired eyes still adjusting "oh I wanted you to come with me to the festival and the fair!" he said with excitement he started rambling about who will go "geez your such a Japanese boy" i said while looking up at him I got up and looked at him in the eye he still had his creepy smile i sighed deeply while closing my eyes, I opened my eyes again and looked straight at him "fine we can go to the fair together but we need more people I think as a friend group i guess?"

"Great! I'm looking forward to being your friend ash! oh and let me find some others to go with".

What a pain I thought, I wonder who he's going to recruit to our group. It was late so Nakame stayed. We had to share a bed because he didn't like sleeping on the floor neither did I. I had this weird feeling I did not know of or felt it was….warm fuzzy i can't explain. The next day for some reason nakame was cuddling with me I still felt warm, i got out of his arms and got dressed I poked his nose to get him up his nose was cold unless it was my fingers, so I got close to his face and felt his nose with my lips and yes his nose was cold so i covered him up with the blanket. I went downstairs where I found my mom in the kitchen. I walked up to her and I looked at her "what are you making for breakfast?" I said her eyes gestured at me and put down her cooking utensils and folded her arms

"So who's that boy you were cuddling with last night?" she said with a smirk she started to blink intensely at me what she was doing was too eerie I blinked slowly "oh that's Nakame he came randomly last night and it was to dark outside so he stayed the night I guess" I said while taking a bite out of toast. After I ate I went to go wake up Nakame "Nakameee!" I gently yelled out to him, he slowly opened his eyes and slowly got up and started to blink slowly he smiled at me like I was a angel but i was just an emotionless mess i looked at him as if he were insane which he sorta is I could tell he had a happy face i sorta starred at him not noticing that i was, he closed his eyes and bit his lip as if he wanted to say something he opened his eyes and looked away i heard my mom eavesdropping "A-ash I-" he said "I- IM GLAD WE ARE FRIENDS!" he shouted out i could tell he wanted to say something else but I was not sure what he really wanted to say but i just shrugged it off

We both went down stairs to go eat breakfast. I saw my mom. She had a smile. She had just finished making breakfast and she made plates. I have already told Nakame that my mom knew that he was here. After we were done eating we got dressed and we went outside "nakame….. We have to play with the neighborhood kids. My mum said ``I said while slowly looking at nakeme while holding his shoulder he looked at me with a smile. I thought the kids would be afraid of him because of how creepy he is. "So where are the kids' ash?" he said while smiling, all creepy and he seemed too excited. Turns out he loves kids and he's really good with them. He told me. I didn't believe him at first "the kids will be out soon nakame" I said, he smiled brightly. When the kids arrived, Nakame giggled. When he giggled my face felt hot. After an hour of playing with the children, Nakame stretched and I yawned "getting tired nakame?" I said to him "heh you are too I saw you yawn" namame said with a grin. After all the children went home

Nakeme went home . After you could see the first star I went on top of the roof and layed down. I looked upon all the stars thinking of a poem I recently made although I struggled, I had to analyze the emotion's. I read aloud "the night sky, bright, silky, beautiful, starry, why is it so hard to find what I'm looking for? But if I did find you how would I approach you? Would I gaze from afar? Or from up close? Would you cry if I found another star to gaze at? Then would you pay attention to me? Would you fall for me? Would you at least try to stand out from all the other stars? Would you hold my hand when I'm scared?" I closed my eyes for a second and took a long deep breath. I opened my eyes again. There were more stars, there were lots looking like a milky way, the sky was dark but bright, there were many different colors in the sky my eyes never saw something such….. My mind stopped as I tried to find the word for this. As silence went by I remembered "b-beautiful" I said slightly. For some reason I wished Nakame was here but he would non stop talking. My eyes were heavy. I kept thinking about nakame for some reason. My mind drifted away to the beautiful sky.