7 The Stupid Prime Minister of Tang

At the end, that Sun monkey says to me: 'You are different from the Guanyin bodhisattva in the mortals' eyes.'

I look at his annoying look and give away mine: 'You are not different at all from the Sun Wukong in the mortals' eyes.'

After that, I take Huian with me and we leave.

Before we leave, he is still thudding with his iron rod stubbornly at Sun Wukong's head as if he really wants to thud a hole in it.

My disciple is the kind of person who bears his grudge.

I even admire myself after I told Sun Wukong those words. Moreover, Sun Wukong seems to believe me.

In fact, I know clearer than anyone about that Heaven. They are all trash.

Phew!

Our last stop in this trip is Chang'an.

I have two things to talk about this Chang'an.

Both things are related to a Dragon King.

The first Dragon King is a hapless Dragon King.

He lives in Jing river and controls the precipitation of this area. One day he heard that a fisherman was talking to a lumberer and he knew there was a guy named Yuan Shoucheng who was talented in fortune telling. He told that fisherman the location of all the aqua species in Jing river and taught him how to fish.

However, the aqua species in Jing river would be all fished out if nothing else happened.

To help his fellows, this Dragon King transformed to a pedant in white and went to Yuan Shoucheng for a weather telling. Yuan told him the time of the rain and the amount of the rain. They agreed that if any of Yuan's telling went wrong, Yuan would have to leave Chang'an.

He thought that a fortune telling was not able to tell the rain. Who knows that Jade Emperor ordered him to cast the rain exactly as Yuan had told him. At the moment, he said to himself that he was just a Dragon King of one river; there were many many more rivers in the world; there were countless rains as well; that Jade Emperor controlled everything and how would he know if I changed this rain?

Then he changed the time of the rain and changed the amount of the rain. The next day, he went to find troubles of Yuan.

Who knows that Yuan not only knew that he was the Dragon King of Jing river and that he was going to be put to death by Jade Emperor? Yuan's words shocked the Dragon King and he begged Yuan for a way to live.

Yuan said that the executer would be Wei Zheng. If he wanted Wei to stop, he had to beg Taizong, the emperor of Tang.

The Dragon King hurried to beg Tang Taizong to spare his life. The emperor accepted his request naturally, but Wei fell asleep during a chess game against Taizong emperor and he killed the Dragon King in his dream.

The Dragon King died a tragic death and his soul went after Tang Taizong. Tang Taizong was disturbed and couldn't rest in daytime or nighttime.

Buddha says to me: 'This soul of the Dragon King is bothering that Taizong. You are in Chang'an. Go dispel the ghost for him.'

Although I am called for helping humans out, but this thing is Heaven's business. It was Heaven that killed the Dragon King. Why should I go solve this?

Buddha says: 'Ayyy. Passion! Passion! This is a diplomatic problem.'

Everytime he mentions diplomatic problem, I know it shall not be a good news.

Heaven and Western Paradise are two parties after all. If we are going to dispel the ghost for Tang Taizong, then Jade Emperor must have promised Buddha something else, but every time when Buddha has something coming, he will always hide it cryptically and never leaks any information.

The problem comes: this Dragon King was killed by Heaven. Heaven can kill a living Dragon King. Of course, they can kill a dead one again.

Also, that Dragon King just rained less and Jade Emperor knew it right away. That Yuan Shoucheng divulged the future and let that fisherman fish all the aqua species out, and he also disclosed the judgement of Jade Emperor. Why does he not have any punishment?

As a result, I have to say that there are a lot of things behind this.

The second thing is about a fortunate Dragon King.

There was a man in Haizhou named Chen Guangrui. He was the number one scholar in an imperial examination. He rode on his horse and had seen all the flowers in Chang'an. Coincidentally, the girl of the prime minister was recruiting a husband in a colorful hotel. Her silk ball hit Chen and they got married. This Chen Guangrui was a poor scholar but he had fame and money, wife and background right away. The royal court sent him to Jiangzhou's government.

On his way to Jiangzhou, this Chen Guangrui bought a golden koi fish. He felt sympathy for it and let it free in the water. Who knows that he was kind but the people on his way were not kind. Two boatmen of Hong river were interested in his wife Mrs. Ying so they killed him and robbed his identity and his wife. They went to Jiangzhou's government.

Chen Guangrui's corpse was thrown into the river. Coincidentally, the Dragon King of the river was that golden koi fish caught that day. He saw that this person had saved him so he used a treasure to keep Chen's corpse and soul. He let Chen work in his crystal palace.

Mrs. Ying had been robbed away by these criminals for eighteen years. She placed her son Xuan Zang with Chen on a wooden board and let him flow away. Eighteen years later, Xuan Zang grew up and knew his past life experience. Then he went back to Chang'an to seek help from his grandpa. They saved his mother and his grandmother and killed the two criminals.

Then, this Dragon King saw that Chen Guangrui was finally avenged so he let Chen go back. He let Chen flow back to his home. Coming back alive sounds like a good end.

It seems to be a good story.

The problem comes: since this Dragon King can revive Chen, why didn't he revive Chen at the beginning so Chen could go to seek help from the prime minister in order to kill the criminals, to bring his wife and son back, to pick up his old mother who was dropped on the street? This should be what a normal husband, father, and son would do.

...

Eighteen years have passed. His wife has been forcibly occupied by them. His son flew away on the wooden board and went missing. His old mother has been waiting painfully for eighteen years being a beggar on the street. Her eyes went blind as well. This Chen is really carefree. He just went to work for the Dragon King under the water!

You are like a smaller deity after the Dragon King. Your wife, son, and mother are helpless and they are dying while you never ask to help them.

That Dragon King is also unreal. Is a Dragon King weak enough to be caught by a human fisherman as food? What are you being a Dragon King for? For being food?

Don't you have a lot of abilities and treasures?

Anyway, after this thing is over, I ask Tathagata if he has done anything while I am away.

Tathagata looks serious and says to me: 'I asked you to go to Chang'an and find that scriptures taker. Why do you talk about this history with me?'

I am like: isn't the scriptures taker that little monk Xuan Zang!? This thing is obviously strange!

Tathagata says: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, do not go deep. This is a diplomatic problem, a diplomatic problem...'

...

I knew nothing good would happen when it is a diplomatic problem.

I have said that why he asked me to dispel ghost for Tang Taizong for no reason. Obviously, he has planned with Jade Emperor to make a miserable fate for this little monk. All three previous generations of this little monk were tragedies.

Finally, that useless father of the little monk Xuan Zang goes back to work for Tang again. His mother couldn't get out from the depression and she committed suicide one time after another. First time and second time. There is not a fourth time. She died in her third try. I couldn't even save her. Till now, the life experience of this kid has finally become the life experience of a main character.

After the end of these hapless things, Tathagata finally proves to me with his action why this little monk is his designated scriptures taker when others are not.

It is probably because others' previous generations did not have a bloody tragedy.

A qualified main character will have both parents dead or one of them dead. Anyway, a main character who has both parents alive seems to be not capable to succeed.

I have to say that being parents is not easy. Being parents of a main character is more difficult.

This time I come to Chang'an with Huian with our plan to give that scriptures taker a red silk kasaya and a nine-ring monk staff. Buddha says, anyone who wears his kasaya will not fall into the reincarnation; anyone who holds his monk staff will not be harmed with evil intentions.

As a result, I should give this kasaya and monk staff to the emperor of Tang by myself and then the emperor award Xuan Zang with these. This is the only way to make everything legitimate.

I think that I have saved this emperor who was horrified by the Dragon King. I should be able to just give these to him. He might even kneel down to me, but Tathagata doesn't like my idea. He says I need to give these away in a dramatic way.

If I don't listen to him, he will turn on his bla-bla mode and bla bla me to death remotely.

As a result, both I and Huian transform to be two scabies head monks. We are going to sell kasaya in Chang'an city.

Humans in this period seem to have a misunderstanding about the enlightened ones. Anyone who dresses well and looks nice are frivolous and limited in their eyes. If this person also has a kasaya in his hands, he shall be zhuangbi. If one is disabled, or has a scabies head, in a dirty robe with a shiny kasaya on his hands, he must be a real enlightened one. Hence, people who look for a shifu don't go after those who look clean and pretty in the mountains as if those pretty beings are yokais' transformations. If deities and buddhas want to transform, they have to transform into an ugly one.

Actually, things were not like this at the beginning. Deities have normal aesthetic standards and they usually transform to be pretty; yokais live in the wild and they have an indescribable aesthetic standard. No one knows what happened, but humans are having rumors which are opposite of the truth. Then deities can only transform to be an ugly one. Otherwise, no one will believe us. Fortunately, most yokais live in the corners of the world and they don't have a good access to information. Otherwise, I don't know how many humans would be harmed.

I and Huian are holding the kasaya and walking on the street. If there is someone who comes and asks us the price of this kasaya, we will unctuously say that it is worth 250 kg gold. Wherever we go, people say we are mental.

Nonetheless, things are like this. Tathagata likes to make face-saving projects. What can I do? If I just give this kasaya to the emperor, he will not value it. If I sell this kasaya to the emperor, he will think this is a vulgar thing which he can buy with money. Therefore, we need to price it high and say a vulgar person needs to buy it, but a sophisticated monk shall be given it for free.

Then, is Xuan Zang a sophisticated monk? Of course not! When he was still Golden Cicada, he could fall asleep during Buddha's teaching.

You look at Huian. Huian has followed me for thousands of years and he learns nothing, but he knows he needs to pretend that he is listening when Buddha is teaching. That Golden Cicada doesn't even know how to pretend.

One of us becomes scabies head and the other one become a lame one. We wear a worn robe, walking on the street. Huian says to me: 'Shifu, you don't look like a real one. How can a poor monk have such nice-looking limbs? People will know you are a fake one right away.'

I say to Huian: 'You have a lame left leg and then a lame right leg. Does your acting seem real?'

Huian thinks about it and says to me: 'How about this. You act as a woman and I act as a log. We both act a self-portray and we should be able to have everyone believe in us.'

...Whose self-portary!? Bah!

I have rarely worn a man's clothes in thousands of years. I have not had it enough!

On half of our way, we meet that prime minister Xiao Yu coming back from the royal court. The policemen have driven the pedestrians away and we keep going ahead to his face to sell kasaya.

That prime minister stares at the red silk kasaya in my hands and the nine-ring monk staff in Huian's hands. He sees these shining and asks: 'How much is this kasaya?'

I am relieved. Finally we have met the right person to end our quest early. This prime minister is green-eyed. He must know these are both treasures. Tathagata's face-saving projects are well-done.

I say: 'Kasaya is 250kg gold. The monk staff is I gold.'

He looks at our treasures and he rolls his eyes to our worn robes.

As soon as he looks at us, I have a bad feeling. I have said that humans have misunderstandings about deities and good things.

Xiao Yu says: 'How much are the worn robes on both of you?'

...

I knew it would happen!

Huian says: 'The worn clothes are worthless. The ones in our hands are treasures.'

Shut the fuck up you dumbass!

Xiao Yu swings his hand and calmly says: 'I am willing to spend all my properties on the worn clothes on you.'

After that, he shows a look that he knows all. He whispers to other humans: 'Look at the treasures in their hands. They are shinny and pretty, but the monks are in worn robes. Obviously, these enlightened sophisticated monks are testing us. They want us to not be fooled by the appearance and we should see the inner essence from the surface. These silk clothes and beautiful faces are contemporary ashes. The real treasure must be the worn clothes on them.'

...

This prime minister is really a man of character.

Xiao Yu finishes his whisper and asks us dedicatedly: 'What can I do to receive the worn clothes from you two sophisticated monks?'

Huian stands still with his facial expression unchanged. He doesn't move the muscle on his face and murmurs to me: 'Shifu, he asked us to take off our clothes on the street. Do you want me to beat him to death right now?'

Beat, beat, beat! You only know beating people to death! Are you going to be the prime minister after he dies!?