12 curia advisari vult

Life became bland and colorless after the funeral, I barely thought or cared for the job I was doing, when this was the same job that murdered my fiancée, I felt deeply hollow inside. I felt like I had dishonored the family name of Tucker and it hurt so deeply inside. I felt like a failure, like someone that should have died on that concrete floor instead of Naomi, my beautiful bride. She was supposed to get married to me and we were supposed to be on a honeymoon soon, instead, I was taking time off to mourn and grieve her death at the hands of gunmen. Oh and speaking of which, I had to testify against them, the ADA's name was Ben Stone and he was a smart man, he was a wise man, but he still seemed to be someone that was afraid to cross the line or make any scenes in court. But I sensed a deep goodness in his soul, I sensed a talent for law deep within him and I hoped that my gut would not be wrong in my assessment about him. At the grand jury, Ben was able to easily indict the gunman on multiple charges including murder of a officer and attempted murder. Talking during the indictment felt like I was swallowing a bag of rocks and it was so hard to talk about the death of Naomi, I almost began to cry in the middle of court. But I knew any display of emotions would prejudice the jury and I could not afford that when the defense attorney was a powerful man who was from one of the most controversial firms that many people had ever known.

After the indictment was handed down, I breathed a intense sigh of relief as Ben told me solemnly

"Detective Ed Tucker, I promise you that I will have him behind bars. Your Fiancée will get justice. I will see to it that it happens. No matter what, I will not rest or sleep, I will work hard to make sure he never breathes free air again."

I don't claim to have intimate knowledge of the court or how the system works, the tracks in New York State were already confusing enough for a common observer. But one thing was for sure that it was common knowledge already that the court systems were packed and overcrowded with cases by the millions upon millions, a trial could take years and that was the most infuriating part, that I, too could die or be killed in the line of duty before I could enter the witness box. I was determined to testify and to make sure that son of a bitch never saw light again, I hoped that deep within, he would rot in hell before I got my hands on him. Because if I did, I would strangle that son of a bitch for pumping up my beautiful Fiancée with lead in her body and my blood boiled each time I thought of him.

I still hoped each and everyday, I would wake up to the sound of Naomi snoring and that I would be able to cuddle her once more, that I would be able to beg her and plead to her to not go undercover with me, to save her from the terrible fate, but no matter how much I was told it wasn't my fault, the more I was convinced it was. There had to be a reason that she died, there had to be a reason she had been caught in the hail of bullets and not me. It really hurt inside trying to ruminate over what could have been, what should have been. Soon Jason had to leave for Seattle and I was alone once more with my thoughts and that was the most terrifying part, I always had a fear and insecurity of being alone by myself, being alone was frightening because in a sense, I was my own worst enemy, my thoughts were poison and that being alone meant that I was forced to confront those thoughts...alone. And to be fair, I never really learned to trust anybody, my parents divorced when I was still a kid. Watching them argue and yell and scream at each other in hurtful ways and it only served to teach me what a healthy relationship should not  be. The fact that I was later raped at a camp served to show that I could never trust anybody of any authority position again. I still had issues around having trust for others because so many had kept breaking my trust, after all, how many times can you repair something that is so broken until you realize you can no longer piece together what has been damaged beyond recognition?

My self worth was crumbling to pieces, my confidence was reduced to rubble, I didn't have the desire or the energy to put up the wall of being peppy and happy, my face was a mask of sadness, depression and grief from loss and my face was beginning to prematurely age. Even my hair was starting to gray and turn white at the roots of my forehead and it was starting to feel embarrassing. I started to realize that it really wasn't in my best interests to be in a long term relationship...not especially when love would force me to compromise my ideals, which I absolutely would not do under any circumstances whatsoever, even if I happened to be shot up full of lead. I mean, take a look at the fucking precinct I work in, every single one of us, except for me and Naomi, before Naomi was brutally shot up, was single. Not a single one of them, not even Captain Waterstone was even dating anybody. Marriage seemed like a gamble that nobody was ready for because of how dangerous and unpredictable our jobs were. I mean, as a matter of fact, we all as a police unit were completely fucked up to the point that we couldn't relate to civilians any longer. I couldn't think of anybody from units like SVU, Vice, Internal Affairs, Homicide, Organized Crime, Robbery or Kidnappings that was in a major relationship, even sometimes work relationships ended up messy so often, it was better not to get in a relationship in the first place.