18| Motherly love

I spend the whole weekend reconnecting with my mother. Time together was something we rarely had back home, but now that she's not working and with Aunt Lilly taking care of things, she's got a lot more free time on her hands.

On the Saturday, Aunt Lilly presents us with spa vouchers at breakfast. Mom, for the most part, looks confused by this gesture, but I pry the tickets from Aunt Lilly's hands and throw my arms around her. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

It's not just a facial I'm excited about. Going to the spa was always something Mom and I would do when I was around eight or nine. We'd pack an overnight bag and go for a facial and some down time. I thought it was our thing, her way of spending time with me, but now I think it was just a way to leave Dad for a while.

"I'll pay you back," Mom says at last, taking a sip of her coffee. "When I secure a job, I'll pay you back. I've got an interview next week."

Aunt Lilly's mouth remains a tight, thin line. "I keep telling you, Lorraine, you don't need to pay me back for anything. You're a guest in our house. We don't expect you to pay for anything. Where's the interview at?"

My mother takes another sip of coffee. "Just the local bookstore, Gregg's books. Nothing special, but I figure it will get me out of the house and earning my own money."

Aunt Lilly is silent, but she is staring at my mother from across the table with narrowed eyes. She must take it as some personal insult that my mother doesn't want to be financially dependent on her, but I know the reason that sits behind it. My mother spent years having to ask my father for pocket money, having to be at his mercy; I can't blame her for wanting her freedom.

"Well, that's great to hear," Uncle Tim says with a big cheesy grin. "Let's hope you get it. We'll have a reason to go out and celebrate. Won't we, Lill?" He nudges Aunt Lilly's shoulder as he says it, his way of reminding her to be polite.

Aunt Lilly heeds his advice and smiles tightly. "Yes, of course. Gregg's Books is a lovely little book shop. They do an afternoon tea there every Friday, too. If you get the job, we should all visit."

It's Mom's turn to smile tightly, because this sounds like her worst nightmare. "That would be lovely."

I look between them all with uncertainty. It's weird that we're a family but acting like strangers. I hate it: the pretences and the fakeness and the no one ever really saying what they feel; it's exhausting.

I'm glad when breakfast is finally over and it's just Mom and me. The taxi ride to the spa is silent, so I spend it gazing out of the window and comparing LA to New York. I haven't exactly been here long, but already I know which I prefer.

When we pull up, it's to a large, sprawling hotel with green, leafy gardens running all the way to the entrance. We make our way through the reception and over to the counter, where a pleasant woman named Cynthia shows us to the spa.

She tells us a little bit about the facilities and leads us into the changing room, where we change into our bathing suits and grab a white robe each. Once we've both tied our hair up, we follow the hall into the main spa and hover under the archway.

It's small but tranquil, with dark blue lights lining an oval shaped pool. In the corner is an empty hot tub, shaped like a heart, and on the other side, the steam room and sauna.

"Hot tub?" Mom says.

I find myself grinning. "A world of yes."

I follow her into the hot tub and sink back into the bubbles, leaning back on the cushioned headrest. I was never old enough to use the hot tubs during our spa visits before; it feels strange being able to now.

At some point, Mom makes idle chit chat about how school is going and asks if I've made any friends. I think about June, who, though we've spent some time together, I wouldn't yet consider a friend. Outside of that, there isn't anyone else unless I count Hayden. What would he even be like as a friend? Kind? Caring? I somehow doubt it.

I lie and tell her I've made a ton, naming random people from my class that I've yet to speak to. I've always been shy, and the people at my new school aren't the type to speak to unless you speak to them first. It's made making friends harder than I'd anticipated.

"Well, I'm glad," Mom says, and she looks genuinely relieved. I guess lying was the right idea. "You know, I wish I could just live in here forever."

I peer at her from over a mountain of bubbles. "You'd get wrinkly after a while."

She laughs. "Okay, I want to live in here for the next two hours, then."

"Me, too." I lean back again, allowing the jets to massage my still aching muscles. My training sessions with Hayden are really taking their toll.

After a minute or two, I open my eyes and peer at my mother, who is leant back with her own eyes closed, her face free from worry. The more time we spend together, the more I keep thinking about what Jamie told my father. My dad could be on his way here right now, and she'd be utterly unprepared.

"Mom?"

She cracks open an eye to look at me. "Mmm?"

I take a deep breath. "What do you think dad would do if he were ever to find us here?"

Her face suddenly pales, and she grips the side of the hot tub and looks around before remembering where she is. Finally, she turns to face me; the fear in her eyes is unmistakable. "Something horrific enough to make me pray he never does."

I swallow hard and lean back again, ignoring the thumping in my chest. The fear I'd seen in her eyes has only reassured me that I've been right not to tell her the truth. She's just starting to put her life back together, to feel comfortable here. What kind of daughter would I be if I knowingly took away her hope?

Back home, after an afternoon of facials and scrubs, I head straight to my bedroom and call Jamie. We haven't spoken in a while, and it's partly because I'm still mad at him. I know it's not logical or rational to be angry, that it's not his fault he told my dad where we are. But sometimes, emotions just aren't logical or rational.

"Hey," he says after the first ring. "Long time no hear."

I force a laugh at his cheesy joke. "I know, sorry. I've just been spending some time with my family."

He shuffles around, and I know it's because he's getting ready for bed. "What happened with that guy spreading rumors?" he asks. "You didn't really say."

I wave my hand mindlessly before realizing he can't see me. "It turns out it was just a misunderstanding, he wasn't spreading rumors."

He lets out a laugh, but it lacks real humor. "Did he say that to you? And you actually believed it? Don't be so naive, Mads."

I find myself frowning. "I'm not being naive. He isn't the type of guy who needs to lie about who he sleeps with, believe me."

The line goes silent. I've said the wrong thing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks. "Do you like him, or something?"

"No, of course not," I say. "I'm just saying that he doesn't need to lie about sleeping with someone like me."

"What do you mean someone like you? He'd be lucky to have someone like you. And I'm just saying I don't trust him is all."

My frustration with him disperses a little. "Well, we don't need to trust him. He's just training me, nothing else."

He sighs and starts talking about some project he's working on, and I can't help but feel the distance between us. He's made some new friends outside of school, so he's bringing up names of people I've never even met. I try to talk about training, but I can't tell him why this training is so important to me, so it leads to dead ends. We both grasp at straws, trying to keep the conversation going, but eventually, we say goodnight. When we hang up, it feels like the end.

A/NHope everyone is doing okay!! Comment a heart emoji if you're ready for another chapter ❤️