15 a posteriori

At this point in my life, my schedule became a blur, all I cared for was work and work, I barely ate or slept and I didn't take time off at all, I was constantly buried in a avalanche of paperwork and reviews of shootings and traffic stops and so on, I was basically going through the motions of life and the motions of investigating dirty cops, it felt like I was just a robot and I was just waiting, waiting for my body to collapse in a heap of bones and die. I hated being numb so much. The reason I was transferred from Manhattan to Bronx IAB was due to a horrible and tragic reason, someone had found out that I was bisexual and started insulting me and calling me slurs, it was horrible and I felt embarrassed, but one of the cops started bullying me and his name was Landon Smith and he assaulted me and punched me in the face, he threw me onto the ground and spat on me before he got up, I was mad, I was not going to take those insults lying down and I got up and I punched him in the face several times.

I watched as his nose crumpled under the weight of my fist and I started gasping for air, feeling humiliated and disgusted with myself as I realized the weight of what I had done, I had beaten the crap out of a fellow cop and this was sure to earn a lot of hatred for what I did. And I was certainly right, I earned the nickname "Tucker the Fucker" real well, and I could tell that everybody hated me, even Gary hated me so much that he shunned me. Soon my captain pulled me aside and told me 

"You know, I'll be able to drop the charges for you, I have some serious pull. You don't want your career destroyed because you couldn't handle a little workplace banter could you? here's the deal, you meet me at the hotel room tomorrow night and do me a favor and I'll do you a favor as well."

I was afraid, I was scared and to be honest, I felt like at that moment I couldn't say no, the fact that he was offering this to me, seemed like a golden opportunity to wipe my slate clean, even if it wasn't my reputation that would be cleaned up, at least my disciplinary record would remain clean and that was all that mattered to me as I hesitated and he added 

"What are you waiting for, I'm offering you the offer of a lifetime, I know that you're Catholic, could you imagine your priest finding out that you're a homosexual? Could you imagine the rest of the world finding out? You wouldn't want to dishonor the family name would you? Oh and by the way, homosexuals still are heavily discriminated against in the workforce, I would take my offer if I were you Ed."

I sat down on the bench, stunned at those threatening words, my heart was beating in absolute terror as he left me alone in the locker room, I wanted to start crying right then and there, I felt like I was trapped between a rock and a hard place, I could either refuse his offer and risk losing my job and have a black mark on my resume forever, or...I could do whatever it is I was told to do in that hotel room, the prospects were bleak and absolutely terrifying and I hated it so much, I felt like a fly caught in the web of a spider and I depended on the mercy of the spider to set me free.

The next day at night, I drove over to the hotel that he told me to meet him at, I was anxious and sweaty all over, I wanted to turn away, run away before it was all too late, but I couldn't, I shouldn't...but I should have, if I knew what would happen to me that night. I entered the room and waited for a few minutes before the captain showed up, drunk as hell and smiled at me, his breath reeked of alcohol and I was terrified, so I said

"Don't worry, you should rest. I'll find a way to explain to my family, please, you're drunk captain."

But he gripped my throat and threw me onto the bed and pulled down his pants and pulled down mine and flipped me over and thrust into me, they were rough and jagged thrusts that hurt with each movements, he grunted and moaned and huffed and puffed, all I could do was try to not cry, but tears kept leaking out of my eyes anyway, a sob started building up in my chest as I clenched my teeth from the pain of the rape, but it was no use, it hurt so horribly all over, I could feel him ejaculate in me and it made me feel sick and dirty all over, my chest was heaving and I could feel stomach acid bubble up my throat and I threw up on the pillow, I threw up all the stomach contents I had and more until my stomach was good and empty, there was a bruise starting to form on my abdomen, that didn't look good at all.

The next morning when I woke up, the captain was gone, I wanted to call Captain Waterstone from Narcotics and ask him if this was abuse of power, but I was too ashamed to pick up the phone, explain the situation to him in full detail and the reason behind it and tell him that I had been propositioned. He would probably say that it wasn't abuse of power as long as I consented and I knew I just needed a fucking shower, oh wait...a shower might not even be enough to scrub out the assault that I suffered from, I wanted to take a shower in hot bleach and scrub the insides of my skin with a pot scourer.