Break My Heart Again

"I want to break up."

Jay is staring at me, such a normal expression on his face, like he's just disagreed with my choice for dinner. I don't think I could have heard him properly because I'm sure as hell that he wouldn't want to end this, it's perfect, one of the only good things in my life right now.

"I want to spend some time apart to understand where my head is at."

He wants to understand where his head is at? He must be seeing someone else, who doesn't know where their head is at when they're seventeen? He's too young to have to think things through. He's definitely seeing somebody else. But if he was, he'd tell me surely, we've been together for three years. You tell somebody you've been with for over one thousand days the truth, they deserve at least that. I deserve at least that. I've sat through endless arguments, enough emotional abuse to last a lifetime and so many insults that I know why relationships end - that's what it was like towards the end of my parent's marriage.

We had none of that, we've been a perfect couple, I see no reason why he would want to end it. He's definitely cheating on me.

"Carlie? Say something please," I'm looking down at his shoes, I don't want to look at those beautiful dark eyes whilst he tells me about the girl he's been seeing behind my back.

What if there were multiple girls? What if I'm just one of many? I can't look at him. I can't look at that smile, that darned smile that I've seen laugh at one of my jokes on a million occasions and that I've watched be fixed by his braces for two years.

"I bought you ice cream for the pain of those braces." I think aloud, focusing every part of my mind on the scuffs on the converses he's wearing. I bought him those for his sixteenth birthday. I wonder if they buy him gifts too. They better do, he deserves all the gifts in the world. Well, he would if he wasn't a lying, cheating pig.

"What are you on about?" He cups my chin and lifts it so my eyes are looking directly into his. I can't escape him; those eyes have always had a power over me. A tear pricks at my eye and I'm trying to blink it away but I can't, more are coming.

"Do they buy you ice cream?"

"Do who buy me ice cream? Carlie, come on, please be an adult about this."

"An adult. Okay, I'll be an adult. Are you cheating on me?" His face creases into laughter – not in elation, the dimple hasn't formed in the corner of his cheek – but he's laughing nonetheless. He's hysterical, tears running down his cheeks. It takes me a while to realise he's not laughing anymore, he's just crying.

"The fact you think I could ever look at another girl when I've got the most perfect one right in front of me is beyond me. You're beautiful," He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and smiles, the tears trickle into the newly formed dimple, "I don't think I could ever love anybody as much as you."

I can't control the tears any longer and he pulls me into him. I've soaked the shoulder of his hoodie before he speaks again, "I just need some space to sort some personal things out."

"I… I can help you with those," I sob into him.

He kisses the top of my head, "Believe me, I've been thinking about this for weeks and I wish you could, but I need to be alone to figure this out."

"I don't know what I'll do without you."

"I don't know what I'll do without you either, baby, but we have to try. I don't deserve you at the moment but wait for me, okay?" He kisses me with so much passion that I can tell it's going to be the last time we do this. I try to hold on, to savour it one last time, but he's gone before I know it, the click of my front door closing behind him.

I lie on the sofa, desperately trying not to look at the blanket I had laid on the floor with all sorts of snacks for our date, he didn't even eat any of it. I sit for hours in tears, eating every last bit of food on the blanket until I'm too full to think of anything else. I make my way through every rom-com I can muster on Netflix and cry until I've got nothing left.

We met when we were eleven - Jacobo Alcantara and Carlie Gable together on the seating plan for almost every lesson – neither of us understood it, we weren't even close to each other in the alphabet. He didn't speak much, he kept his head down and worked as hard as he could, only ever talking to me to ask for help – I must admit I wasn't much help.

In year 7 I dated Spencer Morgan, it was the best two-week relationship I had ever had, he was the most popular boy in school and he bought me a DS game. Jay would shoot us daggers from the school bench that he sat on alone and that's when I started to realise that I didn't like him. I stopped helping him in maths and took every opportunity to slander him to my friends. It took me a while to realise that I was actually falling hopelessly in love with him.

When we were in year 8, our seats slowly got further and further away from each other until we weren't even in the same classes anymore. He was below me in maths yet above in English – it's always been that way. We'd see each other in the corridor and he'd always pretend to fiddle with his tie or run his hand through his hair so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with me. I'd always find it odd though, he would smile and laugh with everybody else and then become completely different around me.

It wasn't until we were in year 9, when we had to work on a geography project together, that he gave me his phone number. I didn't think much of it, we'd text each other to arrange to meet up and decided to build the volcano at my house. He came over in a baggie hoodie and jeans; his hood was up when he got to the door but his fluffy hair poked out from underneath.

Jay had the biggest smile when I opened the door and I think that was the first time I ever properly realised how attractive he was. He had this dimple in his cheek that I had never seen before and I fell in love with it right there and then. Suddenly the dread I had for spending a few hours with him faded and I desperately wanted to get to know this mysterious beauty.

We had the best time working on that project and I ended up inviting him over the next day as well, he agreed without hesitation and it seemed that suddenly we were hanging out every other day without failure. We were friends at first but then, there was this one night, we had been watching a movie and he asked such a simple question: "Why did you and Spencer break up?".

"He cheated on me." I had said so seriously but, in year 7, that meant he gave Abbie Bennett a daisy chain. I cried for an hour and broke up with him the next day.

"Only a fool would ever cheat on you," He said, a sparkle in the corner of his dark eye, "You're too good a person."

Without a second thought about it, a question sprung from my lips, "Would you like to be my boyfriend, Jacobo?"

He shuffled over from the other side of my sofa and smiled, "I would be honoured." He then wrapped his arm around me and we finished the film in silence. It was as easy as that. It didn't feel at all awkward and it suddenly became apparent that I wanted him to hold me like that for the rest of my life – yes, even as a 14-year-old, I realised that I had found the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess I was wrong; we were never meant to spend our lives together. I pull the blanket onto the sofa and snuggle under it, hoping my mum's date doesn't finish early and she finds me like this. I want to cry to someone about him but he was the only person I'd cry to. I want to rant about him to someone but there's nothing wrong with him. I want to destroy the love I ever had for him, but how can I? He's done nothing wrong. He just needs space. I'm suffocating him. Maybe I'm the issue.

My phone is buzzing in my pocket, three missed calls from my Mum, "Hello?" I say, managing to answer before she rings off.

"Honey," She's out of breath, "We've missed the train, you couldn't get Jay to come and pick us up, would you? We'd pay him, obviously." I desperately try and swallow the lump in my throat at the mention of his name but it's too difficult.

"He's just left, he said he had some homework to do and he had to get back home, I can ring him and ask if you want."

"Would you? It would be amazing if he could, we're really in a bit of a pickle, that was the last train." I realise once she hangs up that it's already ten to midnight on a school night, there's no way Jay would agree.

Nevertheless, I find myself dialling the only number I can remember by heart and hoping to God that he's not home. He answers after the first ring, "Carlie?" He's been crying, I can tell by the croak in his voice.

"Don't say yes unless you're really sure but my Mum needs a lift, she's missed the train back from Bath, she says she'll pay you £30."

"Have you told her?"

"No."

I can hear him shuffling about on the other side of the phone, the TV's on in the background he must be in the living room. I hope his family don't hear, they already don't like me, "Okay, I'll do it, tell her I'll be there in half an hour. Are you okay?" I can hear him buckling the belt on his jeans, he obviously wasn't dressed for company when he answered the phone.

"I'm fine, you?"

"I'm fine too."

"Good."

"Good. I'll talk to you later."

"Jay?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you, my Mum is so grateful."

"And you?"

"It doesn't really matter what I think about you anymore."

"Carlie, please don't be like that…"

"Goodnight, Jacobo." After hanging up, I hold my phone to my chest for a few moments, I miss the hour long facetime calls we had daily and the nights where we'd both fall asleep on the phone. I miss being able to think of him without wanting to tear every memory from my brain. I miss him.