1 O' stars, deliver unto me a wish

My name is Adrian, and I am 19 years old.

My house is in the north section of a city in America, where all the average nobodies live, and I am not married or dating because I was told that I am not an attractive person. I also do not have an interest in girls as I find most of them repulsive and have not had a crush on anyone since childhood.

My parents are practically non-existent as they are divorced and have moved on to their new families, though thankfully they still sent me money for living. I did not love them nor did they love me, I've always been a failure at school and did not reach up to their standards. In return, they have never shown me proper parenting, opting to shower me through monetary rewards rather than establishing a familial bond.

I am a freshman at a nondescript third-rate university, and I am always at home due to not feeling comfortable being with other people. I don't smoke and I will never drink. I do not have any friends and any attempt to do so is blocked from my low self-esteem. I also do not have any part-time job as my messy appearance deters any hiring and I would not do well in any service industries.

My hobbies include anything anime-related and reading webnovels while listening to music. I listen to Japanese music but I do not mind other genres as long as the song is good. I personally find anime girls more attractive than any real girls and I don't care if anyone tells me otherwise. Society and life has made me somewhat depressed and with my crippling self-esteem, I could safely be called a reclusive hermit.

I am in bed by 12PM, and never bothered to sleep healthily. My evening consists of me browsing anime-related stuff as Japanese music plays from my YouTube playlist. After, I browse all of the web novel websites and check all my frequented subreddits before bed, and I usually toss and turn in my bed until 2AM in the morning before finally going to sleep from mental fatigue.

Just like any teenage freshman, I wake up to my alarm ringing before going back to sleep.

I was told that I need to be more active and restrain myself more at my last check-up due to high cholesterol levels from my indulgent lifestyle.

I am trying to explain that I am a mess, and is not far from being a waste of space. I take care not to make trouble for myself, though it's not hard as nobody cares much about me.

I have not tried suicide, though I do often think of it. I am too cowardly to attempt such a thing and I still moved on as little snippets of hope showed itself in my life. Though those usually disappear as fast they come and I am left back at the sad truth that is reality.

Despite all this, I still have a love for humanity and life. Not realistic, mind you, as all of it was learnt from my video games and anime as my parents never bothered teaching their son anything about life. The Internet was the best teacher I ever had and my hobbies have taught me various life lessons that have changed my life perspective every time.

I have not experienced humanities' best nor have I experienced its worst. Yet, I lament my life all the same. I didn't want to be a failure, a loner who has trouble liking other humans. I tried my best to make my parents proud, to make myself feel like it's worth living.

People have suffered worse, the world is full of violence and unfairness. Children in other countries lived a harsher life than I do, and I am ashamed of the fact that I don't feel shame from it.

The one thing that I both pride and feel pathetic at is my self-awareness. I pick up social cues and mood far better than my peers. I grew up more mature because I already saw how bad society really is and how the black always overshadows the white. How life is just one big grey mess. Yet, despite this, I was never good enough at human interaction nor have the smarts to fully take advantage of this little 'talent' I have. If anything, it only helped me further distinguish the disappointment I always feel from others.

I am selfish, though I always try to be generous.

I am depressed, though I always try to be positive.

I am useless, though I always try to be more than a nobody.

I am opinionated, though I always try to be open-minded.

I am not needed.

...Though I supposed that's obvious.

That's why, at this moment, I am floating in the air with blood spraying all around me.

I was on the way home after a particularly mind-numbing lecture and was brooding about how dumb I feel compared to my peers, you see. I stopped at a traffic junction as I waited to cross the street.

As I waited, I looked up to the skies and my breath was stolen away.

Maybe it was because of me being down but the stars that came out as the last light from the sun went out was… beautiful. It wasn't anything amazing like the people often depict, maybe because it was in the middle of the city but the canvas of the night sky was painted by shining stars as they shined down on the world made for a beautiful enough picture that I momentarily forgot about my shitty life.

Once upon a time, I looked up at those stars and said so childishly, so freely, "I want to shine like the stars above!"... And as reality chained me down, held my beliefs hostage and crushed my dreams, the stars didn't seem so bright anymore.

Now though, I suppose it didn't matter anymore. Now, when my hopes are gone and my dreams are dead, I guess… I can appreciate the stars as they are.

Just a symbol for humanity to reach out to, never reaching the salvation beyond with their imperfect hands.

Heh, when did I get so sentimental? I even said a bunch of pretentious crap.

As I thought that, I reached my hands out to a particularly shiny star, one that seemed to be surrounded by other small stars. Even when it's stars, they seem to be more popular than I am.

Suddenly, a loud honk came from my right. As I snapped out of my delusions, I barely turned before-

*BANG*

I flew away.

Once more, I am looking at those stars above. My body feels really light, too. What just happened?

*THUD*

I felt another impact from under my body, pain was everywhere and I couldn't even scream. As screams erupted, not that I would know considering the state of my body, my focus was one more directed to the stars.

Ah, I was just hit by a truck, I assume. Considering the horns and the weight of the impact. I am oddly calm as I am bleeding out and possibly dying. My mind is still functional but I can already see the black on the corner of my vision. How am I even still thinking?

But well… It's not so bad. I mean, before this?

I felt like I was done, like my future is nowhere to be seen and even my life has gradually gotten worse at university. I have not done well nor have I felt the youthful passion many had described when being a freshman. I am worn out, I am defeated and I am finally out of hope. I don't even have anyone close to me...

As I laid across the pavement, the stars in the sky sparkled one more. Once more, I was taken aback from the beauty of it all. The stars, the sky, the moon and the fading sunlight… Ah, I see now.

I was just wasting my life away, I never appreciate life for what it could be. If it contained sights like this, maybe I would've gone out more. Become a better person, maybe.

...Nah. There's no changing what a waste I was. My vision is hazy now, and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I felt tears flowing out of my eyes as the last vestiges of rational thoughts slip by me.

But maybe, if it was like one of those isekai stories or even a fanfic, if I could just get one more chance...

And as I felt myself slipping away, tears and blood mixing together, I raised my deformed and bloodied arm from delirious strength, and said my last regretful goodbye to this world, from one dying boy to the skies above.

"...Stars above, please… grant… me my… wish…"

Letting out a raspy laugh, Adrian knew no more.