Fine Dining

There's a trick to dining alone.

I know, it already sounds like I'm a loser and you're half right but at the very least read some of the words of wisdom I have so graciously bestowed upon you.

Like every normal person, I am of course normal, I enjoy dining out. With people. No, I meant especially with people. Like a friend or something. Or a wife, heh, imagine.

Well ok anyways, what I'm attempting to bestow upon you is the wisdom of single person dining.

Single person as in going out to eat alone. Not because I am alone. I have friends and family I take out to dinner all the time. I went out yesterday with a friend. It was at some shitty Italian bar, probably never heard of it.

Anyways.

When you're not fortunate enough to be able to have an individual in which you are able to take to a nice restaurant, and subsequently you are also hungry, there is some special advice I have learned from my experiences.

Not that I've done 'it' so many times. Maybe once or twice. I'm a quick learner is all.

Anyways.

First of all, wear nice clothing. Not super dressed to the nines type of stuff. Just something that makes you look a little bit more important than the guy in front of you. Gives you an edge with the service. Probably.

That's just my limited… very limited take on the subject.

Btw, this only works in fancier restaurants so don't go wearing a suit and tie to Mac Donald's.

Rule, or law, or advice piece two. Take a notebook. Doesn't need to be the two hundred page notebook you use for psychology 101. Just a small little notebook you can fit in your pocket. Could be a little pink one if you like. No scratch that, blue, black, or white notebooks only. It gives off the VIP impression. All darker colors do, especially in fancy restaurants. White isn't a dark color, huh.

PS, this won't work at a Jack-in-the-box. Frankly, they just don't care. And why should they? I'm just some old guy with a notebook to them. They're too feeble minded to see the true meaning behind it and thus become entrapped in my masterful trick. I guess I'm the feeble one if it doesn't work.

Anyways.

Murphy's third law, my name isn't Murphy, write in big capital letters at the top of your little notebook the name of the place. Don't do it in cursive, it's hard to read it. Maybe my handwriting is just bad, well whatever. Make sure the waiter is able to see it. Now don't go making it too obvious, there's a little art in every trick so overacting will ruin all the plans. All my plans. If it goes awry, I had nothing to do with it.

FYI, if you do this at a Carl's Junior, they'll just think you're insane. They get a lot of those types at Carl's junior. Not that I've gone there enough to know. And I'm also not assuming they get a lot of those types, all right? It's just an educated guess. I am a quick learner too, so what can you expect from my two hundred IQ?

Anyways.

Super duper trick four, I guess even with all the elaborate writing you can see now the true essence of this but in case you haven't, never tell them if you're writing a yelp review or what supposed company and high end organization has decided to grade them on their 'restauranting' skills. You shouldn't do it because lying is very bad. Just kidding, probably. Telling them just kinda gives it away. Makes their palms sweat a little if they don't know, you know? Quite ingenious trickery from myself I do think. I am a genius after all.

Anywho.

There are no more laws, rules, advices, or tricks. If you don't get a free piece of cake or better service after all of this, you're probably in some fast food chain which I have previously stated will not follow, comprehend, or care about any of these. Except for chick-fil-a. They're good. Damn good. Not that I would know of course. I'm too good for the peasants form of dining. Only high end places for me. And of course high end places for all of my guests lucky enough to eat with me. I would never take them to a In-and-out. Never.

That's that. And remember. I have friends. Lots of them. Family too.

WARNING

If you do any of the following at any establishment, and are caught in the act, lmao. You suck. Also, you didn't hear any of this from me, capisce? Cap-ice? Capish?

Idk how to spell it.

Adios.