38 A Peaceful Relaxing Day

(Morgan Pov)

I was told to take a break, apparently I have been putting way too much on my plate. But I need to do all of these things, it's for my own peace of mind. I just can't rest until I know I did everything I could for the people I care about. Some things just don't change.

I would like to say I have learned a lot from my mistakes in my first life, but that's the thing about life. You really can't say you have learned your lesson until you make a decision and reflect on your past decisions. When you see a recurring pattern, then you can see if you learned or not.

Something I keep doing even if I know it's a bad habit of mine is procrastination. There are times where I am on top of things. But I can't deny there are times when I just don't productively use my time. Never thought I would say this, I blame dying for making this habit worse.

After reflecting on my first life, I decided to try my best to not take each day I have for granted. What is the point of having a second chance at life if I don't do everything I can to enjoy it? Even if this life is very different from the one I am used to, I can say I'm happy.

I try my best to enjoy the little things and take a more lax approach to things to avoid any unnecessary stress. An unfortunate side effect of this approach has been an inner struggle of sorts. For the most part, I try to take care of any task I am assigned immediately.

However, I struggle when it comes to any important tasks that leave the process to my better judgment. For the mission my master gave me, I am at an impasse. Everything about this mission is left to things that are completely out of my control.

I get that I am the last fail-safe for the legendary weapons, but can't deny the possibility that my help might never be necessary. So how do I approach this situation? Should I spend my every waking moment preparing for an event that may or may not come?

Should I take a more relaxed approach to ensure I don't crumble mentally or physically? Depending on the day I switch on and off between these two extremes. I have no idea what I am doing and I don't have the necessary information to make a decision I can be happy with.

I'm the type of person who runs away from these sorts of thoughts by burying myself in work. I know it's pointless to do this, but this is just one of my many coping mechanisms. This is why despite being a chronic procrastinator, I like doing work and keeping myself busy.

Right now I'm just laying down on the soft grass of the plains and staring at the clear blue sky. Why does it have to be a beautiful and quiet day? Days like these are perfect for thinking and that's the last thing I want to do.

I just can't help myself from having existential thoughts or just thoughts about my current situation. I love everyone here and I enjoy spending my life here at the tribe, but the stronger I feel about them the more entrapped I am.

I'll admit that I'm not very ambitious, and normally I wouldn't be the type of person who would pursue power. Yet my current circumstances push me towards this path and my feelings towards my family only motivate me to travel on this perilous path.

If there is one thing I can count on in life, it is the fact that nothing ever seems to go as envisioned. When it comes to things that just concern me, I am comfortable with leaving things to the whims of fate.

However, when it comes to my family I am too much of a coward to do so. I already made that mistake more than enough times than I would like to admit. I want to say I learned my lesson, but as stated earlier nothing ever goes as planned.

The least I can do is try everything I can, usually that helps with dealing with the guilt and regret. My greatest strength and weakness is my passion, I just feel more strongly about things than others. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, but at the same time maybe I'm not.

The reverse is also true, there are too many things I just feel indifferent towards. I'm not even sure if I can fix this problem of mine. The best I can do is somehow make what I am doing related to a person I care about. That is what has been driving my training up until now.

Why the hell am I thinking all of this? What's with puberty and bringing out the edge? I thought I grew out of it, but then again things are different this time around. I have dark magic now and when combined with the hormones of puberty, I have become something I hate.

God if you exist send me something to save me from all of the angst I am feeling. I need to be stopped before I cut myself from all of this edge. Send me a sign, I promise to be a believer for the rest of my life. I'm getting carried away, there's no way something like that will happen.

"Moron, what are you doing here?"

I see how it is, the universe just wants to fuck with me. I don't believe in gods in the traditional sense, but I do believe in higher powers existing. For my own sanity, I like to believe those beings are not concerned or involve themselves with the lives of us feeble mortals.

I would be more angry than scared if that was the case. Life already has a sick sense of humor. It would definitely suck if every tragic or joyful event in my life was orchestrated for the entertainment of a more powerful entity. I should stop thinking about things like this.

"Nothing. As you can see, I'm just laying down and staring at the clouds passing by. Days like these are perfect for thinking."

"What are you thinking about?"

She is leaning forward and is holding her arms behind her back. The most interesting thing is that she is looking directly into my eyes. This is kind of strange, Lyn doesn't usually make eye contact when she talks to me. So why is she doing that now?

What did I do this time? Nothing is coming to mind at this moment, I guess I'll stare back. I have a pretty good record when it comes to staring contests. This will be an easy win for me, because for some reason I just like looking at her radiant green eyes.

It evokes a sort of nostalgic feeling in me, I can't place my finger on the exact reason why. Is it the color that evokes that feeling? Is it the intent behind that gaze that is familiar? Is it simply something I can't remember anymore? Is it something more subconscious?

"..."

"..."

*audible blink*

"I win."

"What?"

"You blinked first, so that means I am the winner."

"But you didn't answer my question?"

"I'm just having some nice relaxing thoughts, trying not to think about the work I want to do. I have no idea what I want to do, so I'm just waiting here until I think of something to do. Is there anything you need help with? I'm very bored and I have a lot of time to spare right now."

"..."

Huh, she's not breaking eye contact. She doesn't look angry, but I can tell she is being serious for some reason. What did I do this time? Or was the problem that I didn't do anything at all? I hate it when that's the case.

How am I supposed to know when doing nothing offends someone? In my first life, I knew a couple of people who I offended just by existing. Those pricks were fun, it just made me happy knowing that every day that I lived caused all of them to suffer from great anger and anguish.

They thought they were hot shit, they thought they would never get caught. I was simply better than all of them. Still, I don't think Lyn is at that point. I mean, I know I can get her to that point. The question is, should I? Maybe not her, but I miss having someone like that in my life.

"For some reason everyone else is busy, I think we are preparing for something big. I did not have a lot of work today, but I haven't seen you once today. I was going to ask you if you know what is happening?"

"I know what's going on, but I promised your father that I would not tell anyone? It's nothing bad or something to worry about, but for now, just trust me."

I should probably get up, for some reason I feel vulnerable in this position. She's looking down on me and staring into my eyes. It feels like a powerplay, but I know this isn't Lyn's intention. I'm usually the one looking down on others, I'm very tall for my age.

"Why aren't you doing anything today? I noticed that you have been very busy for the last few weeks. I wanted to talk to you, but I did not want to bother you. What have you been doing? Does it have anything to do with what is going to happen?"

"Not really, it's something I should have done a long time ago. But I made the mistake of waiting to do it later. And because I didn't do it, I now have to work harder and faster to get it done on time. If you have a long time to do something, you should do it immediately.

Don't do what I did, you will get yourself into a lot of trouble you could have easily avoided. As for why I am not doing anything, your mother ordered me to not do anything and relax. She thinks if I don't get enough rest, my work will suffer from it."

"Okay, that makes me feel better. If you are not going to do anything today, do you want to talk? I wanted to ask you about a lot of things, but you were very busy. Is that okay or am I bothering you?"

"Like I said I am very bored. So just talk to me, I'm all yours until something else comes up. Try not to overthink things if you can, sometimes it's better to be direct. From my experience, if you want someone to do something, you just have to ask them.

If they don't do it, they'll at least give you an answer. So don't worry about bothering me, I'll let you know if I can or can't talk to you. If I can't, I'll promise you I will try to find the time later. I wish more people would be straight forward, life would be so much easier. What do you think?"

"How would you know if the person lied to you? What would you do if you think or know the person lied to you?"

"It all depends on the person you are talking to you and what you notice. If you like a person you simply want to believe in them because it hurts more to be betrayed by them. If you notice something you feel is wrong, then you start to feel suspicious.

That's the funny thing about trust, it's based on emotion and not facts. So when you can't trust a person you like or care about, confront them. Try to understand what they are thinking to not ruin your bond with them. If you don't like or care as much about a person, confront them.

What do you have to lose? If they tell you the truth, that's great. If they don't tell you the truth, at least you tried. If you did everything you could at that moment, then you will feel better about it later. That's what I would do, does that help?"

"I don't know."

She's only eleven, I don't expect her to follow this line of thought. Am I an asshole? I just like seeing her confused and trying to understand my 'profound nuggets of wisdom'. I wasn't lying to her when I said all of that, this is what I personally believe about trust.

If she actually does gain some insight from that semantic bullshit, then I did my job. Whatever that is. I think I'll go back to one of my old hobbies, corrupting the innocent. Not anyone in the tribe though, maybe. I'm going to have fun out there and no one can stop me.

"It's fine if you don't, I'm just rambling. Enough about my foolish thoughts, let's just focus on what you want to talk about."