1 Gray

"Squish" "Squish" "Squish" "Squish"

Every time I move, the sound of my steps ripple throughout the emptiness of this world. The clouds move slow, and the rain trickles slowly. The sun situated at the horizon just behind the clouds. It is neither bright, nor dark. I feel neither cold, or warmth. Their is no happiness, nor sadness. I walk and I walk. The clouds never clear. The sun never sets. The rain never stops, and my walk never ends.

I remember the day I died. Death was easier than I imagined. I had always believed in God and the afterlife, but this does not seems like heaven or hell to me. I have forgotten how long it has been since than, time works differently here. I don't even think time works here. Their is nothing in this world but an instinct to find something, unfortunately, I am not sure what that something is, or where to find it, or if it even exists.

For a long time after I had awakened here, I sat still waiting for something. Maybe I believed an angel would come to take me to heaven, or more likely hell. Unfortunately for me, nothing came. Everything around me remained the same regardless of how long I waited. I believe this was just what the afterlife had to offer and I would have to stay in this vast world of nothingness for eternity. I am content with this belief as I think I deserve much worse.

The world is gray with empty, broken down buildings with run down streets that all generally look the same. My skin is also pale resembling the gray theme of this world. I am not sure if this is a prison for all my sins, but I am sure I deserve what ever that comes my way. I honestly expected to be boiled in oil or burned at the stake by demons in hell. I guess this is not so bad, maybe God is going easy on me. A million thoughts run through my head about things I could have done differently. Maybe I would not have ended up a failure if I had not made such bad decisions.

Existence get's depressing here sometimes, but I always like to remind myself why I am here. I walk forward and try not to let the satiation overwhelm me. As strong willed as I am, I sometimes . . . I guess I just miss my mother. I . . . wanted her to be proud of me. She always knew what to say. I wonder where she is. I hope she is not in a place like this. If I were to guess, she is probably in a better place with my little sister.

My mom was always worried about me. I hope she is not thinking about me like I think about her. if I had a wish I would probably want her and my little sister to forget about me, move on and be happy together. Oh . . . I stopped walking just thinking about things. I do that often when I am lost in deep thought. I should probably start walking again, it's not like I ever get tired.

I thought I was going to walk like this endlessly, but this is strange, I hear slight sobbing around the corner. It sounds like a person. This has never happened before. Since the world is empty, I never usually hear anything besides the rain, the clouds, the wind and my own steps. Where is the noise coming from? Is it possible that another soul like myself has ended up in this place? should I be looking for this person?

"HELLO!" I called out to the voice. The sobbing stopped. "Ah..hello?", a person called to me with a soft and shaky voice from behind a small house. I looked closer and it was an elderly woman. Her skin was pale just like mine. Her eyes lit up as she struggled to stand up and make her way to me. "oh young man, I thought I was all alone." she was understandably worried and afraid being here of all places. "I don't know where I am, I was waiting for my children and.. he was busy so I.." She started to ramble on about her life story and I quickly realized, this lady doesn't know that she is dead.

I put forward my best attempt to explain the situation. I never imagined it would be so difficult to explain to an old woman that she was dead. I never imagined I would have to explain to an old woman that she was dead. I continued anyways because it had been the first time I had seen anyone here and she could possibly be my eternal companion. Regardless of what she had to say, I was here to listen. Apparently, she was sick and fell a sleep in a hospital bed. She woke up here soon after.

"I can't be dead, I... I am waiting for my son and my grand children to come visit me. I promised I would.." She cried and spoke in a soft voice. "let's relax for a but and have a seat", I gently grabbed her hand and walked her to the side to sit down. We sat in silence for a while, happy to have each other's company. A moment of silence definitely helped her to regain her composure just a little bit.

"you know, I have a grandson just like you", she said, trying to escape the thought of her current predicament. I was more than happy to oblige. "So he's that handsome?" She chuckled a little bit at my joke. It definitely helped lighten the mood. I asked about her life and she told me about how she was young, she got married, had a wonderful son and everything in between. It was a pleasant conversation. After a long time, I have a little bit of joy in my existence. All of that changed when she asked about me.

I would rather her not know what kind of person I was, but than it suddenly hit me, why was this woman here? From her life story, she sounds like a wonderful person. I believed that you had to be a bad person to be here. I was lost in thought and she looked at me with concern. "Is something the matter young man?" she inquired. "ohh nono, It's nothing". I think the conversation will turn sour if I ask for anything bad she may have done. I want to keep this moment positive while I can. "Oh don't worry young man, you can tell me." She insisted. I guess their is no avoiding it now. I had to bring it up sooner or later.

"I am having a hard time understanding why you are here, I thought this was a place for bad people." She looked at me and I avoided her gaze. "you think I did something bad dear?" I avoided answering. "maybe I did, maybe that's why my son stopped loving me". Her eyes saddened and she turned to look away to hide her tears. She reminded me of my mother. She used to cry like this when she was worried about me. just thinking about it kills me inside. "I'm sorry," I said "I should not have-",

"It's ok," She interjected, "don't apologize. You said nothing wrong."

I don't know what to say to her. I don't believe she belongs here. She is just an old woman that misses her children. "Tell me more about your son". I was hoping she would be excited but her mood did not change. she continued to tell me everything about her son. "he sounds like a wonderful person". "He is," She said, "I just sad because he stopped loving me", struggling to speak without her voice quivering. I found that statement strange, as nothing she had said prior had indicated that the son did not love her.

She was clearly upset by this. She needed closure if she was to feel better. "Why do you think he stopped loving you?" I inquired. "When he was a young man, we had run into some financial issues and he had to move away for a higher paying job. he had to provide for me and his own family, It must have been hard on him", she said. She carried on about how he was always busy working and how he did not have time for even his own family and how it was all her fault.

"you know I went away to work once." I said as I cut her off mid dialogue. By this time she was sobbing. "It was a very ugly town, but the money was good." I continued and she listened. "Do you know why I did it?". "why?" she asked. "For my mother." She slowly stopped sobbing. "I had seen people kick their parents out of the house, abandon them, sometimes even kill them for their inheritance." She turned to look at me. "I wasn't letting that happen to my mother, so I worked my heart out for her. even it it meant I did not have time to see her." She remained silent. "Did your son ever complain? did he ever leave you at a shelter? has he ever kicked you out of the house?" without hesitation. "No, never! My son would never do that to me!" she said sternly. "do you know why?" I asked the obvious question. "because . . .", she paused. "because he loves you!".

She turned to look down with tears in her eyes. "Your son did love you, but he was a failure if he could not make time to see you-". "NO!," she abruptly cut me off. "MY SON WAS NOT A FAILURE, HE WAS THE BEST SON ANYONE COULD ASK FOR!", She asserted. There was a moment of silence. Deep down I was only angry at myself, and I knew should would respond this way because that's how my mother would have responded, regardless of how much I let her down.

"I'm sorry", I continued softly, "I should have said your son is a lot like me." She put her hand on my shoulder with regret in her eyes. "No dear, I am sorry I got loud." I insisted that I was in the wrong. "I just wanted you to understand. Their was only one reason your son worked his heart out day after day. to provide for you. do you know why?" She hesitated and answered "because . . .". "because he loved you", I concluded. She put her hands on her face and started to cry. "Thank you", she said to me. "you don't need to thank m-" I was cut off by a sudden but slow embrace. This is the first I had ever felt warm here. "It feels like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. thank you". She again reminded me of my mother. I should be thanking her. Because of her, I am no longer alone.

I did not think it was possible. She was not like she was before. She was happy and I was happy for her. Before my very eyes, she smiled, her skin slowly started to become light, her eyes became colorful. "Look at you," I said as I pointed out the clear change in her. She looked at her hands and said "wow, I feel great! and happy." It was not over. Her wrinkles started to fade, her posture became straight, her voice became sturdy and her body began to glow. She had become an entirely different person.

I stood up and stepped back. I didn't know what was happening. This was not the sad old woman I found sobbing behind a corner, this was a young woman who was the happiest person I had ever seen. She was bright like the sun. "I think I have to go, come with me young man," She said as she reached for my hand. "Go where?" I inquired. "To a better place", she said with a young and passionate voice. She clearly understood something that took me a while to understand. She no longer belonged here.

The little joy I experienced quickly started to fade as I saw her hand holding mine. Our hands did not match at all. My hand was Pale where her hand was glowing with beauty. I instinctively pulled away. "What's wrong?" She said with a concerned look in her face. It was clear she understood what was happening. I could not go with her.

"I . . . I got things to do here," I said with a quivering voice. This was the best excuse I could come up with. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT YOU, TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF!", She said loudly as she slowly began fading into the light. We both know she did not have much time, even if I wanted to share my past. "It's not important", I said as with a shaky voice. "PLEASE!" she shouted as she put her hands on my shoulders. She sounded desperate and worried. I can tell why someone like her is going to a better place. She is even worried about a stranger like me. For the little joy she has brought me, I can't let her leave on such a sad note. I pulled my best smile possible, but all I could manage was a "I'll catch you on the flip side". This was so embarrassing, my voice cracked. She hurried to wrap her arms around me as to take her with me, I closed my eyes and slowly, the warmth faded with the light, and she was gone.

It's no big deal. I was alone before and I am ok with being alone again. I don't need a companion anyways. she would have probably slowed me down. Its strange . . . sky is grayer than before, the rain is heavier than before, the weather is colder than before. the cold is making is hard to move, and my body is shivering now. I don't need anyone but . . . it was nice to have someone else around. I mean . . . she was good company. She did give me some of her time. I should have told her how much I appreciated her company. I should have thanked her. I should have said goodbye better. I hope she is not worried about me and moves on. I . . . need to take a brake. I'll sit here for a moment. I'll get going again after I . . . get some rest I guess.