36 Therapist Visit:1

I arrive at the house where I have therapy, and I love that my therapist is in Laguna Beach. Therapy can be rough sometimes and I need to be able to go somewhere to decompress. What better place in California than Laguna Beach? Walking into the doors, I'm greeted by the receptionist. We both know each other, but I still remind her that I have a 2 o' clock appointment. She hands me a questionnaire I have to fill out every week. It has the usual questions on it. How has your sleep been? How have your eating habits been? Have you felt negative about yourself? Have you had any thoughts about killing yourself? I make the check marks where I need to and sit back down waiting for my therapist to come out. There's a couple other people in the waiting room as well. I go through my phone and start reading a book while I wait. I try not to look at the other people. I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

"Hi Astra, why don't you come on back."

"Hi Amethyst, how are you?" I say as I walk into the back.

"I'm good. How have you been?"

I let out a big sigh and walk into the room. There's a couch with a bright orange cover on it. The walls are covered in pictures drawn by other people and there's a pothos in the corner and a sandbox table. The room feels safe. Exhausted, I want to throw myself onto the couch but I just sit down and slump over.

"How was your week, Astra?"

"Overwhelming. So much has happened I'm not sure if I've even processed it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Sure. It all started when someone spilled a cup of coffee on me. I panicked and took their shirt from them and then they turned out to be the person interviewing me."

"What did you feel when you did that and when you found out he was the one interviewing you?"

"I felt like there were butterflies with jackhammers in my stomach. I just started taking his shirt without thinking. I panicked. I didn't even remember he was a man, I just took it. He was not happy the next time he saw me but he did hire me for some reason. I don't know why though."

"Congratulations! You're making progress. Getting a job was one of your goals and you had to overcome a lot of fears to get here. This is great."

"I even made a friend and he's a man."

"Could that be why you feel so overwhelmed?"

"I'm not sure. He's really sweet and he seems harmless. He's one of the stars at the agency I work for. I even ended up being his date to the agency's annual gala. I think he's trustworthy but I still have my doubts."

"Do you think these doubts are because of your PTSD or because of something else?"

"I think it's because of PTSD. He seems to be a genuinely good guy, but I still have that fear in the back of my mind that he might hurt me one day."

"And those feelings are valid. You went through something absolutely horrible, Astra. You have every right to feel the way you do. Now, we're going to do everything we can to help you learn to cope with it and heal."

"Okay. I'm sorry. Should I continue?"

"If you would like to."

"I spent the night hanging out with my new boss and my friend, and when they left me for a bit I almost got attacked."

"God Astra, that must've been horrible."

"To be honest, I froze. I remember that I couldn't fight back and I froze. I was helpless and that was so scary. If it wasn't for Dillon and Will getting there in time, I honestly don't know what would have happened to me. It was terrifying. I'm also angry. Why did I freeze? Why didn't I try to fight back? Why aren't I stronger? Why didn't I run? Why didn't I do it this time or all those times before?"

"Have you ever heard of fight or flight?"

"I have."

"Did you know there's a third part of that?"

"There is?"

"It's called freeze. When animals in the wild are being watched by a predator they do one of three things: fight, flight, or freeze. Some animals instinctually freeze when seen by a predator hoping that it will help them hide. Humans do the same thing. When we feel like we are in danger sometimes, we freeze hoping that we won't be seen. It makes sense that you froze it was instinct and that's not your fault. You were just trying to protect yourself."

I can feel my throat tighten as the tears fall down my face. I hate crying, it shows weakness. She hands me a tissue and after a couple of tears fall, I control it and stop crying.

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok to cry. This is a safe place and your emotions are valid. All of your emotions."

I wish my mother thought the same way. But Santa Clause doesn't exist and my mother will never fully trust anyone. In her defense though, neither will I. Never again. I tried after what happened to me, but I was just proven that you should never 100% trust someone. Besides, pessimism had made me less depressed in my opinion. Either I'm right about a person and I don't get my hopes destroyed or I'm happily proven wrong about them. Alexi unfortunately was one of the reasons I turned into a pessimist. Speaking of Alexi...

"I almost forgot to tell you. Do you remember that guy Alexi?"

"The one from four years ago?"

"Yes, him. I ran into him at the gala and at the office. Turns out he's famous, too. He's also signed with the agency I work at."

"After everything the two of you went through that must have been a shock. How do you feel about this?"

"I don't know."

Staring at the Christmas lights in the room reminds me of that night on the beach with Alexi.