I even smoked pot

August 3, 1993

Hey. You are like my fifth diary. I guess I enjoy writing down all my feelings and the special events in my life. I was reading over my diary from grades nine and ten and god I was so young and foolish! My first time getting drunk (which hasn't happened since) and my first french kiss (which I can say has happened a few or more times). I even smoked pot. The last time was over like four months ago and when I think about it, it makes me super anxious, like I don't want to feel that way, so why do it? I used to party really hard all the time. Now when I go to parties, I just go to have fun with my friends. I don't need to drink or do drugs, I don't like losing control like that. Geez, maybe my problem is moderation? It's still around everywhere though. I know both guys and girls who smoke it on lunch.

But I have bigger problems. Let's see, well Marie, she is my best friend in the whole world and not really a problem at all really. Seriously, I bet when we're fifty years old we'll still be best friends. I always pictured us blaring music when we're old and grey on some porch outside watching everyone who could still walk go about their business.

Then there's Tammy and Jen. We used to be really good friends but things have changed for me a bit I guess. Now Jen goes to parties whenever she can, she just follows where the weed takes her. But that was me like a few months ago so I can't judge.

And Tammy well, she follows the guys. I'm not saying anything is wrong with that either, I'd love to have ten different guys calling me, but she just meets so many new people, sometimes I just can't keep up. Now she and Jen hang around an older crowd with these two chicks from our school. They seem pretty cool, but I don't know if I could ever be as close to them as Tammy and Jen have gotten. So I've hardly gone out with them this summer. Maybe when school starts again everything will go back to normal.

Or maybe I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm not much of a people person, you know? I really have to want to be your friend first before I even try getting to know you.

Maybe I should become more outgoing or something.

God, I'm describing myself as a loser. No, it's not like that. I know plenty of people. But I'm really close to only one or two people and feel comfortable around a few more. And guys aren't my problem, just finding that one right guy is. I just haven't had much luck.

To make matters worse, Tammy hates Luke (Marie's boyfriend) and his friend Kevin (the guy who is crushing on me, I think) and I am always around these people, ALWAYS! It's like I'm being pulled in two different directions. Kevin is a good guy. He's artsy, plays the guitar, but I dunno. I just don't feel that spark, you know.

Man, sometimes I wish I could disappear forever. Like, relocate into a different culture. I might have more of a chance at finding a guy. It's not like that one right guy is just gonna come along and save me from all this confusion.

Though sometimes I think I let that right guy go way back in grade nine. My first boyfriend (REALBF) Trevor. He's been the only guy that I could talk to on the phone for two hours about absolutely everything and nothing in particular. He was the first guy to tell me he loved me and I really believed him and the first guy to dump me. But I guess he regretted that cause he asked me out 1000 times after and I said no cause I was afraid of getting hurt again.

Sometimes I still think of him and just want to call him. I wouldn't even know what to say. I don't even know what he's doing now. The last I heard he had this wicked tough girlfriend who liked to start drama. I really don't need any more of that. I guess we are two different people in one big old fucked up planet. God, being a teenager sucks! I hope I get through it alright.

Until later. SEE YA