1 My Worst Enemy is Me

More tears, they never end.

Every day, when I'm alone in my room, my eyes draw up the water in my body and drain it out of me until my eyes go dry. It's disgusting, really, staining my face with some weird salty water that my organs need, making my eyes all puffy and red, and for what? I'm happy with my life. I've nothing to complain about...am I just ungrateful? I try to appreciate everything I have, to never take my position in life for granted.

I live at home with my parents, commuting to and from college on the week days. I'm at the top of the class in my university, 4.0 as an International Studies major and working on my TESOL certificate in place of a minor.

I am fluent in Korean, thanks to my classes and wonderful international friends. My parents have provided a great life for me so far and I have good relations with them.

Shoot, I even have a fantastic boyfriend!

Levi and I have been dating for about 6 years now, since Freshman year of High School when we both hit it off after pairing up for auditions in our school's Drama Club. We made a great pair, always landing some sort of role in the productions. Sometimes we were support characters or in the choir, but other times we would manage to land lead roles.

He's helped me so much, turning me into the much more effective and likable person I am today!

Sure, my friends and family are skeptical of him, claiming I've changed a lot since we've been dating, but that's normal: everyone changes who they are in relationships and makes sacrifices so that things will work. I'm only doing what makes me a good girlfriend, so it makes me feel good to know that I'm playing out my role to the best of my ability.

I'm happy, I am. He's helped me grow out of my shell; be more outgoing and interesting. That's a good thing, everyone always says so.

I try my best in everything I do. Is my best simply not good enough? Must be my female hormones; Levi says they make all girls emotional and that's why so many of us are more fragile than men.

He's so sweet, always looking out for me by telling me when I'm being impulsive, impatient, or just generally a bitch. It's better to hear it from someone you love before it becomes a problem, after all.

So, really, I'm happy. There is no reason for me to be-

"Neol wihaeseoramyeon nan seulpeodo gippeun cheok hal suga isseosseo. Neol wihaeseoramyeon nan apado ganghan cheok hal suga isseosseo...." Fake Love by BTS began to play on my Spotify. 'For you I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad. For you I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt' is about what those opening words translate to.

Powerful and relatable: true love is about sacrificing everything for the one you love, allowing yourself to suffer if it makes them smile. Not that I've had to, of course, because I'm only happy and confident around Levi.

Spotify had been playing all along, but I honestly hadn't been paying attention to it because, up until now, everything had been upbeat. I'd been playing my KPop list on shuffle to try to cheer me up; sometimes it works, but other times, like this one, it falls on deaf ears and my feminine feelings just seem to drown it out.

Goodness, I love BTS! Their songs are so different from most of the other ones, with positive messages and how they just seem so...genuine. I love to hear the passion in their words, especially being able to understand what they're saying. They're such an inspiration that even their sadder songs usually elicit a smile from me.

But not this song.

Being able to understand the words makes it all the more painful, for some unknown reason.

Just when the water had started to leave my body at a slower pace, new water was apparently pulled from somewhere else because it felt like a dam had just broke somewhere in my body. Where was all this water coming from? I really don't remember drinking this grand amount of fluids today-

I curled my knees up to my chest, sitting atop my bed, and rested my forehead against them. "I'm happy." A desperate utterance that faded into the air of my bedroom.

It was an honest statement...so why did it sound so unconvincing?

How pathetic and disgusting...no wonder Levi monitors who is allowed to be around me and for which amounts of time: if I can't even be resolute in my honest feelings, how am I supposed to do anything else properly for myself in the social world?

I'm so lucky I have him to guide me in the right directions; I'm so fortunate that he's patient enough to tolerate me.

"Love you so bad. Love you so bad. Neol wihae yeppeun geojiseul bijeonae. Love it's so mad. Love it's so mad. Nal jiwo neoui inhyeongi doeryeo hae...."

Ouch.

Why is my breathing suddenly so restricted?

It hurts and it's frightening; I don't like it.

'Love you so bad. Love you so bad. Mold a pretty lie for you. Love it's so mad. Love it's so mad. Try to erase myself and make me your doll' was roughly that translation. That should be cute, though...Levi' nickname for me is 'doll'; I think it's a really cute pet name.

Goodness, though, this song really has a weird effect on me. I wish I could ask BTS what they were thinking when they wrote this song and what it means to them; that would be cool.

Oh, but...Levi doesn't like me enjoying any one band or artist too much, so I have to pretend to be a casual fan around him.

I'm going to Korea next week with some students from my school as a field trip for International Studies majors and minors, like myself; majors obviously received priority and earlier applications. I'm so excited to see what's in store for me there!

I had to assure Levi that the BTS concert happening there isn't included in the field trip, though: he doesn't like me attending concerts without him because of how much I need to be protected and guided.

It's a little sad, but I understand and appreciate it. It's my own fault for being this way, after all.

The song is over now.

With a heavy sigh, I get out of bed and go off to take a shower before it's time to sleep: I can't have myself looking weak or crazy tomorrow for school, after all.

I don't want to ever embarrass Levi like that; he deserves so much better.

[ To be continued, next chapter.... ]