41 Chapter XL

It was a crisp fall day, when you decided to go outside with a friend. You take in the sight as you walk the extra mile with Hana. The park was filled with children laughing and playing about, flopping themselves on the pile of leaves on the ground that were of arrays of red and brown color. You had been hanging out as of late, finding it a bit enjoyable to be with someone of the same age and gender. The report you had been teamed up to present together had been done for a long while now. You passed the report with flying colors, but it wasn't just good grades you had achieved, there was something else that brewed within the duration of that time. It was a new-found friendship. A bond that had subsided the loneliness you've been plagued with ever since Sehun moved out.

Walking on the pavement, the two of you talked about conspiracy theories, of monsters and ghouls that might have crept the old house that you just passed by. With Hana, everything seemed different. You highly believe that she may have spent too much time on the weird side of the internet, and you found the girl to be fascinating. How she can talk on and on about myths and subliminal messages, like it's her sole purpose in life to find out if they were actually a thing, then move on to boys she likes at campus, is actually very entertaining.

"Did you know that Titanic wasn't the real Titanic?"

She spurted out the other night when you were watching the movie at her place.

"How can I forget?" You made a snarky remark, then playfully rolled your eyes. "You like, told me that for the thousandth time now."

It was her idea to watch the movie. She went on complaining how the movie doesn't give the story justice, but then squeals her lungs out whenever Leo comes up, especially when the scenes got heated, wishing she was Rose herself. Your mind on the other hand, wanders towards someone else. You remembered how you went to the kitchen to fix some snacks, just so you can avoid watching those scenes. Because watching the main characters acting like fools in love only reminded you of him. Your head swam with thoughts of the things you did together, of those times when he made you feel wanted.

"But it's true! They replaced the ship Titanic with an old, faulty one. I think it's called Olympic? Something about insurance or something. Look it up!"

If it weren't for Hana's randomness, you would've completely caved in to your feelings, and your night, like most of your nights, will be ruined. Images of him will once again haunt you in your sleep.

You wonder how he's doing, and you wonder if his father is working him out too much. Sehun didn't even have time now to text or even give you a call, let alone see you. It was devastating how things turned one-eighty, but you decided to give him the time, and the benefit of the doubt. Maybe when Christmas break starts, he will have time for you.

The idea of seeing Sehun again made you excited. You pulled Hana with you to the nearest mall, the whole afternoon consisting of you window shopping for an early Christmas gift for the man.

-----

Him: I can't come with. Busy. Sorry sweetheart.

Looking at your phone, you heave another frustrated sigh. Ever since Sehun moved back to his condo, you found him impossible to get through. He always claims he's busy, and you always end up wandering in Uni, alone. You've hardly seen him on campus, and even when he promised to meet with you, he always disses you.

You: Meeting with your father again?

You shake your head after you take a deep breath. You wished that things would have been different. It came to mind that Sehun would have been better off living a regular life. Maybe if his family weren't that rich, he can spend time with you. It had been a month since he moved out, yet you're only seeing him less and less.

Him: Sort of. It's mom's birthday. I insisted not to go so they could have some privacy, but she wanted tonight to be a family dinner.

At the mention of his mother, images of her crying and begging you to take care of her son came to mind. You felt a tinge of guilt. How can you be so selfish? Of course Sehun needs to spend more time with his family.

You: Yeah? Of course you should go! Have fun, eat lots, ok?

You replied, shrugging off the very idea that he once again stood you up. You sighed and placed your phone down the table. Being in a relationship with Sehun, you know well enough that you can't be selfish towards him, otherwise you would've fought like crazy on the regular, and that would've broken your heart, because you love the man too much. You stared at the ingredients splayed in front of you, then shook your head and smiled, bitterness lingering in the corners of your lips. Today falls as the fifth month you and Sehun became a couple. Five months into your relationship, yet here you are all by yourself. Although a lot has happened already, and it might have felt like you've been with each other for quite a while now, but family should always come first.

You stand up and take the ingredients to place them back in the fridge. You can always spare another day or two, maybe you can surprise Sehun another time.

Him: Ok. Thanks.

"Ok, thanks?" You scoff at his reply, remorse bubbling at the very pit of your stomach.

You: Sehun, you fucking prick!

You typed in the words, fingers stabbing against the screen, yet just when you're about to send the message, you proceeded to delete it, turned your phone off, and tossed it to god-knows-where. What use will it do now? You can't call Chanyeol and ask him to sulk with you since he's been busy with work, and Hana is currently in Japan with her other classmates, who are probably splurging their way at the school trip. Hana's a double major in photography and engineering, which made her busy as well.

"Everyone seemed so busy nowadays." You muttered under your breath.

Heaving another sigh, you took your keys with you. Taking your time to walk towards the door, you thought about what you can do to entertain yourself for a moment, before you took a jacket and headed outside. It took you a 15-minute walk to go to a pizza house. You might have been better off ordering pizza at home, rather than go to the restaurant itself to order a take-out, but you've been cooped up in your place for so long, that it's starting to suffocate you.

You shrugged and went inside the place. The aroma of the freshly baked pizza fills your senses, but just when you're about to cover the remaining distance between you and the counter, you saw him.

Seeing him for the first time after what seemed like forever was a little too much to take in. It was a feeling of too much air in your lungs for a minute, and none the next. It was the feeling of drowning over and over again. But the sense of impending doom came not from the man himself, but from the people he was with. Immediately, you turned around and went for the door, tears streaming down your face.

Being cooped up in your place would be better than this.

Anything would be better than this.

-----

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

You asked in a daunting manner, giving emphasis on the word talk, making sure to intimidate the man. You just accidentally saw him on campus today, and if you didn't have the guts to talk to him, you doubt he will even be standing inside this stuffy room with you.

It had been a week. A week of him ignoring you. Seven fucking days of you waiting in vain. You didn't call or text him, you didn't even try to look for him. After getting so much shit from Sehun, you decided to just let him be, and you hope that in time he will see the error of his ways. But even when you decided to ignore him, he still failed to notice your absence. You can't seem to reach out to him first, for it was more than your pride can take, but he dared not contact you as well. You cry yourself to sleep every night, thinking what went wrong, thinking of reasons why you have failed to save your relationship, but he was the one who left you in the dark. You wanted to confront him, but you were far too insecure about yourself.

Maybe he was already sick and tired of you, and he has far more important things to occupy himself with. With far more important people to spend his time, rather than a girl who has nothing better to do but wait for him to give her even the slightest time of his day. You're just a sorry excuse of a woman who he used to give all his attention to. Every day you will yourself to barge into him and just scream all your frustrations away, to show him what a mess he's made, and then maybe you can slap some sense into him, after all, you still long for him, and you'd take whatever you can get. Yet somehow, deep down, you know that it was over, you can feel him slowly slipping away from your grasp.

Sehun, on the other hand, was very much willing to cooperate, and you were at loss for words when you're finally face to face with him again, reminding you about that day when you saw him hanging out with his new set of friends, when he clearly told you that he was out having dinner with his family. You couldn't believe that he lied flat on your face.

Now that he finally decided to grace you with his presence, what better way to spend it than to confront him. You got so fed up with his bullshit, that you just lost it.

"I saw you the other day with a bunch of guys." You mutter softly, almost like a whisper. "Funny, they don't look like your parents."

"And you're saying?" Sehun quirks his brows in response.

You almost wanted to back away right then and there, but you stayed put as you looked for any signs of guilt in his expression. There was none.

It was moments like these that makes you doubt yourself. In all honesty, it seems like it's only you who is willing to carry the relationship, and you just found yourself tired of it all. You thought to yourself, that if he really does care about you, then he will make time for you. If he really does love you, then he will notice that you were gone, and he will go on his way and look for you, and yet he didn't.

"What I'm trying to say is that if you want to spend your time with your friends, then you can tell me. You didn't have to lie to me, Sehun."

"What makes you think I lied to you?" He muttered the words in a low groan, making you feel worse than you already feel.

How can he be so indifferent? How can he still look at you straight in the eyes when you know that he's lying?

"What do you want from me?" He asked in an irritated tone. "Am I not entitled to hang out with other people, anymore?"

"No, of course not." You replied almost immediately.

The tension inside the room made it a little hard for you to breathe. You dreaded this conversation, and the fact that he's taking this so aggressively, so defensively, has bothered you beyond compare.

"I don't know what's happening to us." You whisper as you did your best not to tear up. "I don't know anything anymore, Sehun."

It took a long moment of silence, and it felt like you're losing direction. You fear that you're slowly losing him in your grasp. It was an overwhelming sensation. That dreaded feeling of falling into something far more complex than what your mind can comprehend.

"I went to my parents' later the same night." He finally spoke.

"I told you it was my mother's birthday. You didn't have to be such a bitch about it."

There was venom in his words. You can feel his anger flow through you as you stare at each other with glaring eyes.

When did he become like this? What did you do to make him act this way?

"You know what, fuck it." You take a number of shaky breaths as you try to contain yourself.

"Fuck all of this."

The words came out as a whisper, yet it reverberated all throughout the entire room. It was the only thing louder than the sound of your beating heart being crushed into pieces.

You walked away, half hoping that he would just leave you be, but on the larger scale, you wished that he would apologize. It would be better if he was out there with another girl. It would have been much better if he cheated. It was obvious that he didn't want to see you. It was obvious that he no longer wants to be with you. If the reason would have been another girl, then you would know why he's being the way he is, and you might even have the slightest chance to win him back, but he was with his friends, and he spent most of his time with his family. How can you compete with that? Suffice to say, Sehun was through with you, and you have to walk away as soon as you can, in fear that him breaking up with you will take place once again, for your stupid heart will not be able to handle the pain.

-----

"Flowers for my girl?"

Sehun quirks one playful eyebrow. He stood there at the foot of your door, a bouquet of roses wrapped around his hand. He looks breathtakingly handsome, in an arrogant and aristocratic way. He has changed so much these days.

You look up at him in sheer surprise. Despite of the ordeal you had gone through, the sight of him leaning in your front door, offering you flowers has made your heart jump, your breath caught in your throat.

You timidly let him in, taking the flowers from him. The fight that happened yesterday is not completely irrelevant. His presence and those pretty flowers does not always work. You were hurt, badly hurt.

"Let me just take these to the kitchen." You forced a smile and gestured for him to take a seat.

You looked at him from the other room, wondering why he was here so suddenly. It isn't like he's apologizing for what happened yesterday, or how he had ignored you the past month. You looked away when he caught your gaze, your hands scrambled frantically at the cupboard, looking for a make-shift vase to put the flowers into.

"Your remote isn't working sweetheart." He called out.

"There's new batteries on the coffee table." You automatically reply as you fill the vase half-way with water.

Carefully, you put the flowers in the vase, and took a pack of microwavable popcorn and popped it in the microwave. Funny how things seemed normal now, although your actions are a little bit forced, and there is undoubtedly tension in the air.

Slowly, you went to the living room. You thought for awhile if you should sit next to him or not, but then if you didn't, it'll make the situation worse. You took the last steps in careful strides, before you finally sat beside him.

"Thank you for the flowers." You whispered beside him.

Sehun turned his gaze on you, a small smile plastered on his face.

"You're welcome." He replied and you covered the remaining distance between you to give him a peck on the lips, but he instantly looked away, resulting for your lips to land on his cheeks.

"Oh good, now it's working."

Sehun cleared his throat as he flipped on every channel on the television, ignoring the fact that he deliberately avoided the kiss. You sat upright on the couch, moving away from him instantly to deflect the man's gaze. It was ironic how he can still stare in your eyes, making the situation even more unbearable.

"I should go get the popcorn, it's probably ready."

He nodded and looked away, his jaw clenching as his eyes stares at practically nothing. When you reached the kitchen, you took a deep breath, filling your lungs with air. You didn't even notice that you stopped breathing. You took your time to prepare the food, not wanting to be anywhere near the man. He doesn't want to be here, it was as clear as day, so why is he here now?

"I know, I'll be there later."

He spoke the words in a cheery voice. He had his phone against his ear, a wide smile plastered on his lips.

"I think I'll be a little late, but I will definitely stay later."

Then he chucked on the phone about something the person on the other line said. You didn't realize that you were frozen on your spot. Hearing shuffling noises in the living room is what caused you to wake up from your trance. You stared at the window, thinking about nothing in particular. You noticed that the clouds were turning grey, and for a split second, lightning came roaring down, followed by thunder that filled your ears. Your eyes perked up, hands gripping the sides of the bowl that is now filled with popcorn.

You returned to the living room, watching Sehun who was comfortably seated on the couch. Your brows knit together in confusion. It was odd, he's still wearing his jacket. He never wears his jacket inside the house. You bite your lips as realization dawned on you. He looked like he's ready to sprint outside the house any moment, and you'd rather kick him out now, than beg him to stay later, only for him to leave again.

"You should go, it's getting late." You say with a start.

"Hmm?" He tore his eyes away from the television. "I didn't quite catch that, sweetheart."

"It's about to rain soon." You stared outside the window for a moment, the male following your gaze.

"If you don't leave now, you'd be stuck here." You give him a polite smile. "It's hard to drive when the road's slippery."

You can feel his eyes on you, and when you looked his way, you noticed that his eyes were blank, and you got lost in the pair of black abysses that loomed dark and hollow.

"You're probably right." He finally replied.

"I'd go get your jacket for you, but you're already wearing it." You forced a smile.

Sehun stood up from his seat, and you started walking towards the door, the man trailing behind you. You didn't want to wait for him to change his mind, because you already know that he wanted to leave. Slowly, you opened the door for him, but he just stood there staring at you.

"Goodnight."

He whispered, bending down to give your lips a peck, but before he could kiss you, you moved away, and just like he did to you earlier, his lips landed on your cheek. You're afraid you might break if you let him kiss you. You're afraid that he might see the girl he used to care for, all broken and helpless, begging for even the slightest hint of affection.

You heard him scoff, before he finally went outside towards his car, and then he drove off, with you watching him leave with tears falling freely from your eyes.

-----

It was a fine afternoon in December, when you decided to take a stroll in the park, wanting to clear your head somehow. There were only a few people outside, finding the chilly afternoon wind to be a bit too cold. It said on the news that the first snowfall will take place this day, and you'd rather watch it fall inside the comfort of your room, so you opt to leave, when a figure of a man pops into view, making your guts tousle in ways it isn't supposed to move.

Here in front of you, lies the man you've been longing for so long. You can see that he was surprised to see you too. You watch in awe as the cool winter air dances around his hair, while he looks away and gazes off into the distance. You noticed that he is keeping his best not to look you in the eye, and that little gesture is enough to confirm your doubts.

Wearily, you hang your head down low, feeling so defeated, and without another word, you turn your back to him, and start to walk away.

"How have you been?"

His voice resonates inside your ears, making you freeze on the spot.

"It's been so long since I got a call from you. I suppose you already got the message." His voice sounds lifeless, yet he managed to say the words in a highly mocking fashion.

You turn around to look at him, and he immediately diverts his eyes elsewhere.

"What do you mean?"

Looking closely at Sehun, you watch as he leans his tall frame into the old tree beside him, and stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"You always were one smart lady." He smirks. "You'll figure it out."

There is a bored look painted on his face, like he wants so much to have the conversation over and done with, but you were too confused to even notice it.

"I'm afraid, I don't follow."

You say with confusion in your voice, yet deep down you knew exactly what he meant. The cold winter air plays with your hair, you can feel it getting a temperature lower, yet somehow, your body is already numb from the cold.

"Let me break it down for you sweetheart." Sehun stares at you, his cold, cold eyes boarding straight into yours. You can see a tinge of remorse and what looks like anger in his eyes.

"We're done." He smirks mockingly. "It's over between the two of us."

You stare at him in disbelief. His every word lingers inside your head and you feel an awful lump caught in your throat. You couldn't prevent your weary mind from drawing up the very thing his words are implying.

"Oh."

It was all you can say. It was a miracle you're still standing on your feet, but you know it's only a matter of time before they give in and succumb to the weariness.

"So, what do you say," Sehun gives you a lopsided grin, walking towards you with lazy steps.

"Friends?"

You blink your eyes repeatedly, holding onto the strap of your bag, clutching it to save the last piece of your sanity. Your gaze falls upon his hand that is extended towards you, yet you fail to move even a muscle. You couldn't believe your ears. He had the guts to tell you straight to your face that he no longer wants to be with you, and here he is asking to be friends with you. The nerve of this man!

It took an immense will for you to stop yourself from lashing out on him.

If only you didn't love this man.

If only it was easy for you to throw away every memory, every damn thing you have with him.

If only you weren't so vulnerably hurt.

If only you can forget about your feelings, the same way he so easily forgotten about you.

If only…

Wearily, you look into his eyes, his hand still stretched out, waiting for you to take it.

"We were never friends Sehun." You give him a bitter smile.

You watch as he knits his brows together, and for the first time ever, you see a stranger in front of you. It was no longer the man who used to love you. It was no longer the man who you gave up your everything to.

"We were lovers."

Tears strung your eyes, and you failed to see how his face fell, painting his eyes with remorse. You failed to see the guilt swimming inside his eyes, or the pain that mirrors yours. All you can see is but a stranger, a stranger whom you used to know so well.

"Excuse me,"

You managed to say in a weak voice, before you ran off into the cold December afternoon. Wearily, you made your way home, while the first snowfall started to take place. You felt paralyzed with every step, your head shook as every breath you took ripped out of your lungs painfully. When you've finally got home, you immediately went inside and closed the door with a loud slam. You lean your back on the door, slowly slipping as you weep uncontrollably, hands covering your face to muffle every sound you make. You can feel yourself succumbing to the loneliness once more, you can feel yourself succumbing to the pain, and this time, you know that it'll consume you. Everything swam into focus with crystal clarity now. You know that you will never know how to get back up again, for you've already lost the will to fight, the moment he completely walked out of your life.