6 Chapter6

{if I'm being honest I always find myself trying to find myself)-MILES CARTER

I looked into her eyes. She looked confused and annoyed. She's so pretty and I think she had braces on,but I couldn't really see properly,because she was frowning at me. "Uhm watch where you going." She rolled her eyes then walked away. I was so annoyed because we both bumped into each other and she could have just said sorry. I was also annoyed and i also walked away.

I didn't really want to come here. Today was the longest ,worst day of my life. I'm tired and I just want to go home. The bell rang and it was time to go home or for some of us hostel. There was some nice girl who was in the same hostel grounds as me so she helped me find my way. She said her name is Alicia. Luckily we were put in the same room. I asked her how she knew that I was in the same hostel as hers. She told me some lady came here and left my things and showed her a picture of me so that she can find me. Although it was easy to find me since I was the only person who looked lost. She was tall funny and that kinda made her a little attractive. Trust me I'm not into girls but she's cute. I felt normal around her. She was easy to talk to and she didn't make me feel weird or stare at me in a weird way like the other girls here. My mom called me at night and asked me how my first day was,I lied. I lied because I didn't want to seem weak. I didn't want to seem as if I need them or something. I like feeling independent and in control of my life so I lied. We ended the call and deep inside I just wanted to tell her that I hate this place. I know I'm supposed to be vulnerable around my parents and let them see that side of me, but I don't think they deserve to see it.

Weeks went by and I still don't like this place. We finished writing our term tests so it was time to go home. I just wanted to be in my bed with my phone alone and maybe see my family,but the first idea sounds more fun. My mom sent someone to pick me up and drove me to Pretoria. First person I called was Bryson. He was the first person I wanted to see. He kept on checking up on me. Bryson and I have never had sex but we always talked about it and have weird and stupid conversations about it. I'm not ready to be sexually active and I want to wait for the right time. I know there's no right time, but there's always a right time with me. I want to control that situation and make it the best experience ever.

The driver dropped me at my house and everyone was happy to see me. I was actually happy to see my siblings. Leigh-Anne(second born) and Matthew( last born). I stayed home for a few minutes and Bryson called to tell me to come outside. I told my mom i am going to see my friends. I ran out of the house and when I went outside there he was,Bryson Raymond Mendez. I ran to him and hugged him tightly. At that moment I didn't want to let him go. He picked me up and he spun me.

I was so happy to see him. He looked into my eyes and kissed me. I yearned to be held like that by him. He is my piece. Sometimes I feel like I emotionally depend on him. I feel like I am too attached to him than even if I stop loving him I'd be too scared to let him go. Sometimes I wonder if I love him or I am just too attached. The worst part is I know that I love him more than he loves me. He wouldn't fight for our relationship and I'd end up coming back and he wouldn't reject me because I'm a fool. He loves me I know but his love for me is not enough for his own heart. Maybe I'm just assuming and maybe I'm being delusional and insecure but when someone is emotionally,mentally and physically attached to you, I think you'd definitely know. With Bryson it's very easy and fun and I don't have to be worried about anything but my heart getting broken by him. He has never broken my heart but I'm scared he could one day break it. By the way Bryson is not mine he has a girlfriend. I want him and only him but he has us. She's pretty and has an amazing body and I'm not insecure or anything but I know that Bryson has so much love to give that he can share it between us. I feel sorry for the girl because she is being lied to. Bryson and I are just best friends and we act like we more than that. I told Bryson before I went to Cape Town on the call that I don't want to be a reason to someone's unhappiness and that it's not fair for the girl, therefore I gave him the go ahead to continue with whatever they were doing. It makes me sad trust me but I can never admit that to him.

-"Hey baby how are you?"

I was kinda shocked he called me baby, but it made happy and feel weird at the same time.

- "Hey I'm good I'm just happy to see you that's all"

-"I'm happy too, it's been a month since I've seen you"

- "yeah it kinda sucks not seeing you. I hate everything about that place and that I can't see you"

-"yeah but you here now and that counts"

(Ring ring)

- " "ugh my mom is calling she wants me to come back I'll see you okay"

- "ugh yeah I love you okay" He looked disappointed

- "I love you too" I then went back home.