5 a priori

I wanted to to open up about my developing feelings for Naomi to someone but it was hard to know who to trust and who not to trust, especially when you are in a department where trust is paramount and yet scarce to find. It was hard to trust because the so called 'brother in blue' could easily sell you out and stab your back. It was terrifying because this happened to Naomi's partner and I don't think she was ready to trust me yet, I honestly didn't blame her for her lack of trust in me, we hardly even knew each other and suddenly we were tossed together and without warning, me and Naomi were partners. Besides, I wasn't sure if Naomi even felt the same way about me at all and that scared me the most, being hurt was something I was all too familiar with since I was a teenager when Father Donovan broke me inside. 

I wasn't quite sure what did it, but I also had feelings for a male, handsome, sexy co-worker named Donald Cragen, he was a Sargent and my heart fluttered every time he smiled or spoke, It drove me crazy with insanity to know that I could be falling in love with my own coworker, not especially a male coworker. I was scared that they would fire me from the NYPD, or worse, my coworkers would let me bleed to death without backup to come and I hated the thought of how homophobia was so rampant in our workforce despite it our duty to "Protect and to serve". How fucking ironic that we, the policeman hated gays and lesbians and bisexuals and transgendered people and yet they were our fellow New Yorkers, they deserved to be heard and to be respected. My mother hated gay people and she derisively would spit horrible slurs at them that would make you gasp if you listened to her speak. I really wished I could understand why my feelings were so mixed up between men and women. I honestly wished that I knew what was going on with me at this point.

One day Vice requested my services to go undercover in a gay bar and so I went, dressed like one of them, in pink and frilly clothes and the rest of the precinct was giggling their asses off at me, frankly I didn't get what was so funny about me dressing in pink. I thought it was a beautiful and pure color and it represented strength and courage and love. I liked pink because it always brought out my blue eyes and made my brown hair look more crisp and sharp against anything including suits. I thought they were annoying as hell and I was planning to buy pink dress shirts just to piss those guys off and my, oh my, I would enjoy the hell out of the looks on their faces. 

I then went to a hole in the wall nightclub, the vibe here was much more louder and there were neon strip lights flashing dazzling colors and there was a disco ball hanging in the air. I could see tube lights forming the words of the night club named "The Crescendo" it seemed an oddly fitting name for such a beautiful place like this. The dance floor looked like a chessboard and there was a dj playing techno music by remixing records and gay men strip teased each other while dancing and twirling next to poles. I could see men in booths kissing as if their lives depended on it and I could see oodles of people standing near the bar, asking for drinks and rubbing their hands on each others asses. I suddenly became very, very thirsty and I could see things there that would leave you in shock and awe of what I did see in that night club. The whole room was lit in dark purple and blue ambient lighting and I could see drag queens singing in a corner and flirting openly and it made me in a way wanted to become one of them. I wanted to cast off the constraints of gender roles and heteronormativity and be free, be free from all of it and be one of them and explore my hidden side. 

I then sat down, waiting to bait out a drug dealer who had been giving cocaine laced with a deadlier new drug called fentanyl and it was killing gay men at an alarming rate. Not a lot of people knew but gay men were also dying of AIDS and nobody seemed to care why it was happening at all and it was so heartbreaking. I sat down next to the dealer and the dealer, as a caveat, forced me to have sex with him as a transaction to prove I was gay. I was terrified that I would get killed and he tied up my wrists to a pole behind me, nobody seemed to notice and once again, my voice didn't seem to work. I hated my damn throat, every fucking time I needed it to work, it refused to obey me, I hated how I lay there limp and tired and on the verge of tears after what was said and done. I refused to report the rape after someone untied me and got me dressed. I then managed to get him arrested thanks to Naomi tripping him and she handcuffed him afterwards. I felt like passing out from the humiliation I had endured and I wanted to throw up, but first I needed to finish my paperwork, I went back to the precinct, shaken and traumatized but I didn't care as I typed up the case report and then went to take a shower. I tried to water down the part where he raped me, but in the end, because there was no evidence I had been raped, there were no charges filed for that. 

I hated myself more than ever, feeling torn in between and I wanted to confirm I was straight, so I asked Naomi nervously one day out for some coffee and said 

"Would you like to come out to the coffee shop down the corner for some coffee and donuts?"

She snarked and giggled

"Donuts? How stereotypical of you, you know cops don't eat donuts right?"

I just rolled my eyes and added 

"Okay, okay It's a lame joke, call it a mulligan and say we are going for strudel and coffee? Sounds great?"

She nodded and I followed her, hopeful that things would turn a corner for me.