Literally just a guy with narcolepsy that they dressed up like a samurai

The girl in the kitchen made a strange face.

"You must be new around here, huh?"

Yeah I think I've been alive for about an hour?

"Oh wow your pronunciation of common is very, very good for only an hour of practice."

Kamsa, mademoiselle.

"Dou itashimashite."

What's your name anyway, cook girl? I probably shouldn't just keep calling you cook girl.

"I'm Shully. What's your name, disembodied voice?"

That's it, you got it. You can call me D.V. for short.

Shully giggled.

How could you tell I was new to the Shallows, though?

----

In a quiet alleyway close to the center of the city, a manhole cover rattled before it was shifted aside from underneath, and that white haired girl poked her head out, looking smug for some reason.

"I'm Kicks! The big guy is Tanner, and the little one with the flames on his ears is Ash."

I didn't ask.

"Did I ask if you asked?"

...No.

"Then what are you saying stupid shit for, tsk, 'I didn't ask' tsk it's called 'pleased to meet you' tsk, acting all important when I'm trying to be nice tsk, why did I even try tsk, please."

Ash crawled out of the sewer and spoke up as Kicks grumbled.

"You wanted to know why no one goes against Doghead, right?"

Sure.

"You ever heard the phrase 'With absolute power comes absolute power?'"

Can't say I have.

"Well now you have. And now you know why people don't mess with Doghead."

Uh, I might need a bit more of an explanation.

Tanner poked his head out of the hole. "Their leader's a godsdamn madman, man."

He's that strong? Or is everyone else too weak?

----

Shully pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven, set it down, and wiped her brow.

"Well, it's not like there aren't other strong people."

Like who?

"My boss, Adeline Ivy," she scrunched her face up at the name. "for one. And then the other would be..."

----

The man in the suit and bunny slippers spoke with a mouth full of sandwich.

"My pap!"

Who's your pap, big man?

"Bide Butler. Head of Butler Inc."

Oh you guys run a corporation? What do you incorporate?

"Uhh..."

Are you a shareholder? How much did you pay in taxes last year?

"Um."

Alright good talking with ya man, stay safe.

----

"And I guess Cross, Pomme Franz, the Blackfoot twins, and Colt Weyer (screw that guy though) all count as pretty strong groups as well."

Tanner rattled off some names as the trio walked down an alleyway.

Kicks cut in. "But Kaiser Doghead is next level."

And Ash followed up. "Yeah, even Vortex Style Tanner can't beat him."

Vortex style?

"VOoooooOoooorteeeeEEExxx styyyylleeeee!!!" Kicks spun her head around rapidly, whipping Tanner in the face multiple times with her hair.

Ash burst out laughing, while Tanner pulled a face and stared off into the distance pointedly.

"Hey, hey Tanner, is this vortex style? Am I doing it?" Kicks windmilled her arms and spun in circles.

"Tanner, watch me, watch me! VoooooOoOOOrtexxxxx!!!" Ash flapped his arms like a chicken and puffed out his cheeks.

Kicks raised a leg and farted. She wafted the fart towards Tanner. "Tanner are these the vortexes? Did I do it right?"

"I hate you guys."

Ash and Kicks laughed even harder. "VooooOOOOOoooortexxx Styllllleee!!!!"

...What the hell is vortex style I don't get it.

----

Shully sat on a stool in the kitchen, holding an apple.

"Um, It's not just the leader of Doghead that's the problem though."

She bit into the apple and savored the flavor for a moment, then continued speaking.

"He's got four canines. That's what he calls his officers."

They're really leaning in on that dog theme, huh?

"They really are." She nodded sagely and took another bite of the apple.

----

In a smoky bowling alley on the north end of the city, a wolf beastman pulled up a finely crafted slideshow on his phone. A group of wolf beastmen with repeating crossbows squinted and leaned forwards as they tried to see the tiny pictures from their seats.

"The first canine, and our first target: Bliss the succubus. She's easy to distinguish from any other succubus, cause she's green instead of pink or purple. And instead of aphrodisiac, she salivates poison. Her tail is strong enough to bind and strangle a man to death, and on top of that, I hear she's a powerful mage. Don't want to mess with this one."

"Is she green because of the poison, or is she poisonous cause she's green?"

Someone asked.

"No she's just an albino."

Someone else answered.

Albino succubi are green? You for sure just pulled that out of your ass.

"Eh, it sounds fake enough to be true."

Haha. I'm stealing that phrase.

"The second canine: Owen. Big fiend guy! Owen's hard to read. He always seems relaxed and comfortable, and then he strikes! Also it's said that he can tell when people are lying somehow. No one's ever seen him use his fiendfire, so no one knows the full extent of what he's capable of. A real wild card."

"The third canine: Carmory. He's an elv, he wears these weird colorful robes, he's got two swords, and that's all I know about him. I've never seen him do anything, actually. He's always asleep. I hear he's a real nutjob though, and people say he only wakes up when he finds someone he wants to fight. Or kill. Or both. Usually both."

Or maybe he's literally just a guy with narcolepsy that they dressed up like a samurai.

"Or maybe he's just a guy with narcolepsy that they dressed up like a samurai."

The group of wolf beastmen all nodded in agreement.

"And of course the fourth, and most notorious canine: Gax. Everyone in the Shallows knows this guy. He's got a bad temper, he dresses sharp, and I hear he's even better with a knife than he is with his tongue."

What does he do with his tongue?

An unrelated succubus with a pink bowling ball cut in and answered.

"Lots of things. Want me to show you, baby?"

Is it oral sex? Does he do oral sex with his tongue? Do you want to show me oral sex?

"Well... yeah."

Then no, I'm good. Thanks though. Also, how bad do you have to be at oral sex for your partner to say 'Sorry honey, this just isn't doing it for me, can you bring that knife back over here?'

Pfft! The whole group broke out in howling laughter.

Haha gotem. Don't kinkshame, folks.

"Naw, I mean he's a smooth talker. Meet the man, have one conversation, and somehow you owe him your house, your car, and your wife."

And do you know this from personal experience or...

A single tear fell from the wolf beastman's eye as he tried to keep his poker face.

"No!"

----

The dwarv girl at the marketplace spoke sullenly.

"And if the canines weren't enough, there's also the little fact that they've got half the city mindjacked into zombie slaves."

Oh?

The girl scowled as Brun 'The Bargain' Coldsteel cut in.

"They've got these rings see? All the Doghead gang members. Shiny silver rings with the Doghead emblem on em, and they lights up with blue fire. And if they brand you on the side of your head with it, your body ain't yours no more."

Scary.

"They make us all pay 'protection fees' to live in the Shallows, and if you don't pay, can't pay, or if they say that you haven't paid, they brand you, or your family members as payment."

"Yeah. Pretty much everyone has a family member or two who's been turned."

The dwarv girl finished his thought as she stared down at her feet.

What do they do with the slaves? I haven't seen any mindjacked people on the streets, or at least I don't think I have.

----

The half naked drumming incubus in the tiny apartment room with the thin walls spoke up as he played a smooth beat on his drumset.

"No one knows! As soon as they turn, they walk into the Doghead tower, and they never come out."

Doghead tower? Which one is that?

The half naked drumming incubus's neighbor's voice came through the wall:

"Durrr I dunno, lad, which fucking tower do you think?"

Wow that's fucking rude man, wha-oh there's a tower with a giant fucking dog head symbol on it I see.

So that's where Kaiser Doghead does all his dirty is it?

"Kais... the hell is that?"

What, that's not... of course that isn't his name. What's his name?

"His name's-"

----

At the center of the Shallows, a tall, tall skyscraper emblazoned with a giant blue dog head symbol stood, oppressive and mighty. Within a dark room that crowned the peak of that skyscraper, an old phone rang one last time, a call went to voicemail, and the deep, sonorous voice of a powerful man flowed forth, crashed against the walls and pounded against the glass. The first name that that man spoke was:

"Rathbone! How ya doin, buddy? It's your old pal, Bide. You still cooped up in your little skyscraper, playing like you're a king, looking down on all those shitstains in the slums? Hah. You may not have heard. I've put those days behind me. Or, should I say, below me. You know what waking up every morning in a 7.5 trillion claw skyship is like? Of course you don't. I'll tell ya: It's like walking on air."

"This morning though, I must say I'm a bit disappointed. You see right now, I'm standing deep in the center of my ship, the Noblesse, past tens of armored steel doors thicker than my lady's ass, locked by ciphers too complicated for their creators to comprehend, that I and only I know the keys to. Tens of armored steel doors, each trained upon by a slew of automated high calibre weapons promising a multitude of colorful manners of death to any trespassers who dare tread."

"And at the end of this gauntlet, a vault filled with riches you couldn't begin to imagine, much less hope to obtain. Now I am currently standing within said vault, staring at the space that my half of the Odd Atlas, map to all realms, key to the treasure trove of the master thief Ochime Odd... used to occupy. Stolen! Haha. Without a single alarm triggered, a single weapon fired, a single mote of dust displaced! If it wasn't for a whim of mine to lead me to go and inspect my treasures this mornin', I'd have never guessed anything was amiss. Truly the work of an exemplary and detestable thief, that's for certain, and a strangely particular thief at that; not a bill, coin, gem, nor tome was touched, apart from that map."

"Now don't be mistaken. That half of the atlas? I could care less about it. It's a little thing for little people, fools intent on squandering their lives away scrabbling for riches they don't deserve. But I kept it, cause keeping you from getting the other half you needed kept a giddy little smile on my face at all hours of the day and into the wee hours of the night. Waking up this morning to find my simple source of joy stolen however, has put the two of us at an impasse."

"Rathbone. Buddy! You know that I know you're the only one who would go out of their way to fuck with me. And I know that you know that doing so would be suicidal, right? So I truly must ask: you doin' alright? Has the absence of skylight finally awakened your desire to die? Is your sense of self-preservation well and intact?"

"Cause the gods know I do try, but I truly can't help the little voice inside me that just wants to scream out: WHERE'S MY MAP MOTHERFUCKER!? WHERE IS IT! YOU THINK YOU CAN STEAL FROM ME? YOU'RE DEAD YOU HEAR ME? DEAD! I'M GONNA RIP OPEN YOUR STOMACH, AND HANG YOU, BY YOUR OWN GODSDAMNED GUTS!"

His furious voice shook the heavy oaken table and put fine, fine, spiderweb fractures in the thick glass windows. He breathed hard through the receiver, and slowly retained his composure.

"But I must control that anger, restrain that impulse, because with knowledge, comes understanding. And I know the source of this misunderstanding, the source of the foolish, petty, and misguided thoughts that led you to attempt to slight your betters! This is a naught but a cry for attention. You miss me! I guess if you beat a dog daily then leave it to die it starts to whine for the whip. I really must've been up in the heavens for far too long cause you're asking for a beating, Rathbone."

"And how can I turn down an old friend? So here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill everyone who works for you. I'm gonna take both halves of my treasure map off your cold corpse, and by the time my boys have tracked down that cache, I'll have forgotten all about you."

"Is what you wanted to hear, right? Haha. I'm a busy man who hasn't the time to personally entertain the temper tantrums of any random fool off the street. My boys'll drop by to take your life and your map. Wipe all traces of your presence off of said map. After leveling your pathetic skyscraper, I may even be gracious enough to consider turnin it into something nice for the kids. A park! Or a library. Drug counseling center! For now, I have business to attend to. Festivities won't enjoy themselves, now will they?"

"Hope you and yours can enjoy the holidays, Rathbone."

"Yours truly, Bide Butler."

*click*

The message ended, and the room was silent once more.