10 ad coelum

I woke up and I slammed my fist on the alarm clock as it blared, dreading this day, my body hurt all over, especially my bullet wound. It was still very much fresh and in pain from the trauma I had endured and I forgot to take my pain pill, I was going to be very much fucked if I did take my pain pill and very much fucked if I didn't, but I would rather be awake and in pain than to be asleep at my fiancée's funeral so I decided to leave the pills until later after the funeral. I then slid out of bed, my arm stinging and burning horribly as I tried to disturb it as little as possible and I gritted my teeth, tears from pain were forming in my eyes and I hated it so much. I decided to go shower, and fast. I didn't want to smell like a pig sty while burying Naomi. 

I then carefully and tentatively wrapped a plastic bag around my left arm so that water wouldn't soak my wound and bandages and then I turned on the showerhead and then I stepped inside and let the water wash me down a little, then I grabbed some Selsun Blue and squeezed some onto my right hand and then massaged the soap through my head, determined to bathe myself without anybody's help, it would be rather embarrassing if I asked for Jason's help to help me shower. He might be my twin brother, but I was not comfortable having him see my body as it is...ever. I could hear him knocking on the door as he called out

"Hey if you fall in there, just scream for me okay?"

I just chuckled sadly and rolled my eyes and then added "Okay Jason. Just listen for my screams or else I will haunt you if I drown in the tub!"

I could hear Jason snickering in the corner and then added "Okay, if you say so."

I then scrubbed my brown locks of hair and washed them clean and then put on conditioner afterwards and let it sit for a couple minutes and then washed it out as well, washing my hair took twice as long because I was trying to keep the movement of my left arm to a minimum as it was throbbing already and driving me nuts as it was. I needed those drugs to help me through the day, it was already becoming intolerable without the Hydrocodone I needed to not start screaming and thrashing horribly around in pain. I then grabbed some Irish Spring and then squeezed some soap on the pouf and then scrubbed myself all over and then I washed the soap off and then I wrapped the towel around me and that's when it hit me and I broke down sobbing as I gazed into the moist, water fogged mirror in front of me that I actually was going to be burying my fiancée, that this was finally it and my heart was breaking into millions of pieces. 

I then walked into my bedroom and found my dress blues, and my shoes lying perfectly on my bed along with my underclothes and some fresh bandages and the antibiotic cream. I then unwrapped my bandage and gazed at the bullet wound, it still was very much fresh and red looking and then I put antibiotic cream as well as corticosteroid cream and then grabbed the fresh gauze and then held them down...but I was struggling so I yelled

"Hey Jason? Now would be a great time to show up and help me! Please Jason!"

He then called back "I'm coming Ed! Don't worry." 

I tightened the towel round my waist so that it wouldn't fall down by accident and give him an unwanted view of my nether regions. I then let him in my room and he respectfully came in, and grabbed the gauze and then said 

"Can you hold the gauze for me? I'll do the taping for you."

I numbly nodded and then held down the gauze as he wrapped it tightly, but not so tight that it would cut off the circulation to the rest of my arm and hand and then added softly 

"Do you want help getting dressed. I promise I won't judge."

I nodded quickly and then I dressed into my underclothes as he looked away and then he helped me into my pants and then helped me tie up the belt and then Jason helped button up my collared shirt which was starched white and had the precinct number in brass pins tacked onto the corners of each side of the collar. Then Jason helped tie on the tie that went round my neck under my collar carefully, he tied it deftly and in a skilled manner in a Four in Hand Knot and then opened the small cardboard box and pulled out the gold plated tie clip and then clipped down my tie properly and then helped the jacket onto me and then pinned my badge and ribbon bars onto me and verified to make sure they were in the proper order and he helped me with my sling on and then Jason helped me put my gloves on and then helped me tie my shoes and soon we were ready to go to the funeral. Jason looked deeply concerned at me, dressed in his own dress blues from the SPD and he was looking intently at me, as if he were expecting me to breakdown, I was not going to do that...not now. 

The funeral was at a nice church, it was the same church we were planning to get married at and now, I had to hold her funeral here. It hurt so much and it scarred me so deep to realize that there was no chance in hell that I would ever see her again. She was gone forever. Soon the funeral started and the Priest did the funeral rituals and I began to break down, nearby, I could see her siblings weeping incessantly as well. I could not stop crying, the waves of grief were drowning me and battering me to pieces, my arm hurt like hell and I conveniently forgot to take my pain meds, fucking perfect.

After Commissioner Henry delivered his speech, I went up to deliver mine for Naomi. I gazed at her flag draped coffin and took a deep breath before delivering the speech, I nearly broke down in the middle of my speech and my voice trembled...constantly and then once I finished, I broke down into tears uncontrollably and couldn't stop. Soon the coffin was taken to the graveyard, the flag folded and the six gun salute was performed and the coffin was buried. And I cried so much all over again, I cried and wailed and screamed for Naomi to come back, but she was six feet under and she was cold as ice. She could never again respond. My stomach turned as the backhoe of the dirt digger push the pile of dirt into the hole she lay in...a hole that could never again be filled ever in my heart no matter how hard I tried.