1 [Cotton Eye Joe - 1]

//yup, guess I'm also doing this now. Very cool, I know. With an expansive harem list, some members that are introduced early may only fall in love later on in the story. Also, please keep in mind that just because they already did the deed with the MC doesn't mean I am going to constantly flock to the screen with them. The girls will appear as they are needed.

Harem:

-Lucy Heartfilia

-Erza Scarlet

-Juvia Lockser

-Levy McGarden

-Cana Alberona

-Mirajane Strauss

-Bisca Mulan

-Kagura Mikazuchi (maybe)

-Flare Corona (maybe)

-Realight Jenny (maybe)

PS: I'm not adding the Celestial Spirits into the harem... maybe...

I am repeating this yet again for those that are worried. I am publishing all of my books first before properly updating them. It's my own way of putting myself on track with what I want to do first. I have difficulty staying true to one story, so this way I am forcing myself to constantly change topics, keeping myself and my shitty attention span occupied.

This is a very stupid decision, as life is hard for a poor fuck like me. Don't do it, all you authors out there!

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John has lived a normal life. An extraordinarily simple, unfulfilling life. Yet, he was quite okay with that. Whenever life pushed him, he didn't push back but instead tended to himself in any shape or form that he could. If reality was a disappointment to him, then fiction was his escape. There was no greater gift than imagination, and for that John was thankful as he had plenty of it. Enough to write his own stories, however unsuccessful they were. But he didn't care. Fiction was his one true escape from reality, where he and only he was the king. Where he could be anything he wanted, from a harem king to a god. Where he could knock any hot babe he wanted.

That's right, John was a big dreamer, but an incredible under-achiever.

He didn't even get into a university, and barely managed to find a stable job at a retail store. His life was by no means easy, and he knew that very well. Some would argue that he ruined his future by keeping his mind occupied with things that couldn't be, but John didn't bother to listen. Whichever granted him some solace was welcome.

"Just a thousand this month, huh..." the tall, albeit not very fit male sighed under his breath as he looked at his phone while walking through the relatively empty streets of his hometown.

John's hair was brown, as were his eyes, he had no real eye-catching features and wasn't exactly handsome or ugly. He just was himself, a normal Joe living in a European country that didn't have the best economical standing at the moment. Still, he supposed it could be worse. John was on his way home where nobody waited for him. But he didn't mind that. He could be in peace and quiet at least.

John's character was difficult for many to gauge and relate to, as he was everything that a basic human shouldn't be. Humans are social creatures, with a few exceptions, and John... John fit right into those exceptions. He wasn't unfriendly by any means, far from it, but he would not go out of his way to befriend anybody. The same could be said for maintaining friendships. If it didn't involve calling him through Biscuitor then he was impossible to find.

Again, John did not give a single fuck though.

"...I should have some takoyaki for tonight, I'm craving some Japanese cuisine-"

-ROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-

"THE FUCK?!"

Almost immediately after he finished wondering out loud, a terrifying and ear-piercing screech echoed throughout the town, breaking windows and other glass structures for kilometres on end. A massive shadow was cast over the town. A low gurgle followed, like the sound of a stomach hungrily screaming into the atmosphere... which it might have actually been just that.

John as well as just about every other person in the town had looked up in sheer horror at the sight in front of them. Kilometres long and wide pink tentacles sprouted forth from what many first assumed to be a giant squid's head. However, upon closer inspection, it wasn't really a squid's head, but rather... a gigantic, blank white truck.

"WHAT IN THE FUCKITY'S FUCK'S FUCKING CUNT IS THAT?!" yelled one of the Scottish pedestrians.

"...Ah. So you have come for me... Truck... Tentacle... kun?"

-ROOOOAAAAR-

-CRUSH-

Those were John's last words as the giant... Truck Squid Kaiju(?) crushed him as well as many other people and entire buildings under one of its massive tentacles. On that day, giant monsters appeared across the world from deep within the ocean's depths. It also marked the day that humans embarked on a quest to close the rift leading to an alien dimension using giant mech robots that they named "Jaegers". Gypsy Danger being the most iconic of them all.

But John couldn't possibly care about that now as he was quite literally crushed into a bloody puddle. Such a... well, it's not really a shame, since John wouldn't contribute to the world regardless of his survival. He wasn't some hero with a conviction for world peace and love. He was just John. A dreamer of improbable dreams and hoper of far-flung hopes...

[Date of Death: 27.9.XXXX]

[Cause of Death: Kaiju Casualty]

[Cause of Deathbringer: God Fucked Up]

Whilst he knew he was death, John wasn't really... gone. His soul wasn't dissolved into oblivion, instead, it was merely transferred to another plane of reality where his every moment in life was documented and presented to him. Like a powerpoint presentation including pictures and gifs with small bullet points in each and every slide.

[Atheist -]

[Virgin +]

[Non-Aggressor +]

[Listless ~]

[Dreamer +]

[Low Expectations - High Hopes +]

[Horny -]

[Headstrong~]

[Friendly +]

[Self-Sufficient+]

[Good Deeds > Bad Deeds ++]

[Verdict...]

[Karma: GOOD -> EXCELLENT]

John couldn't help but blink his nonexistent eyes as the flashes finally neared the moment of his death, where he couldn't help but wince at the state of his body after it was crushed. He tried to cover his mouth, but he found himself without a hand... or an arm, or a leg. In fact, he was nothing more than a blue sphere floating in jet-black space.

"...Not very cash money..." even in this state, John couldn't help but joke around.

It was his coping mechanism, and sometimes, he even liked to imagine someone being there and laughing at his shitty jokes. That's how lonely he got sometimes... But he was yet unaware that there, in fact, was someone watching him. Every mortal man and woman had something akin to a "guardian angel", an entity of higher power that graded their every second of life with good points, ( + ) and bad points ( - ) to finally arrive at a conclusion when they died.

"Hello."

"Joe Biden- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" when John turned his nonexistent head his nonexistent eyes bulged out of his nonexistent sockets as he gazed upon what could best be described as Biblical monstrosity.

It was a giant eye surrounded by rings that had even more eyes and with giant white feathery wings sprouting from seemingly nothing. It was a biblically accurate angel, and holy shit was it terrifying this close. It was MASSIVE. It's voice boomed across the infinite beyond and yet managed to inflict no ill feeling towards John's psyche. It was merely the angel's appearance that struck fear within his... well... soul.

"Rude. I am .̷͔̘̮͑̉͌.̷̨̪̎͐͛͘.̸͙̞̣̰̏̉̔̕͝.̶̛̺̹̺͉̰̆͛̕, your evaluator."

"My what?"

The giant enigmatic entity almost seemed to sigh, "Your evaluator. A guardian angel, if you will. I recorded each and every moment of your life-"

"Say what?! EVEN WHEN I-"

"-Yes, even when you were masturbating to fictional women."

"AAAAAAA-"

"Quiet."

"ok I'm sorry."

"Consider yourself as lucky, your karma gradient rapidly leans towards the Good Karma."

"That's good right?"

"It's IN THE NAME you-"

"Okay jeez calm down."

"Sigh. The state of your Karma Gradient determines your place in the afterlife. The better it is, the better your eternity will be. However..."

"There's always a catch isn't there?"

The giant angel sighed yet again, an almost tired look appearing on its one gigantic unblinking eye. Angels don't have gender, and as such, their voices are difficult to put into words, as they are neither gentle nor firm. They are more like words that somehow appear in someone's head. Without emotion, without... anything really.

"Not exactly," the angle continued to explain, "Due to The Father making a slight... miscalculation, which is all your fault by the way-"

"My fault?! -Kobo Kanaeru voice- What do you mean?" almost on accident did John impersonate a vtuber, yep, totally accidental.

"The advancement of human race progressed much slower than The Father anticipated and-"

"And he fucked up."

"...Yes."

"Amazing..."

"I know. Even we were surprised, and very much not happy with all the damage control we have to do now. You see, you and those people weren't supposed to die yet. You were supposed to be killed by a speeding truck-"

"I smell an anime trope incoming."

"-But you, and many of those people living in your town as well as across the world, perished far too soon. As such, an unanimous decision was made to send your souls back to the Mortal Realm."

"That's a trash compensation."

"That's not the compensation."

Oooh, now this was starting to tickle John's fancy, if the conversation was going where he thought it was going then this might just be the best day of his life! Or... would be afterlife now? Hmmm...

"As compensation for The Father's mistake, you and those with Good Karma Gradient have been awarded the opportunity to choose your next life. Those who are Neutral or in the Bad Karma Gradient have been excluded from this compensation."

"OHOHOHOHOHO I DO LIKE THIS NOW! Okay, so first off-"

"Don't tell it to me John."

"Eh?"

"Tell it to him."

Turning around, John was greeted with a particularly terrifying sight of a gigantic, down right enormous multi-armed, multi-face angel with four wings. The angel had an uncountable number of giant arms and faces, each of its many hands held a giant wooden hammer, like those that a judge would use in a courtroom. Now, John wasn't floating in infinite blackness, but rather his soul floated above a beautiful stone pathway that lead to one circular stage he could see souls being smacked into what he believed to be oblivion. He also noted that there were multiple lines of souls waiting for their judgement, however, only he was in a line full of blue-coloured souls. There was also a line of purple and red souls, and one that was dull grey.

"Red means bad, purple is the equivalent of a war criminal. And grey is neutral,"explained the angel that was no longer ominously floating above John, but rather a miniature version of it seemed to be following him around, "Be patient. Everyone gets their chance for judgement."

"...Do I have to speak my wishes in front of everyone?" John inwardly cringed at speaking them out loud now.

"No. Your mind will be read before your immediate judgement will be issued."

"Ah okay cool. So, like, are there any limits?"

"Yes. What do you have in mind."

"Cosmic Fear Garou-"

"No."

"Hear me out first! Cosmic Fear Garou powers in a more handsome and young Roland Derchain."

"What does that even mean?"

"I wanna do cool space shit while lookin' like a cowboy okay?!"

"...There are no words in the Thesaurus that can possibly describe the swirling amount of confusion and cringe coursing through my existence."

"Ha, made you say cringe!"

"...pain."

John's guardian angel was seriously applying for a mortal exchange, because John was way too much pain for him to deal with. And in all honesty, John was actually having some fun messing with this angel. It was entertaining, although a bit terrifying since he believed it could end his existence at a moment's notice.

"...This is gonna take a while."

"Yes."

John couldn't help but impatiently look around the place as he saw many other souls with their own guardian angels, probably conversing, but he couldn't understand them. Interesting, but not enough to keep him occupied for the time being. The line wasn't even that long, thank god for that good karma, it was just that John was impatient. Really, impatient.

"...So can you like-"

"No."

"ok."

It was evident that the angel didn't want to so much as talk to John, and he could understand that. Although, it was still a bit awkward. The silence was somewhat bearable, but again, John's impatient inner weeb was far too hyped to get his oh-so-desired isekai journey started. He was going to be the coolest fucker around! Get all the bitches! Fuck the child support and taxes cuz he ain't payin'! That's how cool he will be.

"The world truly is an unjust place if someone like you can get into the Good Karma Gradient..."

"Eheh... ehehehehe." -Kobo Kanaeru laughter intesifies-

"Can you NOT impersonate that gremlin?"

"Ehe-EHEHEHEHEHE!"

"...God... Father... why?"

"EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

Well, at least John had a source of entertainment for the few minutes that he had to wait in line, of course every single second was at the expense of his guardian angel's sanity. Sometimes, even divine beings themselves can be surprised by the sheer stupidity of humans, but John's guardian angel actually believed that the man was smart enough to realise that annoying him will not yield any good or bad karma points. The truth was though... that John was too dumb to do something like that. Finally, after what felt longer than an eternity for the angel, it was John's judgement time.

"Go on."

"Right, right, so do I just-"

"Do nothing, merely go onto the altar. Your wishes will be fulfilled to the best of the Heaven's abilities."

"Awesome-"

-THUNK-

The moment John's soul so much as touched that platform, his soul was eviscirated from that dimension by a massive hammer, leaving behind absolutely nothing. His guardian angel couldn't help but sigh in contempt before giving the much more colossal entity a thankful nod of his giant eye and leaving.

Back with John, his whole vision was filled with what appeared to be a... tunnel of just about every colour imaginable. Like a starship travelling through hyperspace, only a lot more colourful. A more accurate example would probably be the Bifrost Bridge from Marvel.

"IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE TRIPPING ON ACID AND METH SEE AND FEEL?!"

John's very existence was reshaped as he traversed across dimensions and worlds. A whole new genetic structure was orchestrated to his wishes, a brand new fleshy coffin constructed for his soul. Clothes and special affinities were then added to the mix, creating a potent variation of many different cultures. Then, it was all over before John could even properly inspect himself. He was expecting pain to flood his body at some point, but no such thing happened. The only changes he experienced were the additions, or rather reattachment of limbs and much greater sense of awareness.

It wasn't long before he felt his weight hit against the hard ground feet-first. His knees briefly buckled before he regained his sense of balance. Looking around, he saw that he was yoinked into a convenient forest. How original. Still, he couldn't stop a giddy laugh from escaping his throat as he inspected himself. Yep, he'd recognise this cowboy getup anywhere. The book variation of Roland Deschain single-handedly took the spot of the coolest gunman he had ever seen. Not to mention that the desperado look was just amazing in his eyes. Feeling around his pockets, he found a single note that said:

"Hope you have fun. Tweaked your ideas around a bit."

- UwU Judgement

...

...

...

"What."