16 Kiss/Bang Marry Kill
Plot: None. Just Loki, Mantis, and Quill playing kiss/marry/kill. The first part is kiss/marry/kill and is firmly PG. The second part is bang/marry/kill and leans on the inappropriate side. The characters are mixed up differently if you want to read both.
Tone: Humourous
Kiss/Marry/Kill
Han Solo/Palpatine/Obi-Wan
Quill: Oh no, Loki has to choose between his two loves :O
Loki: They're fictional, Quill.
Quill: Your fictional loves then >:)
Loki: Why do I even try?
Mantis: We're all killing Palpatine right?
Loki: Yes!
Quill: He sucks.
Mantis: Okay, marry Han, and kiss Obi-Wan.
Quill: Han was a really shitty husband. I'd marry Obi-Wan.
Mantis: Yeah, but marriage is illegal for Jedi. I don't wanna do that to Obi. I'll just kiss him :)
Loki: No one would care after most of the Jedi are dead. I'm marrying Obi-Wan and kissing Han. Obi-Wan could use some company on Tatooine.
Quill: And maybe if he had a significant other he wouldn't have aged so poorly.
Mantis: Seriously, how did he age THAT much is nineteen years?
Quill: Ewan McGregor was poorly cast.
Loki: Falsehood! He probably just aged poorly due to all the trauma he experienced, and the fact that he was alone for so long in a desert.
Quill: Eh, fair enough.
Boba Fett/Count Dooku/Poe Dameron
Quill: Don't remember who Count Dooku is so I'm just gonna kill him.
Loki: He was the old sith lord in the prequels that Anakin killed in Revenge of the Sith.
Quill: Oh yeah, definitely kill him.
Loki: Yeah…
Mantis: Agreed!
Loki: Then kiss Boba Fett and marry Poe.
Mantis: Yeah, I can agree with that.
Quill: What?! I'm marrying Boba Fett! He was an awesome bounty hunter.
Loki: And Poe was an awesome Resistance pilot.
Quill: Yeah, he's too tied down to one place! I could travel the galaxy with Boba Fett.
Mantis: Whatever floats your ship.
Jabba/Snoke/Jar Jar
Mantis: Oh god.
Quill: I'm gonna barf.
Loki: Please don't.
Quill: This is so gross!
Loki: Can I just kill all of them?
Mantis: After you kiss and marry them. Ugh.
Loki: Well, I want Jar Jar dead the most.
Quill: I want to kill Jabba! He messed with Leia!
Mantis: He messed with all of them. I'll kill Snoke. He tortured and manipulated Ben!
Loki: I suppose I'll… kiss Snoke and marry Jabba?
Quill: Explain.
Loki: Jabba had control of that… place on Tatooine. I could control it after he's dead.
Mantis: Fair enough. I'd marry Jar Jar. At least he's not evil.
Loki: Unless the sith lord Jar Jar theory is true.
Quill: You know, I would actually like him a lot more if that were the case.
Mantis: Then I guess I'm kissing Jabba. Ew.
Quill: And me… Kill Jabba… oh god, marry Snoke and kiss Jar Jar. Snoke sort of had control over the galaxy? Kind of… I don't know, let's just move on.
Loki: Agreed.
Yoda/Padme/Jyn Erso
Mantis: So two hot ladies and an old frog.
Quill: I really don't get what you mean. Padme was pretty boring.
Mantis: O:
Quill: I'm killing Padme, obviously, kissing Yoda, but not in a making out way, just like a kiss on the cheek like you'd give your grandma.
Loki: I don't think that's how this game works.
Quill: And marry Jyn, just out of process of elimination though.
Loki: I'm killing Yoda, he's nearly dead anyways.
Mantis: Same! Plus I wanna marry Padme.
Quill: What?! Over Jyn?! She was a badass!
Mantis: So was Padme. She was a capable fighter and an awesome senator! Why wouldn't I want that?
Loki: Honestly I'd have to agree. Close proximity to power is quite appealing to me. So marry Padme, and kiss Jyn.
Quill: You guys are weird.
Lando/Anakin/Qui Gon Jinn
Quill: Kill Qui Gon. I don't even remember anything about him.
Loki: Rude.
Quill: Kiss Lando, then marry Anakin but only because Anakin becomes Darth Vader and I can reap the benefits.
Loki: Assuming he doesn't kill you during his turn to the dark side.
Mantis: I'd kill Anakin! It would save the galaxy.
Quill: Would it though? He was the chosen one! It took him a while, but he brought balance to the force!
Loki: Wasn't that technically Luke? If it weren't for him, Vader never would've turned back to the light side in the first place.
Mantis: I suppose, they would just kill all the Jedi anyways. The emperor could always keep Dooku as his apprentice. He only had him killed because his sights were set on Anakin.
Quill: Yeah, the emperor kinda sucks…
Loki: My choices are kill Anakin, marry Qui Gon, and kiss Lando. Lando would probably screw me over if he got the chance but damn is he hot.
Mantis: I'd marry him. I think he proved he's trustworthy in Return of the Jedi.
Rose Tico/Cassian/Mace Windu
Quill: Oh, the boring gang.
Mantis: They are not boring! D:
Loki: I'd kill Mace Windu, he's already dead anyways and killing him could stop Anakin from turning to the dark side since Windu attempting to assassinate Palpatine was what prompted him to make his choice.
Quill: Well, maybe. And I agree, kill him.
Mantis: Yeah… I'll marry Cassian!
Loki: He's a likable scoundrel. Rose was so ignored in the last movie.
Quill: Oh, ditto! Like why introduce her if she's not gonna do anything!
Loki: Are we all choosing the same thing? Kiss Rose, marry Cassian, kill Windu?
Quill: Well… I dunno about marrying Cassian. Rose is boring but Cassian might try to kill me for money or something.
Loki: I'm going with the more interesting option: Cassian.
Quill: Yeah, I agree.
Finn/Captain Phasma/Kylo Ren
Mantis: Marry Ben! Definitely!
Loki: Alright Quill, you owe me five gold.
Quill: Dammit.
Mantis: What?
Loki: We made a bet that you would choose to marry Kylo.
Quill: I'd kill Kylo.
Mantis: WHAT?! D:
Quill: He's annoying. He killed Han.
Mantis: He redeemed himself! He did more than Vader did after his redemption!
Quill: Vader was dying! He sacrificed himself to save Luke.
Mantis: Ben sacrificed himself for Rey!
Loki: Guys, stay focused.
Mantis: I'd kiss Finn, 'cause he's kinda cute, and kill Phasma.
Quill: I'd marry Finn, he's cool. Then kiss Phasma on her helmet.
Mantis: Alright Loki, what do you choose?
Loki: Oh shoot, um… marry Finn, he's the most stable, kiss Kylo because that would be a passionate mess and kill Phasma. I have no attachment to her.
Darth Vader/Leia/Chewbacca
Loki: Kill Vader.
Mantis: Same.
Quill: Marry Vader!
Mantis: Marrying Vader?
Quill: He rules the galaxy! I'd be like super-rich and powerful if I was his husband!
Loki: Ooh, good point.
Quill: Then I'd make out with Leia because she's hot!
Loki: So you'd marry Vader, then turn around and kiss his daughter? How well do you think that's gonna turn out for you?
Quill: What hubby doesn't know won't hurt him.
Mantis: Is that the phrase you live by?
Loki: Ooh! Damn!
Quill: You guys are mean :(
Mantis: That's what you get for killing Chewbacca.
Quill: Oh shoot, I didn't even realize that! I'm sorry Chewie! :O
Mantis: I'm marrying Leia and kissing Chewie.
Quill: Kiss Chewie?! Ew.
Mantis: What?! It's just hair.
Loki: I'll kiss him too, just so I can marry Leia.
Darth Maul/Luke/Rey
Quill: Marry Luke! Luke is mine!
Loki: You can have him. I would honestly marry Rey. She seems like she'll be quite lonely living in a desert after Kylo's death, and apparently, I'm a lot like him.
Mantis: Oh god…
Quill: That's a bold statement, saying you're a fictional character's type.
Loki: It was a joke.
Mantis: I'd marry Rey too, she's hot. Then obviously kill Darth Maul, because he's evil.
Quill: Eh, fair.
Loki: Then kiss Luke?
Mantis: Yeah.
Loki: He'd probably cry the entire time.
Mantis: xD
Loki: I'd do the same, kiss Luke and kill Maul. Luke's too important to kill.
Quill: I'd kiss Darth Maul and Kill Rey! She's kind of a rehash.
Bang/Marry/Kill
Han Solo/Finn/Count Dooku
Quill: Kill Doo Doo.
Mantis: Yeah.
Loki: Agreed. I don't want to kill Han or Finn.
Mantis: Who would you pick for one night between them?
Quill: Eh, prolly Han. He's a cool dude, but not suited to marriage.
Loki: Leia managed it.
Quill: And it gave her gray hair in her fifties! Plus, look at how their son turned out! Finn seems more stable so I'd marry him.
Mantis: Same!
Loki: I suppose I'll marry Han and bang Finn. I have more of an attachment to Han.
Mantis: But you'd make Leia mad! Finn is still single!
Loki: I'd argue Finn and Poe are together, but we're assuming they're all single here.
Mantis: Fair enough.
Boba Fett/Jyn Erso/Palpatine
Quill: I'm killing Palpatine. That bastard needs to stay dead.
Mantis: Agreed!
Loki: Really? I'd marry him so I can be in close proximity to power when the empire is created, murder him in his sleep, dissolve the empire, and save the galaxy.
Quill: 0_0
Mantis: Um… I thought this was 'bang, marry, OR kill' not 'bang, marry, AND kill.'
Loki: I'm just trying to think of the best possible solution.
Quill: ...Anyways I'd marry Boba Fett, he looks like he had an exciting life, then bang Jyn, I dunno I'm not too attached to her.
Mantis: I'd marry Jyn! Boba Fett's a villain!
Quill: Not really, he was just a bounty hunter.
Loki: Like Ventress from Clone Wars, except not as cool.
Mantis: OOOOH!
Quill: -_-
Loki: Boba Fett is quite boring though. I'd rather bang Jyn.
Mantis: Yeah, I'll marry Jyn, bang Boba.
Quill: So you're seriously accepting a one night stand with a bounty hunter over a life of excitement?
Mantis: I already have a life of excitement... with you guys.
Loki: Same.
Mantis: Aw… you're so cute!
Loki: Thanks...
Jabba/Rose Tico/Poe Dameron
Loki: Kill Jabba.
Mantis: Yes.
Quill: Definitely. That guy was a creep.
Mantis: Then marry Rose and bang Poe.
Quill: Marry Rose? She had like no personality! I'd bang her and marry Poe.
Loki: I'm with Mantis honestly. Poe belongs with Finn, I'm marrying Rose. At least with her, I'd know I'd have a dedicated partner.
Quill: If she could get over Finn.
Mantis: I could help her get over Finn! I would comfort and love her!
Quill: If you say so.
Qui Gon Jinn/Snoke/Darth Maul
Loki: Oh god.
Quill: EW!
Mantis: Wait, does Snoke even count? He was just the emperor's puppet.
Loki: We didn't learn that until after he was dead. I think it still counts. Anyways, I'd marry Qui Gon… he seems the most stable out of all of them.
Quill: He was boring though! Who wants that?!
Loki: He was not boring. He was calm and wise.
Mantis: Yeah! I'll marry him too, he's cute.
Quill: I'll bang him, 'cause I don't hate him… definitely kill Snoke...
Loki: I can agree with that.
Mantis: Yup.
Quill: Then marry Darth Maul I guess.
Loki: Well, you'd definitely have an exciting life then.
Mantis: If by exciting you mean dead.
Quill: 0_0
Loki: That was… oddly dark of you.
Mantis: Thank you!
Quill: So you guys are banging Maul?
Loki: It's better than Snoke.
Mantis: Yeah.
Leia/Mace Windu/Captain Phasma
Quill: Marry Leia!
Loki: Somehow I knew you would say that.
Quill: Well, do you disagree?
Loki: No actually, I'd marry her too.
Mantis: Same! She's so awesome!
Quill: Damn, a unanimous opinion on marriage… that's new.
Loki: Then bang Windu and kill Phasma.
Quill: What?! :O
Mantis: Phasma's evil!
Quill: She had so much potential! What did Window even do?! Apart from getting flung out of a window?!
Loki: He's played by Samuel L Jackson. End of argument.
Quill: Well… If it was Jackson then yeah, I'd agree. But Window is his own character.
Mantis: It's Windu!
Quill: Whatever. He's already dead anyways and I don't care about him, so I'm killing him and banging Phasma.
Loki: She'd probably crush you but okay.
Quill: Nothing I'm not used to ;)
Mantis: 0_0
Loki: Let's move on, shall we?
Lando/Chewbacca/Cassian
Mantis: Oh my god no!
Loki: I don't want to kill any of them...
Quill: Me neither… but Cassian's already dead so I guess…
Loki: Ouch.
Mantis: No! Not Cassian! He's a hot rebel boy :(
Loki: He's more of a scoundrel than Han Solo so…
Quill: Marry?
Loki: Bang. He's attractive, but I'd rather marry Lando.
Mantis: YOU'RE KILLING CHEWIE?! :O
Loki: I suppose… I don't like it, but at least Han and Chewie would be reunited.
Quill: So Mantis, you killing Lando?
Mantis: No! I don't wanna kill any of them! D:
Quill: You gotta choose. I say bang Lando, marry Chewie.
Loki: Chewie would make a loyal partner.
Quill: I'm only saying that so I don't have to bang him! That's a little too weird for me. And marriages without sex exist.
Loki: Fair point.
Quill: So Mantis, what are you choosing?
Mantis: Quill's options, I guess.
Quill: Kill Cassian, marry Chewie, bang Lando?
Mantis: Yeah, Cassian's hot but he'd probably kill me and Chewie's the most loyal.
Luke/Jar Jar/Padme
Quill: Great. So one character I love, and two I hate.
Mantis: What do you have against Padme, seriously?
Quill: She's annoying! All she ever does is fawn over Anakin!
Loki: Maybe in the third movie, but she was actually quite awesome in the first two.
Quill: Whatever. I don't hate her as much as Jar Jar so I guess I'll kill him, bang Padme, and marry Luke.
Loki: Luke is so whiny! I'd be sick of him in a day.
Quill: He got less whiny as the movies went on!
Loki: Yeah, less whiny. He was still a bit of a brat but I'm not banging Jar Jar so I'll kill him and bang Luke.
Mantis: He'd probably whine the whole time.
Loki: Oh god.
Quill: xD
Loki: Anyways, that leaves Padme to marry.
Quill: Padme, seriously?!
Loki: What? She kicks ass! Besides, I could save her from that awful relationship with Anakin and she could be alive.
Mantis: No Leia and Luke though…
Loki: Anakin can get with someone else.
Quill: Some poor unfortunate woman.
Mantis: I'll kill Jar Jar, I just like the other characters more, marry… Padme, I guess?
Quill: Why?!
Mantis: I dunno… Luke would make me sad all the time, especially on that island.
Loki: Do I make you sad all the time?
Mantis: No, you're way happier than when we first met. Besides, you're worth a little sadness :)
Rey/Anakin/Kylo Ren
Mantis: Again, marry Ben.
Quill: Again, kill him, marry Anakin, kiss Rey.
Loki: Marry Rey, just by default. Kylo and Anakin have so much baggage.
Mantis: I'd bang Rey, I don't want anything to do with Anakin. He murdered his wife!
Loki: Yeah, I'd kill Anakin before he could kill me.
Quill: You'd bang Ben?! He's literally always angry!
Loki: That could make it fun.
Quill: 0_0
Darth Vader/Yoda/Obi-Wan
Loki: Kill Darth Vader.
Mantis: Yeah, he's evil.
Quill: Kill Yoda! He's on his way out anyway! And Darth Vader turned himself around!
Loki: Fair enough. I'd bang Yoda.
Mantis: 0_0
Quill: You have problems!
Loki: I'm a shapeshifter! It's not that weird! Besides, it's better than Vader. He's mostly machine.
Mantis: That's better than a swamp goblin! I'd marry Yoda, I guess, and bang Obi-Wan.
Loki: I'd marry Obi-Wan so I could bang him multiple times. No one would care after Order Sixty-Six!
Quill: I'm marrying Vader, I don't know what's wrong with you guys!
Mantis: He would force choke you to death!
Quill: And I'd enjoy every minute of it ;)
Mantis: 0_0
Loki: And you said I have problems.
Quill: Come on, I was kidding.
