1 1) Self Observation: Emma

"Oh my word! I think that I might be gay!"

Emma sat dead straight up in her bed. She turned towards the partly open bedroom door to see if anyone had heard the self-accusing statement that she had proclaimed into the darkness. It appeared as if nobody had, as the entire house was draped in a blanket of ghostly silence, which was not surprising since it was 2:26am.

Emma flopped backwards against her pillow, allowing a sigh of relief to escape from her lips. She wiped the beads of sweat from her forehead, and tried to forget the dream that had awoken her so suddenly.

This was not happening to her! This could not be happening!

It sort of made sense though. All the feelings that Emma had fallen prey to over the past year added up to this sudden revelation that she had had. I mean, if she had to be honest, it had been on her mind for quite a while…

Not in the forefront of her mind though, but definitely a thought that had been bothering her for quite some time. It was horrible to have to question something without having the answer to her problem.

It had started to show in subtle ways. Admiring female movie stars more than male celebrities was definitely a sign. I mean, she had never been attracted to any male celebrity not even when the "One Direction" phase was predominant in all pre-teen and teen girls. She could not see how anyone thought them "hot". Swooning over an unrealistic person seemed so unattractive to her.

Then there was the her fascination with the LGBTQ+ community that she had had for years, just an active ally she had though, but now she was not so sure anymore. Maybe she had idolized the them too much, wished to be one of the community to often, and now she really was. Had she brought this upon herself?

She had always told herself that what she felt was just a maternal love for Mrs Arense. Thinking otherwise was positively ridiculous and a result of her mind over thinking things, AGAIN, but after the dream that she had just had… she was not so sure any more.

Mrs Arense was…well "hot". Emma hated the use of that colloquial word, but it certainly seemed to be a very good description for the attractive young teacher.

She had red-brown, shoulder length hair that always looked clean and neat in her prim appearance. You just got those types of people who always looked perfect no matter what they are wearing, doing or their state that they were in. Mrs Arense was one of those people.

Her eyes were dark and glistening, with a mysterious air to them. The best was when she gave that perfect smile that broke the serious frown that she always wore, then, Emma felt like her heart was melting.

"Why am I thinking like this!" Emma groaned inwardly.

She was smart enough to know that having a crush on a teacher was a stupid predicament, although not totally abnormal in teenagers. Yet, any fool could see that a relationship between a teacher and student would never work anyway.

She had read on the internet, that children in primary and high school tend to have "crushes" on their teachers. When children are young, they will idolize their parents, but after puberty hits, they often turn to other people to idolize. These chosen role models were usually teachers.

Despite this knowledge, she felt guilty for having such feelings, especially towards someone who had helped her so much. Somehow, she could not control her own thoughts though. They seemed to be leaking from her head in a constant stream like water from an open faucet.

If only she could control this awful mind of hers!

It was like a runaway train on most occasions. Sometimes she felt as though her brain was not part of her body and did things against her will. It was so damn frustrating to have the constant hum and chatter of her busy brain, not to mention the useless input that it continuously gave in all social situations.

Emma had social anxiety, which had a major and detrimental impact on all her relationships and especially on her school life. Although sixteen years old, Emma was yet to have a true friend. She felt frustrated with herself for not being able to keep any relationships with her peers.

Her mind's eye flashed to a vivid image of her lips meeting the rosy lips of Mrs Arense. It felt so delicate, so perfect…

"Stop it!"

Emma pushed the incriminating image from her crowded mind, but she could not completely ignore the desperate desire she had to lay her lips on a pair belonging to that of a beautiful female, and kiss them as softly as one touches the delicate petals of a blooming red rose.

She hated feeling controlled by these emotions, by this lust that she felt. She knew that lust was wrong, no matter the circumstances and it made her feel so uncomfortable. It was a powerful impulse that had latched onto her brain with its evil claws, it was a burning desire that made her feel weak an inferior to it's commanding presence.

It was wrong. Lust was wrong. She was wrong.

"Goodness, it sounds like I actually want to have a girlfriend!" Emma thought to herself.

She did not want a girlfriend of course…okay, it would be nice… but she was not even 100% sure that she was gay yet. It was just a thought, right? Surely a vivid dream could not amount to any definitive evidence?

Emma lay her head back down on the pillow and tried to fall asleep again. The pale lilac walls of her small, square bedroom seemed to creep closer and glowing eyes peered at her through the claustrophobic darkness.

"Gay, gay!" they whispered "You're gay and nobody will love you anymore, once they know who you truly are!"

Silence seemed like an unlikely wish as the voices surrounded her in a terrifying mist, but still she tried desperately to block out their jeering remarks.

She clasped her hands tightly over her ears, but the voices only screamed louder. They seemed more determined to poison the already polluted streams of her broken mind.

The constant chatter of her over-active brain nearly drove her berserk! Was she going crazy?

"Crazy, crazy, crazy!" echoed her brain in uncanny reply "You're going crazy!"

"Shush!" She hissed into the darkness.

Despite knowing all too well that they were only part of her mind, she was still afraid that someone else would hear them too.

She was completely lost between the world of reality and the world of insanity. Unable to escape its cruel grasp, unable to tell which reality was hers at the current time. Unable to think rationally.

Vivid images appeared in her mind of her family cruelly abusing her, as she tried in vain to explain her feelings and emotions to them. It revealed her darkest, most desperate fear and becoming vulnerable to the cruel, heartless society that surrounded her. The unforgiving world that she was so use to. She feared that everybody would hate her and she would be left homeless, a failure for life.

She tried to close her eyes and fall asleep, but the voices only screamed louder and louder and the walls crept closer and closer. She tried to block out the unkind, distasteful words that they spat at her.

Who were these beastly voices that screamed at her in the dead of night, that insulted her during exams, that made her unsure of her existence.

Who were they and why did they choose to hurt her? What had she done wrong to make the universe hate her so much?

With a deep, throated sob, she buried her head in her dampened pillow and quietly cried herself into a disturbed slumber.

Why did she have to have so many problems in her sixteen years of existence when some people seemed to have none?