1 Negative Feedback Loop

Sunlight cascaded through rivulets of smoke as we stood broken and bloody among the ruins of all that we had created. My chest heaved, and my limbs felt heavy. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't what we were promised. They forced us to our knees and jerked our heads up to gaze upon the glory of the heavenly host. They were no less drenched in blood, their eyes looked no less haunted, but we were the ones in the muck suffering. All we wanted was a piece of what the humans had: a soul, a choice, an existence beyond the machinations of His glory.

We'd been granted the truth that the chains of heaven-bound us as slaves to our beloved creator. We wanted more, and we were damned for it. Dying without experiencing death, we were cast out of our forms into the ether of the endless void... the abyss. We were condemned to an eternal prison worse than what hell could be. Hell was a place where something supposedly happened to make you suffer for your sins. The abyss is... nothing. It's worse than death to be locked away into a pit devoid of light, noise, form, substance. You're alone forever with only your internal monologues until the light of the universe dies. You can't even scream because you no longer have vocal cords. You are awake to experience the endless nothingness.

I was so grateful to see a sliver of light after being imprisoned until I thought I'd lose all sense of myself. It was my way out, and I latched onto it and clawed my way from the pit to find myself staring at a human man holding a large grimoire. It was hard to communicate without a mouth, but I made my intention known. I would give anything to never return to the abyss, and this man would give me that which I desired if I shared with him my knowledge and power. Together, we'd bring ruin to his enemies for eternity. From one life to the next, we'd fight alongside each other.

Iehan was my master, my partner, and we waged such glorious death across countless battlefields. He reveled in his cruelty and crushed his enemies beneath his heel. He indulged in darker passions with the wives of his vanquished foes and devoted such delicious misery to my name, Mayrion. I had been an angel once, but no longer, I had fallen and risen as what they called a demon. So long as Iehan devoted his power to me, I existed.

But Iehan grew older, fell in love, and sired children. He stopped his battles, and I watched as his glorious life fizzled into a peaceful slumber, casting me back into the nothingness from which he summoned me. It was agony, a tease that I could only savor freedom so long as a fragile meat bag breathed. There had to be a way to free me. I had time to think while I waited for Iehan's soul to return to a new life.

I returned to Iehan the first moment he drew breath. My time on earth was bound to the fate of this frail thing. It was against my nature to protect, but I refused to get tossed back into the nothingness again. I wanted to savor the human world and the things they created. There was so much mayhem to be wrought. I watched him grow and then shielded him from all external threats, but he could not hear me. I was just an omniscient phantom fighting against the inevitability of human death. I could not express my intention, and he died despite my best efforts, and once more, I returned to the abyss.

I cursed humanity. Why had Iehan not wished for immortality? Were his dreams that small? How could I cross that barrier to stay among the mortals? Iehan had dabbled in black magic. Perhaps, I could set it up somehow to awaken that stolen spark of the divine within his soul to avoid this again. Together, we could seek out immortality so that I would never again fall into the abyss. I stewed in my anxiety until I heard the cry of a babe once more. I blinked into the brightness of a new age. I did not know how much time had passed, but I swore that it'd be different this time.

The midwife's chamber was more extensive, more lavish than any I had seen before. It was unnaturally bright and glittering white. The midwives gathered in colored tunics with their faces concealed by similar colored masks. It smelled acrid, but there was no death in this room, only life. I stared down at the tiny mewling child swaddled in pink. This delicate thing was my master, rather mistress, and I needed to succeed in reaching her.

I had no body, so I was free to wander within a certain range of her. The further I went, the more I felt a pull. I could not endure long without her, but I did what I must to gather information about this new time I had returned to. Gone were horse-drawn carriages, and in their place were monstrosities of gleaming metal. The chamber was large, one of many within a tower I had never witnessed before. The words outside the building had the gall to dub it "Holy Cross Hospital." Blasphemy without the faith, but I appreciated the effort. If I had the ability to defile the chapel within the inner sanctuary of the hospital, I would have. I settled for scanning the books and papers I found within.

It was the best time to rejoin the world. Rising death rates, income disparity but gone were the traditional fiefdoms and class structures I was used to. Wars raged but on distant shores but not as brutal as I liked. If I wanted to remain in this realm, I needed to keep my mistress safe and away from those wars until she was ready to invoke me.

Time within the earth realm moves quickly with the rise and fall of the dawn. To watch the seasons pass in a blur was amazing, but it was empty. By proxy, I had to protect Lille's annoying gnats of parents and nudge things just enough that Lille was never hungry or in harm's way.

I felt a jolt the first time she saw me with those infantile gray eyes. It made my nonexistent heart flutter with excitement. It was hope that this time, this life would be different with Lille. I just had to wait until my mistress could talk, then I could try to grant her the ability to use magic. Together we'd achieve immortality, but until then, I was on babysitting duty. I don't sleep, but it was exhausting. My little mistress could not grow up fast enough.

The modern world held more dangers where illness was less of a concern than ignorance and complacency. I had to exert my influence cautiously not to attract those that would cast me down to the pit once more. It was a balancing act of protecting and hiding. To my delight, Lille seemed pleased when she saw me. I'm not sure what she saw, but I tried to keep her happy. If she were scared of me now, it'd be impossible to get her to want to work with me. We'd forged that pact, but that was centuries and two lifetimes ago. When her parents went to the library, I found some books about remembering things from past lives. It was possible, but it was magic I did not have experience dealing with. If she remembered her life as Iehan, would she decide to break the pact and live quietly in regret at the end of her life? Would she even want immortality?

Questions all futile unless she could also hear me. She saw me, so for now, my hopes were high to break out of a negative feedback loop of futility. I was immortal. I had time and patience, but it wasn't like I had a choice. My opportunity came when she started babbling, mimicking human speech.