Chapter IV (Denial)

Choi Min was startled with the call he had received. The doubts inside him were battling whether he would answer it or not. Moving his gaze towards the girl in front of him, he looked at her intently with those warm eyes. He can't managed to talk. His eyes were full of warmth that Kianna herself couldn't understand why. Minutes later, the phone rang continously and for a moment Kianna broke the staring contest they had.

"I think you have to answer the call" she calmly said.

"Uh, yeah. I have to go first, I have to answer this" Kianna nodded. She straightened up and didn't peeked at him. Looking down she thought, why was he asking then?

"Take your time, I'll have to go back later too. Thank you for ton-" she looked around but she couldn't find him anymore. Kianna got up from the bench she was sitting in, looked around of the park. She marched around the park, occasionally glancing at every corner of it. But she couldn't find him anymore. She couldn't figure out how quick he was.

Kianna shook her head. Why would she even care? She realized. In the back of her mind , she wondered how mysterious Choi Min was and his random act confused her.

She walked slowly as the cool air receded towards her. Cars passed by as she waited in the pedestrian lane waiting for the green light. She held her hands tight and brushed it together, trying to fight the cold. Car passed, another came by and another. She waited and then the go signal reflected. Running her fingers towards her hair she started pacing towards the end of the lane. She inhaled deeply. Walking to the apartment, she hoped she can get back home as soon as possible. Kianna stared at the corner of the building, she watched a couple of friends went by, and some were standing at the entrance. She wandered at the corner closely looking for a clue whether Choi Min could be here, she wanted to thank him. Without a minute she recognized the person standing at the corner talking to a girl that looked very familiar. She couldn't barely see her face due to darkness invaded the right corner of the building.

Kianna could tell, Choi Min was in a deep conversation with the fine lady. She was startled to see him hugging the woman in front of him. She was aware Choi Min didn't notice her passing by.

She walked fast towards the elevator and pressed the button to her unit. She imagined how Choi Min embraced the girl, she couldn't figure out what's their relationship was but seeing them hugging each other, she couldn't stop but got curious. She stood silently, waiting for the elevator to close. Her thoughts turned to what she saw. She realized how comfortable Choi Min was with the lady.

"Wait!" She saw Choi Min coming towards her, she stood still without uttering a single word. She focused herself with her phone instead.

"I thought you stayed there for awhile" he uttered trying to divert her attention. Kianna was so conscious that Choi Min was watching him. She didn't reply, still in her mind why would he even care? She turned her face a little and gave him a weary smile.

"Ah, I suddenly realized it's too cold outside" she made excuses. She hated herself that she couldn't stop answering.

"I see, next time bring more thicker coat" she froze as Choi Min suddenly put his coat on her. She didn't move for a moment. Her face slowly flushed. She couldn' t move nor say something. Inside her was battling. She begun to shiver and her heart started to beat fast that she couldn't look at him. They stood there silently, without looking back Kianna moved forward as soon as possible breaking the pressure between them.

"Professor Lee?" She heard him say.

"Huh?" She replied silently without looking back.

"I came to tell you- I came to tell you that if there's anything I could help you, you must tell me."

Her mouth was died, she couldn't find words to reply him. She wasn't sure whether she would thank him or keep the silence between them.

"Don't worry I can handle myself." Kianna said slowly. As soon as the door opened she got off from the elevator leaving Choi Min unanswered. The shock invaded her soul. She run as fast as she can and entered her unit.

Choi Min' eyes were locked towards her, he could figure out the sudden behaviour she had showed. Choi Min watched her go, he was totally aware that Kianna watched him earlier at the corner. He couldn't help himself but smiled a little for Kianna's sudden behaviour. His smile stretched wide.

"I just hope you'll remember me" he said and went off.

Kianna stood in the middle of the living room, holding her hands together in her chest. She froze for a moment. She inhaled deeply and tried to cope herself up.

"What was that? That was insane." She muttered. She glanced around, somewhere in the part of her brain, she flashed on the images that happened in the elevator. She shook her head. "Stop it, Kianna it doesn't make sense." Kianna braced herself and went to her bed. The more she thought about it, the clearer his image formed inside her head. She forced herself to shake off the good image that Choi Min showed him, slowly and deliberately, she fell into a deep sleep.

Kianna was standing and holding her own fist. She stared open-mouthed with the young boy in front of her. The young boy was begging her and pleaded her mercy, asking her to forgive him. Her head was up and then she looked straight before him.

"Kianna stop it!" She could barely heard the voice behind her. Tears were flowing from the boy's eyes. His dark brown eyes were full of agony. Kianna was left standing and gripping the boy's hand with her bare hands. Blood flowed over his tiny little fingers. She watched his tears.

"Kianna, stop it! Stop it, please!" the boy in front of her had not moved. Without a moment a hand touched her shoulder her eyes where in shocked. A smile spread slowly across her face and slowly glared at the person behind her.

Her eyes were drifted.

"Yoora?" Kianna looked at Yoora. Tears were falling down from Yoora's face. She was shocked to see her friend stopping her.

"I can't forgive you"

"Yoora?" The word died in her lips. Her sight was failing, her throat tightened. She couldn't move her body and sweats were covering her face. Her hands were trembling, she wanted to wake up but couldn't. That moment she realized she's having a sleep paralysis.

Without a minute, she glanced above the well- ceilinged bedroom. Her heart was trobbing fast and hands were trembling. She can't think of anything. Kianna tried to remember the details from the nightmare she had and wondered why she acted like that, and why Yoora was there. She sat up and looked at the clock behind her phone on the table next to her bed. It was five in the morning. Her dream was so vivid that she remembered the boy's face. It was so innocent and young with a mole on his neck. His eyes were as brown as chocolate. She wondered whether she had seen before, but she couldn't figure out when. Then she realized it was the boy in her dream before.

"Who's that boy? Why he kept reappearing in my dream?" She got up from her bed and slipped her feet with her slippers. Her eyes were dazzled a bit when the lights from the flourescent peirced her eyes. With her head felt heavy, she managed to walk to the fridge and get herself a bottled water.

"How could I explain this? Why do I felt like I've done something wrong before?" She drained the bottle water and fill herself with it. She glanced away and the mole on the boy's neck flashbacked inside her head.

Searching for the right word, she was unsure of herself anymore and what kind of person is she. The worry inside her merged up with the fact about herself. She shook her head with the thought.

"It was just a dream, nothing more." Kianna went to the bathroom and settled herself for school.

Driving to the school, she heard her phone vibrated. She looked at her missed calls and saw that there were four calls from her mother. She doesn't have any intentions to ignore her calls, it just that she couldn't manage herself and the possible reactions if she would hear another story from them. She couldn't bear it anymore, she thought. Her phone buzzled again, and it was from Yoora. She answered.

"Uhm?" Her voice were emotionless.

"Where are you now?" There was roughness in Yoora's voice.

"I'm on my way? Why? Something wrong?"

"You need to get here now." Her eyes wondered hearing Yoora's concerned voice.

"Why?"

"You'll know soon, hurry"

"I'm taking a drive, tell me something wrong?" she pleaded.

"You must see yourself" her words hung and paused for a moment. Kianna didn't say anything.

"Yoora, you can tell me."

"Trust me, you have to see it yourself." Kianna tried to understand what was Yoora's saying but hearing her reaction, she's anxious and worried.

"Ok, I'm almost at school" she closed her eyes for a moment and pictured Yoora's troubled face.

"No, not at school here at my place" Kianna wondered why at her place?

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." Kianna drove up to Yoora's residence and honked the horn when she arrived. She was silent when she was about to ring the bell. She turned her direction to the driveway as she waited for Yoora to opened the door for her. She was standing still and looking straight to the direction. The cool air receded and it was stifling her again.

The long wait ended when Eunwoo opened the door for her. He greeted Kianna with a tender smile showing his tender affection towards her.

"Good morning, where's Yoora? Something wrong?" She asked. Instead of replying, Eunwoo grabbed her hand and led her to the living room. Kianna looked at the living room. She saw Yoora sitting on the sofa talking to man. Eunwoo silently signaled Kianna to keep her pace slow. She saw them laughing and having a deep conversation.

"Oh, here you are" Yoora exclaimed when she saw Kianna and Eunwoo approaching them. The man stood and slowly moved his head, looking at Kianna's direction. Kianna, was puzzled for a little. Her eyes were still locked on his gaze.

"Wo...Wo Jin?"

"That's right, I came to see you." Kianna followed Eunwoo into the living room and gave herself a nice seat.

"What is this all about?" Kianna felt expectant especially when confronting the person who knew better with her conditions.

"Your brother called me to check on you. I know you won't let me in if I'll come to your place so I put a small excuse using your friend." He put a shaky smile towards her. Kianna felt she was too sick upon hearing his explaination.

"But wait, how did you know Yoora's place?"

"Contacts" he said shaking the phone in his hand.

Kianna didn't expect this. The person whom she had been wanting to hear from, for the last seven years came to see her. She looked at Yoora. Wo Jin, was her theraphist and the person who was always with her when she was forgetting things and helps her remember a little detail about herself.

Kianna thought that her world would end when Wo Jin left to focus on his career in other country. Even her families never stood a chance to stop Wo Jin from living. That day when Wo Jin left Kianna thought, the world despised her and no one included her family would ever listened to her. Wo Jin was the only person she knew who would never stop answering her endless questions. But, he left her without reason and doing so made her more mesirable over the years coping up with things that she barely know, including her identity.

"I think you two, need a talk" Yoora cut the awkward atmosphere evolving between them.

Kianna felt a little blissful seeing him, but something inside her stopped her from doing so. She was a little furious for what he had done to her. Leaving her without notice made her feel hopeless about herself. He owed her an explaination.

"I have to go, I'll still have classes to attend to" she directly walked out without leaving a single trace of herself. Yoora run after her and reached for her arms when she was about to open the door.

"Kianna, you need him" Kianna looked at Yoora in the eye. Anger started to heat up inside her eyes. She held Yoora's hand and gripped it.

"It's not your decision to tell me so!" She pushed her hand away and walked out from Yoora's place leaving them speechless.

She run towards her car. Stopping for a moment she realized she couldn't stand to see him for a moment. The trust and hope she had been keeping was crampled and now she just can't open up herself with him again.

She fasten her seatbelt and drove her car as fast as she could. All this time, even though Yoora and Eunwoo were always there and they had shared things between themselves, but she just couldn't figure out what's going on inside their minds. She never questioned it, she never realized how vicious she was, seeing Wo Jin. Kianna never knew that after seven years Wo Jin would come to see her.

Arriving at the school campus, she avoided gazes from the students she met. Kianna raised her head and gleaned at the school ground hoping to ease the boiling anger inside her. When she was calm to start her day and attend her class, a smile formed on her face and made her way to the faculty room. She opened the glass door and entered the room. She had ten minutes of peace before her class. She took a deep sigh and reached the documents on her table.

She needed to look at some information with her students. She realized she still have to seek and gather some information with her students. An expressionless look descended on her face as she scanned the documents.

"Good morning Professor Lee" she looked at door curiously and found Professor Park staring at her. She smiled at him trying to look normal as possible.

"Good morning Professor Park" she said cordially turning her gaze to the documents in her hand. She reread the papers and stumbled with a very interesting data.

"Choi Min" she uttered. She looked at the data and found, it was lacking. Some information were not clearly stated.

"He lived in Incheon" she looked at his birthdate and that made her stopped for a moment.

"January 15 1994." She analyzed his age.

"He's twenty seven. I'm a year older than him.." she stumbled over her words.

"Haven't you noticed he looked young with his age?" A touched at her elbow and Yoora's voice made her jump.

"Yoora?" She utterly said.

"I'm so sorry earlier, I should have told you" Yoora said with a shaky smile, lowering her head and sat beside her. Kianna sat in silence, wondering again whether she would reply her or not.

"I don't want to talk about it now, we'll talk about it later" she briefly said. Kianna rose and walked to the exit. Ignoring Yoora as of the moment is what she needed now and beside she doesn't have much time discussing it with her. Yoora didn't asked more. She knew perfectly how shocked and furious Kianna was. Running into the man, Kianna aimed to forget isn't a good idea.

After a few moments, Kianna was pretty aware she was being watched by Yoora as she entered the office. She reached for her phone and avoided her glance. She looked away, pretending she hadn't noticed.

Distracted, she turned and found her phone vibrated. An unknown number sent her a message.

I'm so sorry for what happened earlier, I hope I can see you tonight.

She stiffened angrily. Kianna looked around the office.

"I'll talk to you later"

She heard Yoora before she saw her leaving. It was impossible for her not to settle things out.

Two minutes later, she went to her psychology class. She saw Eunwoo waiting for her at the entrance of the session hall.

"How are you?" Eunwoo asked.

"I'm okay" Kianna said passing him.

Eunwoo hold her hands and, pressed her palm with his two hands.

"I'm so sorry I should have told you."

Without replying, Kianna lossen her hand and looked at him intently with rage in her eyes.

"Let's talk about it outside the school premise, it's very inappropriate for you to hold my hand." He let go of her hands. It took a second for Eunwoo to let her words sink in and went to his class. Kianna thought, it's good that Eunwoo didn't take psychology class. She just couldn't bare seeing him at this hour.

Minutes later the class was filled with rumbling and murmuring sounds coming from the students who were entering the class. They shut their mouth seeing Kianna sitting at the demonstration table waiting for her students to fill up the room.

Kianna started the class by looking at them intently. So lost in her thoughts, she shook her head and braced herself. She looked at the corner of the room and found herself staring at Choi Min who's looking at her coldly. She found it distracting and unreasonable. His way too cold and suddenly became warm? What's with him? She thought.

"I'm glad everyone's here and it was good to find you all in a good state of mind" She smiled and shrugged for moment. She just couldn't convince herself that she wasn't in the mood at all. Knowing that she's handling a class, she has to pretend she's totally fine.

She started the class with an open debate. She walked down the hall and started telling them a short story.

"There's a man named John who was diagnosed with cancer, he couldn't stand to see his wife and children worrying about him..." Kianna stood for a moment.

She pasued for moment and glanced at the room. "...so he started telling them he was doing fine and that he was fully recovered. He stared telling them lies, making them believe everyday he was really fine. The family started to have a small party to celebrate his recovery. Minutes later, before the dinner the wife found his husband lying on the floor with no sign of life at all." She said.

"Now, how do you explain his behavior? Is his behavior acceptable at all?" Then a man raised his hand.

"Yes, Kim Tae Hyun?"

"Well, the mind usually deals with dealing difficult feelings and that's the reason why we tend to have defense mechanism." Kianna stared at Kim Tae Hyun as he discussed his point.

"For instance, people usually fall into denial where we tend to avoid the painful reality though we are aware of it. And the most painful is not accepting the reality. And that's how we trick ourselves. I think what he did is just a matter of defence mechanism. It may sound foolish knowing that he fooled his family all this time but our mind has it's capabilities to control our behavior and defended us from that painful reality. I think his behavior is acceptable at all. He protected his family from worrying." Kianna nodded with his idea.

"Ahha?" Then other student raised her hand. Kianna knew this young lady would negate with his idea.

"Well I'm pretty sure we all have our defense mechanism regardless of our differences and point of views. White lies is one example that triggers denial. We tend to deny things to cover up or protect something and I think that it isn't a problem to avoid the painful reality when our motive is to protect, it doesn't sound bad at all." She clearly said. Kianna thought she would object to his idea but ended up agreeing to it.

"Well that was pretty well said." There was a tough of words exchanged between students. The class was in awed when Choi Min raised his hand. Kianna glanced at him and without a doubt gave him the chance to share his insights.

"I have known this person for a decade and the thing is this person doesn't remember anything. Well, I think her defense mechanism is just so severe." He said and the students burst into laughing.

"Well, it depends on the situation. You have to undergo thorough investigation and seek more evidences whether that person is having defense mechanism or something else. You can't judge someone else depending on the what you see or hear. Think about it as case, seek for evidences. Afterwards make a conclusion."

"So would it be better to make some testing"

"If possible." Choi Min chuckled for a little.

"Well, that's interesting."

"Regression, blocking, denial, projection, splitting, somatization and displacement are some of the things we need to observe to figure out how humans perform defense mechanism." Kianna summarized the things to be considered when a person is having a defense mechanism. The students were divided into teams to discuss about this matter and further seek more evidences through research.

"If possible, you can investigate someone's case."