16 Chapter 16: Back to School

Dear Dairy

Monday morning and time for school.

I have spent the last few days with Brian and Mona. They have each tried to make me forget about the events but unfortunately me going to see Derek didn't solve anything. Brian even tried to get me to go with him to volunteer at the outreach I spoke to him about, but I declined. I was proud that he made time for it, and in turn would make peace with his past.

I thought hearing Derek's story, seeing the evening through his eyes would have helped. He was my hero that night so of course, hearing how everything went in his eyes should have helped.

The problem is, it didn't.

I still can't sleep. The demon is getting closer and closer to the surface. I can sense him everywhere I walk. He is in every nook and cranny of my house. The other day dad said something to me and I swear his voice became deeper and darkener than usual. I ran upstairs to my room, where I remined for the rest of the day.

I told Brian about me going to Derek's house that same night. I had a pang of guilt hit me hard that day I went and saw the very person he assumed I may have cheated on him with, but he assured me he understood my meaning. I didn't tell him why, didn't tell him what I needed from the visit because even I am unsure.

All I know is, I don't know if I can keep going like this.

- - - - -

"So today is the day you go to your therapy session?" I look over at Mona as she and I head to my first period. Brian wanted to walk me to class this morning, but he was called to the front office as soon as we hit the school grounds.

"Yes. Mom is going with me, and dad is staying home with Chrissy."

"You nervous?" I push some hair behind my ear and remain quiet. I am more than nervous. My whole body feels like it's going to pass out at just the thought of going to my session tonight.

Doctor Palmer recommended me going so I can talk about what happened. My mom volunteered the information that I haven't actually spoken about the incident since I told detective Palmer everything, so she thought it would be a good idea. I don't want to go tonight, mainly because the last thing I want is to give the demon more power over my mind. If I don't talk about it, he can't win. Should be simple.

"Jo?" I stop and stare at my best friend, not remembering what we were talking about.

"Sorry Mona, what were you saying."

Before she can say more, some boys that I've never seen before walk past me, snickering. One bends his neck back, smiles and pretends to cough while saying slut in my direction. Heat creeps up my neck and face and I immediately shrink back into myself. I head straight towards the classroom door but stop when I hear grunting and moaning. I turn around and see Brian and Derek stopping the duo. Derek has one of them by his collar while Brian pulls the other by his shirt closer to his face. He leans in, whispers something in his direction, then pushes him back.

Mona joins my side as the two gather a crowd around us.

Derek walks into class after letting the guy's collar go, but not before nodding his head in my direction, while Brian walks over with a sad smile on his face. Mona walks past him, pats him on the back and says she will see us at lunch.

"Brian, what was that about?"

"Not letting people bully you. They were freshman, just trying to be funny but Derek and I set them straight. No one is going to mess with you babe. Not with me alive." I lean in and kiss his delectable lips, then wave goodbye to him. I don't want him getting into squabbles over me, not with him having a full ride into Boise State.

The rest of day goes by fast. Every class I have people look over to me, but instead of pity, they look to have some kind of compassion. Since it's so close to graduation, our teachers are not giving us much classwork to do, so I take the time and do some make up work I had while on leave this past week.

Lunch comes, and Brian walks over to pick me up. We walk into the cafeteria and head straight to Mona, whom has an excited look on ger face.

"What's up?" Brian smiles back at her. Her happiness is contagious, I just wish I could feel it more.

"I did it. I'm a high school graduate." Brian and I look at each other then back over to her.

"Am I missing something? Is that new?" She smacks his chest at which he laughs. I would give anything to be that carefree again.

"No, idiot. I'm guessing you went to your counselor's office too?" Brian nods his head then turns to me.

"Every senior that graduates this year has to go and meet with their counselor one last time. It's basically a 'where do you see yourself in so many years?' speech, and then they tell you if you are on the right path. At the end, they let you know that you will indeed graduate this year. Waste of time to me, but you know how it is." I nod my head then wonder when it will be my time. I don't really want to talk, especially about a future I'm no longer sure I want.

"So, did you not think you would Mona?" I ask, wondering why she is smiling like a toothpaste commercial.

"It's not that I didn't. I mean, I'll admit, it was obviously hard to come back after the year had already started and play catch up, plus all the catch up from the times I used to ditch school, but I don't know, when my counselor told me that I was graduating and on the right path by working at the hospital, I was excited."

"You should be proud of yourself Mona. You did well. Not everyone could have picked up where they left off and fight for it."

She gives me a happy smile that turns ugly when she looks behind me. I look over to Brian to see him standing up and stepping behind me. He is blocking me from something. I turn and almost fall off my chair at Miranda looking sheepishly, walking towards our table.

I look around the cafeteria that has suddenly become quiet as everyone watches, with cold eyes, Miranda walk over to where I sit. The demon licks his lips right behind her and I look back down at my half-eaten sandwich and apple.

Not here, not now.

I scrunch my eyes closed and try to shake away the thoughts of what he can do to my body, to my mind.

"What the fuck do you want?" I snap out of my mantra and look at Mona, whom has also stood up and is face to face with Miranda.

"I just came to see how she was. I heard she was back today." I lean over to see Miranda's face. She looks different, more straggly. Her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head instead of its usual flowy brown locks. She has no makeup on and is wearing simple yoga pants and a long tee, instead of her short jeans and tube top Amy and her normally would wear on a bright and sunny Monday morning.

"Why would you care? You have some fucking nerve coming over to here. You have any idea what your fucking friend did to her?"

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Jolie." She tries to lean towards me but Brian and Mona group together, so she can't see me. I study everyone around me and they all are looking at Miranda with sinister looks.

"You're not fucking sorry. You're trash."

"You don't understand. I didn't know. I didn't know that she would-."

"But you did." A deep voice comes from the other side of the room.

Derek walks over with long strides as he make his way over to Miranda. He looks fierce and angry and its entirety is flowing straight to Miranda.

"You did know what she was planning and yet you said nothing. Do you know what he did to her?" Miranda has the audacity to look saddened and that's as much as I can take.

I stand up from my spot, my chair making a loud screech as I do so. Brian turns around at me, giving me a questioning look but says nothing. I feel his hand come around mine and give it a light squeeze. I think he knows I need to do this for myself.

"Miranda. I understand that you feel guilt. If I were in your shoes, I would too. But please don't come near me again. I may be here, but that doesn't mean every part of me isn't hurting. I would appreciate it, if you would just stay away."

Miranda has a few tears in her eyes but I ignore the pang of empathy I have for her. She may not have causes this but telling Derek minutes after she figured it was happening is not okay in my book. Knowing someone is hurting and doing nothing about it is just as bad as doing the act yourself.

I release Brian's hand and leave the cafeteria. Having enough of being the center of attention. Only two more classes to go and I can head home.

I suddenly wish I were in my small cave of a room, watching my clock tick over and over again. The thought scares me, because I am beginning to crave the darkness.

- - - - -

"So where would like to begin Jolie?" Mary, the therapist assigned to me, asks as she pulls out a tablet.

"Um, I don't know, anywhere I supposed." Honestly what would she want me to say?

"Okay, how about I ask you a question and you answer with a yes or no answer? Does that sounds fair?

I nod my head, but it only earns me a smirk from her, so I clear my throat and verbally tell her it's fine with me.

"Alright, we are going to start with simple questions and go from there. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, I want you to tell me. Verbally tell me. That's all I ask of you today."

"Okay." I say knowing what she will do if I simply nod my head.

"Is you real name Jolie Isabel Dorent?" I begin nodding but catch myself and speak up instead.

"Yes."

"Are you seventeen years old?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever drank any alcohol?"

"Yes. My friend Mona and I tried some of her dad's whiskey a couple of years ago." I don't know why I felt it necessary to explain that to her. She explained when we first began that nothing I say gets to my parents. That these were private sessions.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes." A smile grows on my face from merely thinking of Brian. It happens each and every time he is on my mind. I look over to Mary to see her smile matching mine.

"Do you plan on going to college?"

"Y-yes." I blink a few times at my hesitance for that question. I have always been so confident about my going to college. Specifically, Boise State. I don't understand my hesitance but apparently Mary does because she begins writing in her tablet.

"Let me ask you another question, but this time I want a longer answer than yes or no. Can you do that?"

"I think so."

"When I asked you about college, what did you imagine?" I shrug not wanting to tell her about the demon waiting for me at the gates of my future. It's happened all week that I've been thinking about going back to school.

"Does your future scare you?" This time silence is how I respond to her. I don't really know how to answer that question but the last thing I want is for her to believe I'm crazy. If they try and give me some type medication that effects my sleep, I don't know what I will do.

Remember what I said Jolie. As long as you are verbal with me, even if it's to tell me you're not comfortable, I will respect your wishes. If you say nothing, then I will have no choice but to pry."

"I-. I don't know how I feel about my future. It scares me, knowing I will be an adult in less than two months. It scares me even more knowing I'll be on my own soon." I know Mary didn't ask me to share all that, but I can't help the feeling of completion as I tell her my fear of going off to college in the fall.

September seems like lightyears away the way my days drag on but knowing it could come like a snap of the fingers, has me anxious. What if I get there and scream in my sleep again. Brian and I want to live together, but what if he changes his mind? What if he changes his mind about me all together? I couldn't handle him leaving me, especially now.

"Jolie?"

I look around the room to Mary but suddenly can't see her. The room is the same, white furniture, with the occasional teal or turquoise accent piece. I notice the chair she was in is now swiveled facing the other side.

I know without having to guess, that Mary is no longer here. I can hear her crying out to me but can't reach her.

I'm trapped in the darkness.

The chair turns and my eyes widen when I see Brian trapped in chains before my eyes. He looks so scared and frightened. I run over and try to untie him, but my nails are no use. It's a chain link connected to a large lock in the center of his chest. I look around for a key of some kind, telling him that everything will be alright. I don't see a key anywhere and begin panicking that he may be hurt.

"You know where it is Jolie." I turn around and come face to face with Steven. His face is distorted but I can tell it's him. I run away from his reach to me and notice his feet are stuck to the floor, the same way mine were when I dreamt of being in my mother's shop.

"Jolie, help me, please." Brian calls out to me.

I can't. I can't help him. He's too close to the demon. He will get me if I help Brian.

"Jolie, wake up." Mary shouts from above me but I don't take my eyes from the demon. This is his world. He can get me if I take my eyes off him.

"The key Jolie. You know where it is." I close my eyes and place my hands over my ears. Why can't he just leave me alone? Why does he torment me so?

"Jolie please baby." I open my eyes and look over to Brian. He needs me.

I place my right hand in my sweater pocket and feel around for the key I somehow knew would be in there. I pull out the long silver key and look back over to Brian. The demon is no longer there but Brian is, and he's no longer tied up, but standing next to the chair looking angrily at me.

"Brian?" My voice soft and nervous.

"You had it the whole time Jo? You had a way out for me with you all along and you didn't set me free? You conniving bitch. How dare you drag me along this shitty life with you! You are nothing but a fucking snake." Brian throws insult after insult at me. I stare at him with tears blocking my vision as he goes on and on at how horrible I am for him.

He's right. I held him back. I'm holding him back.

Oh God Brian, what have I done to you?