19 Chapter 18: Birthday

Dear Dairy

Brian will be here any second.

After mom and Chrissy left to head downstairs and I went to the bathroom to freshen up, I noticed the clear sheen of sweat decorating my forehead. I wiped it away ad headed back to my room to calm down.

The attack I had earlier is still fresh in my mind and every part of me is now dreading Brian coming upstairs to pick me up and take me to his home.

Sharon and Arthur Davis are sweet enough people, but I haven't spoken with anyone outside my family, Brian or Mona, since everything happened.

This attack was different and that petrifies me.

Is he getting closer and closer to coming to the surface?

- - - - -

"Knock, knock." I close my diary page, rubbing the tattered spine as I stand up and hide it under my desk like I do after every entry. Brian knows I have the diary but has never said anything about it, so I've continued to keep it to myself.

Opening the door, I come face to face with the scent I have loved since the day I agreed to finally give him a chance and go on a single date with him. He took me to the movies, something I have never done before, where I was stuck smelling his scent all night. After he brought me home, I spent three hours looking online for the cologne he told me he wore. It then became part of every gift I would give him, where he would bless me with one of his heart warming chuckles.

"Hey babe. You look great. Ready to go?" I nod my head hoping he won't notice any hesitation in me. I know mom and Chrissy would keep my promise of not mentioning anything to him, but Brian knows me well enough to notice when I'm not being one hundred percent honest with him.

"We don't have to go if you're not ready yet Jo. We take this at your pace."

"No. I want to. Besides I haven't beaten Jonathan at an Xbox game in over two months. I'm craving a little action." I say chuckling, hoping the thought of his little brother will steer him away from worrying about me. I'm already freaking out, no need for us both to be.

"What's that?" Brian points at the newest item that covers my desk. Mom and dad gave me my present this morning, and it's the best birthday present I have ever received. I walk over with Brian so that he could get a closer look and pick it up.

The dark green photo album with my name in big black bold letters on the front greet me and I burry my tears like I did earlier when mom and dad presented it to me. It's pictures upon pictures of me growing up. From my mom being pregnant with me, to my first few birthdays, even some embarrassing school pictures. My favorite though, are the ones of me and Brian. There were tons of those.

Mom and dad are sitting down cuddling up on the loveseat, watching some kind of movie on Netflix as Brian and I come down the stairs. We passed Chrissy's room on the way down the hall so I know she was upstairs. I walk over and let them know I will be home later on tonight, both of which tell us to have a good time.

Brian holds my hand tightly as we enter the dark night sky. Although it's late spring we have been having a lot of rain and clouds, so the sun never really rose and fell today. We hop into Brian's car, him letting me in first, and head over to his parents' home. Halfway through the drive, he snaps me out of my random train of thought by bringing up his father.

"My dad and I are kind of talking again I guess." I turn to him and notice his knuckles are white while gripping the steering wheel. He's as stressed about this dinner as I am.

"That's great Brian. I'm happy for you two."

"Thanks. It kind of started suddenly. He was asking me about basketball and about Boise State. He still isn't happy I won't be at his old college, but I think he's starting to understand that I know what I want. I also think he has started to forgive me about my past with Courtney."

I look down at my crossed fingers twirling around on my lap. It won't take five guesses to wonder why Arthur Davis, hard ass, would abruptly realize Brian's little girlfriend isn't after his money. Although it took a dent out of their retirement money, my parents, with the help of my grandfather, were able to pay for my hospital bills and therapy sessions. Arthur must have realized that after being raped and beaten, I still wasn't looking for any handouts. It bothers me that Steven brought even my parent's hard-earned money through the dirt but again, not something I voice aloud.

"I don't mean to say he's changed completely. He's still kind of jerk but he isn't muttering around you and I anymore. Tonight, was his idea actually." I look over at Brian with shock written all over my face. Does he not recall the last time Arthur had the same idea? Didn't exactly end well.

"Relax babe. I made sure he wouldn't start anything tonight. It's your birthday and even my dad isn't that much of a dick." He gives me a reassuring smile that I try to give back, but I think comes out more like a jack-o-lantern smile.

We pull up to their house/mansion and hop out. Hand in hand we make our way inside where surprise gets the better of me at all the decorations lining the dining room and kitchen. There are pink and gold happy birthday balloons, light pink streamers hung from the ceiling, and the dining table has a light pink and shimmery gold table cloth. I see my name on a giant white and pink happy birthday banner and a smile grows on my face when I notice his mother and brother standing in the kitchen wearing pink and gold party hats.

"Surprise!" Jonathan calls out when he notices me and Brian coming in. I look over at Brian and his smile, then back over to a now panicked Sharon.

"Oh shoot. Brian you didn't text me saying you were on your way like I asked. Sorry Jo. The cake is about half way frosted but surprise." Her light laugh causes one to irrupt from my mouth.

She walks over and envelops me into a huge hug that for once I don't feel as uncomfortable with. There is far too much joy and brightness in here for me to feel even a small slither of darkness. Jonathan comes around the table and offers me a one handed 'I'm an eleven-year-old boy so I don't do hugs' hug.

"Thank you so much, I-. I don't really know what to say."

"You could have invited Chrissy too." Jonathan says walking back over to his mom's side. We each chuckle at the same words he always says to me about my little sister. They go to the same school, and Brian and I have always thought he might have a small crush on her.

I feel strong hands come around my sides and lean back into Brian's embrace. "Well you only turn eighteen once. We just wanted to do something special for you. Arthur should be here any moment and then we can have dinner. We ordered your favorite." Sharon winks at me while running into the other room to retrieve her ringing cell.

"That sounds like dad there." Jonathan runs into the foyer when he hears the front door open. Brian leads me to the dining table where there are about ten gifts from everyone all wrapped in gold and light pink wrapping paper and white bows.

"Hey everyone. Sorry I'm late, had a client that wouldn't understand the word no. Happy birthday Jolie." Arthur says walking into the room with Jonathan strapped to his back. I will say this about Arthur Davis, he loves his sons, even Brian and he have their own unique relationship, but I can tell it's special.

"Thank you, sir." I smile and look the opposite direction at Sharon walking back into the room carrying a double layered pink and gold cake with my name written on it.

The candles are already lit, and she yells out for Jonathan to hit the lights. Everyone begins singing after the lights go out, but my mind is no longer on the love I feel from this family, or the wonderful memory I should be having. It's on the fact that their voices are becoming further and further away and more and more quiet. I look back towards Brian to see what is happening and instead, am met with the demons eyes.

I jump out of my chair, screaming at someone to help me, and run out of the room. I can briefly hear my name being called but all I can focus on is his deep laugh as he follows me up the steep stairs that lead to Brian's room. Brian's room? Wait, why am I at Brian's house? Shouldn't I be at prom? Is this another nightmare? Am I at home dreaming? Was anything today real?

Before I can debate with myself anymore, the demon comes into view walking up the stairs and I close the door after myself, lock it and head to Brian's bed. Maybe if lay in a bed, I can wake myself up.

I lie in bed, push the blankets that smell of Brian and close my eyes. Nothing happens at first, just the sound of a rattling door knob and some shouting. It isn't until I remember the mantra does my mind register for me to wake.

I open my eyes and am surprised when I am still in the very room my nightmare took place in. There is much more light as I look around the room I am all too familiar with and the noises coming from the door are no longer quiet and hushed but loud and demanding.

"Jolie? Jolie please sweetheart, open the door."

"Maybe I should break it down Sharon."

"No Arthur don't do that. We don't know what kind of state she is in." I shrink back at her words. They think I'm insane. Am I?

"I got it, thanks Sofia. I will, okay bye." I hear Brian's voice this time and know what he is about to do since he was on the phone with my mother. Before he could recite the mantra, I run over to the door and fling it open. Four very worried eyes meet me as I collapse into Brian's awaiting arms.

He scoots me forward into his room, says something to his mother, then closes the door on the rest of his family.

"I'm sorry-. I'm so sorry Brian." I close my eyes then think better on it and keep them locked on Brian. God, I can't even close my eyes for a brief moment.

"Don't you be sorry Jo. I didn't even think about the lights being off. I'm still getting used to your triggers." I look at him with curiosity. What does he mean triggers?

"Triggers?"

"Yeah, Doctor Palmer let me and your parents know what your triggers could be. Being in the dark was one of them. With graduation coming up, meeting with my new coach over in Boise and my dad and I rekindling, I've been dragging my feet with knowing what they are, when to catch them, and memorizing your mantra. I'm the one who's sorry baby."

I lean away from him as he tries to hold me. He's sorry?

"Brian, why would you be sorry. Your upset because your needy insane idiot of a girlfriend sees shit that isn't there just because you guys dimmed the lights? You're sorry that your pathetic girlfriend needs some saying in her head at all times and you haven't memorized the Italian yet?" I can't stop myself. I'm so angry with myself for putting him through all of this, but I'm equally upset that he has let this go on. I can tell he is miserable.

"How could you say those things Jo? You have been through something traumatic. I would never be upset with you for going through something that I could never understand. I was honest with you last night when I told you I don't have certain expectations of where I see us. I'm with you Jolie. No matter what you choose to give me."

I shake my head, angry that I let things get so carried away between Brian and me. How could he mean those things? He can't possibly think I expect him to stay with me out of guilt.

"Brian, answer me this, what were you doing the night I was assaulted?" My body begins shaking with the question I just threw in his face. I have spent a lot of time going over the events of that night in my head and one thing keeps repeating over and over again in my head. Did I imagine Brian going up to receive his crown that night?

"What do you mean?" He leans a little further away from me, looking down at me like I have some kind of fungus all over my body.

"I mean, where were you?" I can't look at his face because I know I will see obvious pain, so I look over at the small mess that makes up his computer desk. Small bundles up papers and a small silver frame of him and I on one our dates where he took me to the mountains.

"Jolie, you know I went to go call my mom and the limo driver. After I got off the phone with them, one of our professors came over to tell me how excited he was for me to start Boise State. I came back after a few minutes and you were gone. I looked everywhere for you. It wasn't until I heard the commotion and saw Miranda running into a small room did I realize what was going on." His voice grows distant as he explains the events of that night.

I've been wondering for a while if I heard his name for prom king that night or not but couldn't tell. With all the different versions of how my mind conjured up that night, one thing plays over and over again, Brian's name being called by the announcer for prom king, and him walking up to retrieve his crown alongside Amy.

"Were you prom King Brian?" This time Brian stands, march's into his closet then comes back out with the crown and sash from that night.

Anger swarms through my body at lightning speed. I am up and storming over to his bedroom door but stop when I hear the items drop to the floor. I hold back my tears wanting to slap myself for being so confident that Brian would never do that to me.

"If you think for one second that I went up there to share the stage with that stupid bitch, you're out of your mind. They called my name over and over again, but I refused to go up there. After checking in at the hospital, one of the committee members sought me out to hand it to me. I didn't want it, so mom grabbed it. She put it in my closet so that I wouldn't be constantly reminded of what happened that night."

I look down at my balled fist. I know he is telling the truth, deep down, I know Brian would never deceive me, but I am having a tough time figuring out what is real and what is a trick on my mind from that night.

"You know me Jolie. You know I love you, that I would never hurt you. You know, deep down inside, that I am not your enemy." He whispers from behind me. I nod my head, still facing the door while starring at my socks on his hardwood floor.

"I'm trapped in my own head Brian. I'm trapped and I'm tired, and scared, and I no longer know what to do. Nothing is working, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to go back to how thigs were, I can't." Tears flow down my cheeks and I find myself itching to be out of my skin, out of my life.

"Jolie. It will take some time. I read that it could take years to get over what happened to you, if it ever even will. You have to give yourself some time. I'm here baby. I'm here for you, no matter what, but I need you to trust me."

This time I turn to face Brian. His own pain flowing rapidly down his cheeks match mine. I hate doing this to him. I hate that he can't just be excited about college and basketball. He's so focused on me and my needs that he isn't fulfilling his own. I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me, but is it fair to drag him into the darkness with the demon along with me?

"I need some time away from you Brian." Shock registers on his face but I continue speaking anyways. "I don't hate you, and I hear what you're saying but I need some space and time away from everyone and everything. I just need to figure this out."

I blow out a breath of frustration and freeze when I see Brian sadly smile and walk closer to me. His arms come up and land gently on my shoulders as he pulls me into his embrace. I don't want to leave him, I don't want him to let me go, but I can't have him continue to be my crutch. I need to somehow set him free.

I hold him back with the same intensity then break apart before I crumble at his feet.

"I can take you home." My head is shaking before he can even finish his sentence.

"No, I'll call Mona. She's already off work anyways." I walk backwards until my back molds into his bedroom door, not once removing my gaze from his. His brown eyes sparkle with green flakes the way they used to when he showed passion.

Before I could chicken out, I open the door, walk right out of his bedroom, down the stairs and out of the house.