Am I Good? Am I Bad? I'm Over It.

(Morgan Pov)

Once again, they have chosen violence. I'm not surprised. One side alludes to a threat and then the other side responds with violence. It's only natural that things escalated to violence because the leaders of both sides had no tact whatsoever throughout that whole conversation.

They must feel very confident having their allies hidden in the trees. Unfortunately for them, I caught four strange scents in the trees. From there I differentiated between each scent and paid attention to the position of each one.

They might be hidden, but I already gleaned a lot of information from them. I know for sure that there are four of them, I can tell that all of them are archers. Otherwise, what would be the point of them being in their current position?

They are sitting high up in trees, so they have a high vantage point. They are too far away, so they wouldn't be able to respond on time to any sort of situation. These guys must have some sort of range, that leaves magic and bows as the only viable options.

I don't sense any magic from these guys, so they aren't mages. Even if they were, I'm not worried at all. Mages aren't known for their physical resilience, so I can very easily tear them apart with arrows.

They must feel very confident up in those trees, they think they are safe and hidden. Well, I got them in my sights. Now that the situation has devolved this far, I can take one out before they realize their plans are foiled. Take a deep breath and calm down.

*Inhale*

Out

*Exhale*

I'm good. Let's see if they can respond in time to this.

*Whew*

*THUD*

Headshot. The count is 35-1. I'm not letting them start a volley on us.

Archers don't do much damage, but it's different when there are more than 2. Once one starts firing, the others begin firing. There were 4 of them, that would have been 16 attacks in a row on that target, 32 attacks if they are fast enough.

All of those attacks would have hit us before we could do anything. I cut down the number of potential attacks to 9 or 18. I got their attention, let's see if they can hit their shots. I'm not going to fire back, I'm going to focus on dodging instead.

*Whew*

They missed 3 shots, that's one volley down. 2 more volleys to go, I might get hit here.

*Whew*

All of those attacks missed me again. I'm pretty lucky, now I have to brace for the incoming bad luck.

*Whew*

*Thud*

2 out of the 9 attacks hit, I'll take it. Hurts, but I can work through the pain.

*Whoosh*

Fucking hell. Watch your man, Gael. I'm already dealing with 3 guys on my own, I'm not getting paid enough to carry your ass. You're lucky he missed, I would have robbed every coin you would have made from this job.

Now it's my turn to shoot.

*Whew*

*THUD*

Another headshot. 36-1. I'm on fire today.

I'm getting that weird and satisfying feeling again. I don't have the right words to describe it, but I know I am slightly stronger and more in control of my body. This usually happens when I "level up", let's see what has changed.

'Stat Screen: Level Up'

[LV: 10

EXP: 29

HP: 35 ↑+1

STR: 15 ↑+1

MAG: 17 ↑+1

SPD: 17 ↑+1

DEX: 17 ↑+1

LUCK: 10 ↑+1

DEF: 14 ↑+1

RES: 12 ↑+1

CON: 8]

'Stat Screen: HP'

[HP 24/35]

I don't have to focus on dodging, I can fire back when they shoot. It will be close, but it is with taking the risk. If I can take out one of the archers when I counterattack, I can put an end to the enemy volleys.

Even if I do miss, with my slightly better defenses I'll be fine. Worst case, I miss every counterattack I make and I get hit with four attacks. Not the worst set of circumstances, I can still work through these conditions. I'll barely have enough health to take out one more archer.

Diego hasn't gotten hit either, so retreating after I attack is a viable option. I do have some medicine, so I can get back into the fight immediately. Now that I think about it, I don't have to do that. If I take enough damage I can sit out the rest of the fight.

It's kind of hard telling a guy that's bleeding out that he is not dying. Good luck arguing that point with a doctor, so I'm golden. I know I did my job, which was taking out the ranged threats. I'm only doing what I'm getting paid for.

*Whew*

*Thud*

I deserved that. I was lost in my thoughts and wasn't paying too much attention. Time to take the shot.

*Whew*

*THUD*

These guys can't dodge very well. 37-1. One more to go.

*Whew*

*Thud*

*Whew*

I'm faster than I thought. No, that's not entirely accurate. My body is not faster, my reflexes have improved slightly. My movements are just a lot more fluid than before, I can respond faster than he can. I'm pretty sure I can get another attack in.

*Whew*

*Thud*

*THUD*

Didn't get a headshot this time around, but I'm sure I did fatal damage to him. My job here is done, I can get out now.

I love my horse, he just makes life so much easier. I can sit at the backlines and come back whenever I want to.

Hmm. It looks like these guys have this covered, so I'll return to my post. I'll be "guarding" my employer from here on out.

"Archers are taken care of. I'll guard you now boss."

"I appreciate it, looks like the skirmish is almost over."

"Can never be too safe."

I have killed 17 people so far for this guy. After investing all that time and effort, I want to get paid. I don't need the money considering the skills I have. But, I don't work for free. Especially for a person that I have only known for about 15 days.

I need to know you for about a year before I even consider doing things for free. Funnily enough, my stance towards murder is laxer. I know I hardened my resolve to take a life, but I got over it way too easily. It's even more ironic considering my previous occupation.

I blame dark magic and levels for warping some of my morality. Dark magic made me more pragmatic about things and putting it bluntly killing people makes me stronger. I'm not sure why, but the evidence strongly supports this conclusion.

I don't go out of my way to kill people, so I'm not some sort of psychopath. I usually kill people who attack me first or people who intend to kill me. I only broke this sort of self-imposed rule whenever it involved the people I care about.

I'll admit it, the first 20 kills I did were done in cold blood. Looking back, I probably didn't have to kill them. I attacked them before they could even start a dialogue, but I don't regret it all. I don't gamble with the well-being of my family.

"Boss, the battle is over. Should I help the others clean up the battlefield(loot the bodies)?"

"Make it quick, you never know if there are any stragglers. I don't want to take any chances when it comes to my life."

"You got it, boss. I'll make it as quick as possible"

Looking at the decisions I made from a bunch of perspectives, I can admit to myself that I am not a good person. With that being said, I'm also not a bad person. Objectively speaking I can see how I can be considered a bad person.

At the same time, I can also find reasons to justify some of my more questionable actions. I walk a very slippery slope every time I do something like that. I know that I am slowly becoming indifferent towards certain acts or ideas, killing being the most notable.

I'm not as concerned as I originally was about killing. It might not seem like much now, but all actions add up. That is what concerns me the most, the idea that I might go too far and lose sight of who I am as a person.

As long as I have an understanding of who I am and I can question the decisions I make, I think I'll be fine. Yet you can never be sure when it comes to the mind. You don't realize you have changed until it's too late or someone who knows you well calls it out.

"I didn't have any luck finding anything of note. I just found some arrows. Did any of you find anything interesting?"

"No."(x6)

"I got beaten up back there. Did anyone here find any vulneraries or concoctions?"

"I have some, but I made them myself. They are pretty expensive to make, so I'm willing to sell them at half the regular market price. Don't let the price fool you, my medicines are more effective than the ones you'll find on the market. Who here wants to buy some?"

"I'll buy 2 vulneraries then, it doesn't feel right going into battle without anything to patch me up."

"I'll buy 3 if you have them."

"It wouldn't hurt having an extra, I'll take one too."

"I'm good for now, I'll let you know in the future."

"I'm also fine, thank you for the offer."

"Alright, line up and do this quickly.

You wanted 2 vulneraries, do you want them with flavor or no flavor."

"What?"

"Flavor will cost you 3 extra gold, but it will make the medicine so much easier to swallow. I'll warn everyone here now, my medicine is hard to swallow because of how potent it is."

"2 with no flavor. I'm sure I can handle it."

"Ok, that's 30 gold. ...Thank you."

I honestly don't care what others may think of me. At the end of the day, morality is perspective-based anyway. The only thing that matters is what I think about myself. As long as I can live with myself, then who cares what opinion others may have.

It's how I lived my life up until now. It's a dangerous thought process to have, but that's who I am. I believe I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I am in. Time for a bit of self-reflection. as of this moment am I too far gone.

Am I against killing?

Not really, it's an effective solution at times.

Do I like killing?

No, not at all. I may feel a little thrill from combat, but never from the act of murder itself.

Do I kill for material gain?

I wouldn't kill for money, but I also can't say it's an uninfluential factor. I was never a materialistic person, yet I can't deny that it's a benefit I can appreciate from time to time. Money is useful and their deaths could be used towards my benefit.

Did I have to kill those men?

No, I could have easily incapacitated them. I am skilled enough to aim and land hit a nonlethal area.

"Vulnerary or concoction? Flavor or no flavor?"

"Three vulneraries, 2 without flavor and 1 with. What flavor is it?"

"It is a weird flavor, but the best way to describe it is as fruity. That will be 48 gold. ...Thank you."

Why did I kill them?

I knew killing them would make me stronger.

What will I do with more strength?

Not much in the grand scheme of things. Having it will mainly reassure my unstable mind.

Why do I want more strength then?

I do not like being limited either by other people, by circumstances, or most importantly by myself. Being stronger will inevitably give me more options. I hate not being in control of a situation.

Do I need control of a situation?

I don't need control of every situation. In my opinion, it is too much work being in control all the time. I also don't feel any sort of joy from being in control. At the same time, I don't trust anyone to make the right choice.

I can also admit that I am a person who makes the wrong call at times. But having the option of taking over a situation whenever I want is nice. It is very reassuring being able to do what I think is right whenever I want.

What do I think is right?

Doing whatever benefits the people I consider my friends or family. Anything else doesn't matter to me. That includes my own well-being because I know what I can or can't handle. I am confident that I can take care of myself better than others can.

Was what I did right?

No not at all, I don't have the full context on why they attacked us. They could have noble reasons for resorting to banditry. Those 4 men probably have loving families and friends awaiting their return.

"Vulnerary or concoction? Flavor or no flavor?"

"I'll take a concoction with flavor."

"That will be 33 gold. Thank you."

Do I care?

No, I don't. The way I see it, it was either them or me. I know I'm going to do whatever it takes for me to survive. As long as I am alive, I will make sure the people close to me are cared for. Everyone else is on their own, they should take care of themselves.

I'm not going out of my way to help anyone I don't have a prior relationship with.

Is that selfish?

Very.

"Gael do you need any medicine?"

"I'm good, I'll just sleep it off."

"If you say so, the offer is still on the table if you ever change your mind."

Am I a bad person for continuing what I am doing fully knowing it is selfish?

I probably am.

Do I think I'm a good person?

Morally speaking, I am not.

Can I live with that?

Yes, I can. I don't need to be a good person to accomplish my goals. I also don't care what others think of me, that includes the people I care about. As long as they are alive and well enough to complain to me, I'll accept anything they will say or do to me.

Fuck it, I'm over this. I didn't feel anything when I made my first kills and I haven't felt anything since then. I'm already desensitized to murder, which was something I expected to happen. Just didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Who am I kidding? I'm not surprised at all, I trained myself to be adaptable to anything. Killing just feels like another menial task I have to do. Which is a result I can live with. If I feel nothing, then no alterations done to my mind by dark magic can change that.

After all 0 multiplied by anything is 0. As long as that pragmatic part of me exists, I don't have to worry too much. Then again the mind is a volatile thing, you can never be too careful. Still being desensitized to killing people is more a pro than a con.

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