9 Behind The Scenes

"Evening everyone, you all right?" A man in green shorts and an oversized Manchester United football shirt stood on the beach with the ocean up to his knees. "Daz Muffin here with tonight's forecast." Daz dazed up at the moon before steering his head back to the camera. "Now I won't tell any lies to you, the weather is going to be absolutely shit." Kicking the ocean about, he felt the water with his fingertips. "It is fucking freezing. It looks bloody warm but it's fucking cold. The weather tomorrow is going to be fucking shit. Expect lots of showers and storms. I spent £200 on a fake tan the other day and now look!"

He lifted his knees to reveal pale legs. "See how shit the weather is! Anyway, this morning, the temperature was 25 degrees and we were like sardines and tonight, it's 5 degrees. It's always either too hot or too cold. That's why the weather is going to be absolutely shit! So, if you're expecting a tropical oasis like they have on Love Island, I'd hate to disappoint you, but the weather is going to be fucking shit. This is Daz Muffin from the hood with tonight's weather forecast. Thank you and whatever time zone you're in- have a good night or day."

"Well done, my little muffin!" Sia clapped vigorously in front of the many screens in the studio. "What a marvellous performance!"

Daz spoke into his headpiece. "It's all right. I was just saying it as it is."

"Of course. Well you better get to bed. You've got to be up for the morning show."

"I know and I've ran out of cans already."

"I'm sure you can survive without them for a few days...or weeks."

"Damn, I can't wait that long without a beer!"

Sia laughed. "Well you shouldn't have drank them all at once then."

Daz lowered his head. "I guess you're right."

"I'm always right."

"Well, I'm coming up now. I'll see you in a bit."

"See ya!" The screen with Daz was replaced by a screen of robots dancing outside the temple in the middle of the island. Drinking one of Daz's beloved stouts, she threw the empty can in the trash and looked up at the robots. "You robots are fun to watch, it's a shame you're going to die."

"So, what do you think about Kiki?" Sergeant Dust asked as he strolled through the door with a cigar in his hand.

"She's okay. Doubt she'll last!"

"Me neither. How did she get in?"

"She was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Shouldn't we remove her from the island?" Sergeant Dust suggested, raising his voice with each syllable. "Kiki could be dangerous. Kiki could be a bomb planted by Professor Denki. It makes sense, Yuzuko is his granddaughter."

"Professor Denki is a wuss!" Sia insisted. "He would never inflict harm on anybody or anything."

Sergeant Dust widened his eyes. Scratching his tilted head, he remembered the things Sia said in the previous seasons. "You've told us time and time again that Professor Denki is the evillest man on the planet."

"And he is."

"But he's raised billions for charity!"

"So, have I!"

"He wants to make the world a better place."

"We all want to make the world a better place."

"He's smart."

Sia snatched Sergeant Dust's gun from his pocket and rammed it in his cheek. "Professor Denki is evil because I said so. Don't question my authority."

"Yes, ma'am!"

"I don't know what's come over you!"

"I was worried that Kiki could be Professor Denki's ploy to hack the game."

Sia howled with laughter. "Don't be silly. If he wanted to hack the game, he would have done it by now."

"Sia!" Sergeant Dust gasped as the screens shut down.

Sia twirled. "What is it?" The screens went back on and were all replaced with a bunch of men in pink boxers gathered around a karaoke booth. Sia turned away in disgust and covered her ears. Her ex-husband may have aged well, but she aged better. "I can't believe I'm getting rickroll'd by my ex-husband."

"It's quite a catchy tune."

Sia slapped him. "Stop tapping your feet and do something!"

"My men are on it!" Sergeant Dust stormed out, with his cigar ashes crumbling on his uniform.

Sia was pleased that she didn't have to hear the second verse. Her ears rang with relief at the sound of firing guns from the screen on the bottom row. After seeing some robots fall, her eyes became fixated at the screen in the top corner. Yuzuko and Sakura were making love in a shack surrounded by fallen robots. She wanted to smile like a proud relative, but she was frustrated at the same time. Out of all the contestants on the screen, they zoomed in on Sakura and Yuzuko the most, going around every drone to ensure each angle was captured.

A part of Sia felt sick.

She had enjoyed watching them succumb to violence and lust for decades. It was empowering for her for times that she felt sad. It kept her assured that she was a lady.

The tragic backstories and acts of immorality made Sia feel like an established member of society – a cut above the rest.

The thought of people masturbating to her granddaughter made her insides churn. Her composure took a beating. She closed her eyes for five seconds and when she opened her eyes, Hendrik, who was still covered in vomit, stormed into the hut with his baseball bat. Sia pressed the button to activate the audio.

"Evil products of sin!" Hendrik roared at the couple as if they were devils. Sia observed every swing. Her facial expressions changed from slick smiles to sighs of horror. Until tonight, she did not know her granddaughter's name, now she was fighting for her life against robots and some vomit-covered pimp.

Her heart sank, she promised her fans that she would never interfere with the program. Her super fans would understand, but she knew the ratings would drop if the press or any of Professor Denki's spies caught her. She may run the show, but even she had rules that had to be obeyed.

"Dammit!" A tequila glass shattered around Sia's heels. Not the first time and most certainly won't be the last. Yuzuko dropped her katana. "Come on Poppet! Pick it up and have him."

Some robots were coming towards the cliff, but a few vocal demands would get them out the way.

"All robots in area A4 on the map, please proceed to the temple at C2."

"YES MA'AM!" The robots fled. Sia sighed with relief. With a few commands, she could order them not to attack Yuzuko and Mariangela, at the cost of losing fans. It wouldn't save them from the other contestants or each other, but at least they wouldn't be a robot's dinner.

"Gay people go to hell!" Hendrik roared.

Sia wanted to throw her shoe at him, but at the same time, did not want the American President complaining about buying more screens. "Says the man with four wives!" The blatant hypocrisy was the reason why Sia was ashamed to be baptised a Roman Catholic.

Hendrik aimed for Yuzuko, but Sakura sliced his baseball bat in half. Sia spent the next five minutes cussing in multiple languages, pulling onto her hair until Yuzuko's sword pierced through his stomach.

"YOU GO, GIRL!" Sia rose to her feet. Her only wish was for Yuzuko to be more brutal.

Yuzuko drew the sword out and escaped the red eruption. Sia felt like a proud parent. "That's my girl." She never had a chance to develop a maternal instinct with Harumi, so she thought of all the contestants from the past, present and future, as her babies.

Daz strolled into the studio with his iPhone 69 in his hand. "Blimey! That was a cracking show."

Sia stood up and moved the chair towards Daz. "And what a spectacular opening night. Does it say how many people are streaming?"

"My phone says there's 8 million people streaming Sakura and Yuzuko right now. But between all our channels, there's at least 25 million. We're expecting 3.5 billion people to be tuning in to the morning announcement tomorrow.''

Sia hurdled her shoulders together and squealed. "Oh, how exciting!"

Sergeant Dust and some of his men strolled in with cigarettes in their right hands. "So that's one pair down already."

"Good bloody riddance to them too!" Sia snarled, stomping her heels. "They got what was coming to them."

The soldier behind Sergeant Dust spoke. "We saw something amazing before Hendrik died."

Sia turned around. "Did you?"

"Yes," Sergeant Dust said, stubbing his cigarette on the ground. "The robots were just about to jump off the cliff on A3, then they went off to the temple."

"I saw that too!" Sia said, acting surprised. "How peculiar."

"At first, I thought you might have ordered them to stop," Sergeant Dust admitted. "Then I remembered... the only fluid they like is human blood."

"I think if Hendrik wasn't such a homophobic twat, he would have survived." Daz got a packet of cigars out. "Would anyone like one?"

Sia rolled her eyes. "No, thank you!"

"Yes, please!" Sergeant Dust never refused a free smoke.

Daz turned over to Sia. "I would have thought with one of the Japanese lesbians being Professor Denki's granddaughter that you'd want her to be the first to die."

Sia resisted the temptation to punch Daz's empty face. She placed her clenched fists behind her back and cackled in hysteria. "Why would I want Yuzuko dead?" She leaned over to Daz and growled. "It's not her fault that her grandfather is a scumbag."

She stormed off to her private chambers. She overheard Daz and Sergeant Dust talking, but she didn't care what they thought.

"Hey Dust! Don't you think Sia's acting a bit odd. Could it be the cannabis?"

Sergeant Dust shook his head. "Sia's not seen her daughter since the divorce. Professor Denki keeps his family life private. For all we know, Yuzuko could be Sia's granddaughter."

Daz squinted. "How does that work? Yuzuko's 18, and Sia's lass has got to be in her early thirties."

The cigar smoke bonded the men together. "It's very possible. Sia had Harumi at 18. I recall one of the spies saying Harumi was pregnant at 16." Sergeant Dust nodded. "Yes, it's very possible. Getting pregnant young seems to run in the family. Wouldn't surprise me if Yuzuko's popped one out."

"Teenage pregnancy doesn't happen in Japan!" Daz widened his eyes as he inhaled the smoke. "What makes you think Yuzuko's had a kid?"

"She had some stretch marks on her tummy. Like the ones my mother had. Did you not notice them?"

"To be honest, I was paying more attention to her arse."

"Yes. I often wonder what it's like to have your brain for the day."

Sia scurried to the bottles of liquor under her king-sized bed. A flick of the buttons and her chambers were locked. The pink tiles on her wall had been replaced with television screens and in the middle, she saw Sergeant Dust and Daz smoking in her office. Their conversation had derailed into politics and porn. She considered herself lucky to be out of the room. Her eyes turned to Yuzuko sleeping in Sakura's arms. If Sergeant Dust's calculations were correct, it meant that she was a great-grandmother!

Turning to the mirror, she looked as youthful as ever. Going through her purple curls, she gasped in horror over the silver strands. She was fifty-two, and not getting any younger. "I must get my PA to call my surgeon and hairdresser once the show is over."

Looking back at her granddaughter, she could see why Yuzuko was the bookie's favourite.

Game of Mass Destruction had always been proud of its equality and diversity in the show, but Sia knew that Yuzuko was something special. She had to be protected at all costs.

Hendrik dead

Sakura & Yuzuko – 150 points

24.11 points between all pairs

930 robots remaining