1 Beyond Myself

"How are you feeling today?" She asked in the same old, tender and oddly satisfying voice. How was I feeling today? Was I feeling anything at all? Could my answer be right or wrong?.

"Karenina...?" She called in the exact same tender and satisfying voice. I shrugged my shoulders as an answer. "I don't know..." I said almost to myself while I was looking down to the soft pattern Mrs. Williams had on her office rug.

"I... I don't feel anything. It's like my life is on pause. It feels like I died and went to limbo" I said. Mrs. Williams kept looking at me with tender eyes. Sometimes I feel sorry for Mrs. Williams. Mrs. Williams is a very kind old lady and is the only person on earth who gets the worse version of me.

"I-I'm sorry, That's not an answer. I feel... okay, I'm good actually. It's been a good couple of months" I said trying to be better, better for her.

Mrs. Williams smiled and her little blue eyes locked with mine. "Karenina, this is a safe space. When it comes to feelings, we don't have a right or wrong answer. You feel what you feel. Your answer was very meaningful" Mrs. William told me. "Listen, Karenina..." she said while sighing "I'm going to be very honest with you. You're a very healthy young woman, I don't mind having you and our sessions, but truly, you don't need them. You're simply a woman who's bored of her life. You need action, an adventure. Something wild. You're fire living on ice and that's okay."

I'm fire living on ice. I've never thought of myself as fire nor my world as ice.

"Maybe i'm scared of fire" i whispered letting my guard down and looking deeply into my doctor's eyes. Mrs. Williams let a victorious smile arch on her face.

"Why would you say you're scared of fire?"

Mrs. Williams may be old, kind, soft and tender, but she is a mind master. She has me where she wants me. I laughed out loud and as I laughed, the timer went out. "Oh my! Time sure passes by, huh?" She said laughing with me. "Next week, same time?" I asked excited, she nodded with a wide smile. We said goodbye warmly, as we always do and I walked out.

For the last 9 months, my life has been monotonous. I wake up, college, study, sleep and repeat. Where did my passion go? I feel the fire inside me but how do I intensify this?.

"Vanessa!" I hear from afar as I pull up in my parent's driveway. "Vanessa!!" My mother keeps screaming.

"Yes, Mrs. Kennedy?" Said Vanessa running down the stairs. Vanessa is my mother's assistant.

"Where is the Picasso I had on the safe?" My mother asked in a snarky way.

"Hi, mom"

"Not now, Nina. WHERE is it, Vanessa?" Vanessa was getting anxious so I had to jump in.

"We had to return it to the museum, mother. You don't remember?" Vanessa nodded anxiously as I finished my sentence. My mother looked at Vanessa furiously and she knew that was her cue to leave the room.

"Don't take sides with your employees, Nina. You will never have a successful business if you befriend them" said America, my mother. I let a helpless sigh go out, my mother rolled her eyes.

"You need to change that attitude, Karenina. Did you see Mrs. Williams? Why am I paying that woman if you still have that nasty attitude".

Oh my God, 4 minutes at home and my mother is on it. Again.

"What's wrong, Nina? Please talk to me" My mother begged of me, letting her 6 Cartier fall on the marble kitchen counter. I looked deep into my mother's honey eyes, I could see she was worried about my numbness, I was too.

"Mom, I love you so much. I don't know. I wish I knew, it's weird".

"Baby girl, you just need to focus on your surroundings. You come from a wealthy family, you're beautiful, young, smart, on your way to become a Doctor, you have tons of friends... what more do you need?" She said Desperately.

What DO I need? Do I have it all? Theres nothing more to life?

"Mom..." My eyes began to fill up with water. My mother ran to the other side of kitchen and hugged me tightly, I could feel her heart beating fast next to mine. I felt Safe.

"Baby, I know it's tough. We've all been there, Sometimes we all feel below zero. But, You can't let your mind win. Stop asking questions, stop doubting and just do things, go out. Have fun" I hugged her tighter.

Maybe my mother was right. I'm always looking for answers, for the RIGHT answer. That's why I study science, because I need to know, have control and win. Life is just a constant experiment.

I dried my eyes and smiled.

"You're right, mom. I need to just snap out of it" I could see how my mother's eyes shined with hope.

"Oh, Nina! I'm so happy you say that. When was the last time you hung out?"

"Wow... I-I don't remember"

"Why don't you call Deonne and hang out?"

"You know what? Maybe I will"

"Maybe? You go do that right now" said my mother excited and I was excited too. I felt... hopeful for the first time in many months, I had something to look forward to. Since mother knows best, I ran up the stairs to ring Deonne up.